tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88537661974571604432024-02-20T01:04:18.431-08:00Beautiful LettersI have been possessed by the spirit of Aqua Buddha and compelled to pen satirical letters from various persons, living and dead, across the political spectrum.
By the way, if you enjoy Aqua Buddha's ruminations, please help keep him in Jelly Belly jelly beans (the best ever) with an occasional click on the ad of one of his many fine sponsors (you don't even have to buy anything, just check 'em out). Thanks a million (jelly beans)!
Toomanyaborted.com Visit it NOW, PLEASEBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.comBlogger127125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-88718396115512861322011-02-27T11:15:00.001-08:002011-02-27T11:15:47.915-08:00Not a satire (but you'll wish it was)Well, today I am actually doing some real reporting:<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://ualr.edu/cahss/index.php/2011/02/08/evenings-with-history-to-discuss-tea-party/">http://ualr.edu/cahss/index.php/2011/02/08/evenings-with-history-to-discuss-tea-party/</a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Copied directly from the University of Arkansas-Little Rock’s official webpage, link above:</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>UALR History Professor Johanna Miller Lewis will present a lecture at 7:30 p.m. Tuesday, March 1, exploring the events of the Boston Tea Party and the current Tea Party movement.<br />
The lecture, at the Ottenheimer Auditorium in the Historic Arkansas Museum at 200 E. Third St., is part of UALR’s History Institute’s series, “Evenings with History.”<br />
The event begins at 7 p.m. with refreshments, followed by Lewis’s lecture, “Teabaggers and the American Revolution.”<br />
From television personality Glenn Beck to Representative Michelle Bachmann and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, the conservative right has embraced the Boston Tea Party as a symbol of rebellion against taxation and government intervention that led directly to the American Revolution. However, a close reading of the events leading up to the American Revolution suggests otherwise. This lecture will examine the numerous interpretations of the tax revolts and struggle for political power that really led the colonies to rebel against Great Britain.<br />
The Evenings with History series is sponsored by the University History Institute, which is a nonprofit organization of private citizens interested in history and supporting UALR.<br />
An individual can subscribe to the series for $50 annually, which includes admission to all six lectures. A joint subscription to the series, at $90 annually, offers savings of $10 to couples and friends. At $250 annually, a Fellow of the Institute receives the previous benefits, plus an invitation to special presentations for fellows exclusively, including private events with noted authors. The Institute also offers a life membership at $1,000 that can be paid in installments.<br />
Subscriptions and donations to the Institute are tax deductible as allowed by law. Subscribers to the series help support historical research. Presenters donate their time, and the University History Institute uses all proceeds from the series to encourage research at UALR.<br />
In recent years, annual institute grants, made possible by the Evenings with History series, have made major purchases of historical research materials for UALR.<br />
For more information, contact the UALR Department of History at 501-569-3235.BLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-84553016328796212522011-02-17T21:43:00.000-08:002011-02-17T21:43:25.654-08:00Wisconsin Democratic Senate Leader Vacation PlansFrom the desk of Senator Mark F. Miller, Minority Leader, Wisconsin Senate:<br />
<br />
Dear Democrat Colleagues,<br />
<br />
I've been watching the weather quit a bit lately, and I have to tell you that it is just too cold here for me right now. I know, I know, we're supposed to be in session, but honestly, how can we be expected to get any work done with fourteen feet of snow on the ground? Seriously guys, it's cold up here. What we need is a winter break.<br />
<br />
Look, the Republicans are bound and determined to do whatever they want. I don't know where they got the idea that just because they have majorities in both houses and the governorship they can pass whatever laws they like, but that seems to be their thinking these days. So, since I can't accomplish any of my legislative goals anyway, and since it's colder than the Governor's heart, I say we get out of town for a while and hit the beaches down in sunny Chicago. Have you seen the lake here this time of year? I've gotta tell you, it's just plain beautiful. I really don't know why I'd want to be any other place. <br />
<br />
Here's the thing. Over the years, I've maintained a 100% rating with Naral, all the gun-control people, the Sierra Club, the gay-rights group and the public sector unions (except for those a******* cops who keep giving me a bad rating, probably because they don't like the 100% I got from the ACLU). At any rate, it's obvious this year that all my hard-earned work was going to be shoveled aside like so much snow by the Republicans. Then it occurred to me what I could do. I could take a vacation, get a little sun and fun, a little r & r, some downtime, some me time, and at the same time I could keep the Republicans from doing anything, and I mean anything, at all. All I have to do is leave town and get you guys to come with me.<br />
<br />
It's perfect! We have the new form of responsible government: If you can't win the game, don't play! We can take a vacation and still keep all of our special constituents happy! The unions will love us for this, after all it's a move right out of their playbook. Don't work, shut everything down, and make sure nothing happens until the other side caves to our demands. I really don't see how anything can go wrong.<br />
<br />
So, until the next election cycle and we get our majority back, join me down here in sunny Chicago, grab a Chicago-style pie and a Bulls game, and let's enjoy our winter break.<br />
<br />
Your friend a leader,<br />
<br />
Wisconsin Senate Minority Leader Mark MillerBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-12095697729823104172011-02-14T13:28:00.000-08:002011-02-17T21:43:45.342-08:00Obama Offers New Budget ProposalFrom the desk of President B. Hussein Obama<br />
<br />
To: Speaker of the House John Boehner<br />
<br />
Dear Johnny,<br />
<br />
So, you guys got control of the House (for the time being) and you think you're going to tell Me how things are done? Well, let's have a little talk. I'm here to make you an offer you can't refuse. Specifically, you are going to approve my budget for $3.7 trillion, and you are going to like it, or else there will be consequences. Not a threat, just a statement of fact. Let Me point the facts out for you.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
Fact one, I'm the President. I got elected fair and square. I set the budget because I am The Man. Now you can whine, whimper and complain all you want, but at the end of the day I AM THE MAN! Let's say, for example, you try to cut some of My budget. Do you remember what happened in 1995? You Republicans thought you were all that and a bag of chips back then, didn't you? You even had control of the Senate back then. Well, what good did it do you? All Clinton had to do was keep vetoing the budget and even Gingrich had to cave. Face it, if the government gets shut down, nobody is going to blame Me. Nobody blamed Clinton in '95, nobody will blame Me in '11. The amerikkkan people will fall for the same old trick every time. Like the saying goes, there's a sucker born every minute, and if they don't get their monthly checks they'll be blaming you, not Me.<br />
<br />
Fact two, I am the Commander in Chief. If my budget doesn't get passed, it could have consequences for the soldiers that amerikkka has in Iraq and Afghanistan right now. Suppose funding got cut off for those troops? Suppose there was no money for supplies, you know, stuff like food, fuel and ammunition. Well if you don't pass my budget, who do you think is going to be blamed for that? Not Me, that's for sure. The New York Times, Washington Post, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS, NBC, National Public Radio and Newsweek Magazine will all make sure the blame gets placed squarely where it belongs. Do you really think Fox News and talk radio will be able to overcome all that? Yeah, right. So when the body bags start coming home by the thousands because amerikkkan troops don't have their supplies, believe you Me the people are going to know who to blame. They'll blame the tight-fisted Congress that wouldn't approve My budget, that's who.<br />
<br />
Fact three, you cannot afford to cut off My spending. How many of your people represent farming districts? Districts that need subsidies? You really think Chuck Grassley is going to tell those farmers in Iowa no more money from Uncle Sugar? Get real. You may talk about spending limits, but you need to buy votes just as badly as I do. And if you cut off My spending it will be your party that takes the blame. Which is just fine with Me, really, since we both know you'll cave in eventually anyway.<br />
<br />
So here's My $3.7 trillion budget. Sign it and shut up, or get ready to face the consequences. It's not like there's anything you can do to stop Me anyway. Look at it this way, at least it will be a good chance to run all those stupid tea-baggers out of your party. Maybe you can actually start looking a little bit respectable again for a change. See you at the State of the Union Speech.<br />
<br />
Your Superior in All Ways,<br />
<br />
President For Life B. Hussein ObamaBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-62059910908784162462011-02-09T20:36:00.000-08:002011-02-14T13:28:41.614-08:00Obama to Bail Out Bankrupt Blue StatesFrom the desk of united states President B. Hussein Obama:<br />
<br />
To: New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, Illinois Governor Pat Quinn and California Governor Jerry Brown<br />
<br />
Dear Governors,<br />
<br />
I understand that your states are currently in deep financial distress, and that despite your best efforts it appears unlikely that you will be able to meet your financial obligations, all of which are important, but most importantly of all to your public sector employee unions. That being the case, I have decided to embark upon a plan of action by which your three states, which are of course linchpins to My Great Plan, can meet your financial expectations without any unnecessary and painful cuts to the pension plans of your great public service employees.<br />
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First of all, I am going to demand that Congress include in its budget this year moneys sufficient to meet your needs. I understand why this is puzzling to you, since the fascist Republicans now control the House of Representatives, but hear Me out. Yes, the Republicans will at first refuse. I will then promptly veto any budget which does not meet My demands. Of course the Republicans will then be reminded of what happened to them in 1995 when Bill Clinton did the same thing. Being Republicans, they will of course cave in to My demands. It's not like we haven't all seen this before.<br />
<br />
Now let us suppose, just suppose, that the Republicans somehow grow themselves a spine between now and then. Well, so what? After all, I have Ben Bernanke who just loves buying up debt with Treasury notes. And guess whose debt he's going to buy up next? That's right, California will once again be the Golden State. Bernanke has been in close consultation with Tim Geithner on this for Me, and they both assure Me that this plan is foolproof. The only reason it isn't my first course of action is because it's so much fun to kick the Republicans in Congress around first. At any rate, the Federal Reserve will buy up the debt from each of your states, allowing you to continue to spend whatever amount you deem necessary in order to adequately fund the public sector unions and their pension funds.<br />
<br />
Now I know that there has been some talk of Congress trying to "reign in" Bernanke, especially with that wingnut Ron Paul demanding more oversight and and audit (as if). As a result, I have prepared one more ace up the sleeve, so to speak. I need each of you to have your respective state legislatures pass a special tax, and I don't think you'll have any problem. You see, this tax won't be on your own citizens, so no one in your own state will object. What you will need to do is past an "income usage tax" on anyone who does business with a firm from your state. This tax will offset the "costs of maintaining a business friendly environment" in your state from which these consumers benefit. So when some neanderthal in flyover country buys California grapes, he's automatically doing business with a California company, so he's going to have to pay a tax to help keep them in business.<br />
<br />
Geithner has already assured me that the IRS will be standing by to help you collect this tax from citizens in other states. All he's going to need is a fifty-five percent cut (we have to have our piece of the action, after all) and he'll turn the rest over to you. As with any IRS regulation, it's the duty of the taxpayer to prove that they don't owe the tax. So unless these rubes in flyover country can prove that they never do business with any of your states, they'll have to pay the tax. The beauty of the plan is that it lets me get the tax raise I need without going to Congress, and you get the money you need without having to pass a tax hike on your own people. All of us can just point the finger at someone else while we walk away with the dough. It's foolproof.<br />
<br />
That's it for now. Remember, no playing footsie with the Republicans either. I've got people who let Me know what's going on. Don't ever forget it.<br />
<br />
Your Leader in The Struggle,<br />
<br />
President for Life B. Hussein ObamaBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-64937989470454249012011-02-08T14:21:00.000-08:002011-02-09T20:36:28.948-08:00Obama Solves Egyptian CrisisFrom the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:<br />
<br />
To: Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak<br />
<br />
Dear President Mubarak,<br />
<br />
It pains Me to have to be the one to tell you this, but it is high time for some hope and change in your part of the world. I see that your people are rioting in the street and calling for the execution of yourself, your family, and every last member of your regime. Well, quite frankly, what did you expect? Let Me explain this situation to you in a way that you can understand, and then tell you what to do about it.<br />
<br />
First of all, you have maintained a peaceful relationship with the Zionist entity which unlawfully occupies Palestine for at least thirty years now (my history gets a little fuzzy if I have to go back more than that). Furthermore, you have shut off the border of Gaza and refused to allow Hamas to import the weapons that it needs for its perfectly sane and legal self-defense policy. What did you expect your people to do? You are not acting at all like a true Muslim. Believe Me, I should know. As an Arab and Muslim leader it is your sacred duty to oppose the Zionist monkeys at every turn. Do you not know that the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) has commanded it to be so? So why do you still insist on maintaining peaceful relations with the jews? I know I have not acted directly against them Myself, but I've got this whole Congress and Senate thing to deal with over here. You don't have any excuse like that. Think about it for a minute here. Bomb Israel and your problems go away? Are you hearing Me?<br />
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As if your grovelling before the Zionist pigs was not enough, you have moved to ban the Muslim Brotherhood in your country. What were you thinking? These are the people seeking hope and change! My kind of people! This is who Bill Ayers would be if he'd been born in Egypt. Look, these are Muslims, all right. What, are you an Islamophobe are something? An apostate maybe? I hate to think what might happen if somebody let that rumor slip right now. Not that I would, of course. Just saying you need to think about it, know what I mean? Maybe you're against brotherhood? But aren't all Muslims supposed to be brothers? So really, what's your problem here. Look, maybe if instead of outlawing the Muslim Brotherhood you embraced their program a lot of your problems could go away. Have you ever given that a thought? Maybe now would be a good time to start. Once again, just a suggestion.<br />
<br />
Finally, how many times did you toady up to that cowboy Bush over the last few years? Did you really think he would be President forever? What did you think would happen to you once he was gone? Whatever promises he may have given you are null and void now, and you had better remember that. I am in no way obligated to honor commitments that the cowboy Bush made, and the sooner you get that idea through your thick skull the better.<br />
<br />
So think about it. You can embrace the Muslim Brotherhood, end the peace with Israel, and swear your allegiance to Me in order to receive support from the country I now control. Or I can totally cut you loose while "somebody" (Hilary maybe?) floats a few rumors of your being an apostate. So tell me Hosni, what's it going to be? Take your time, I can wait. After all, even if you don't give me the answer I want, I'm sure your successor will be willing to take My offer. Just make sure you don't miss that last flight out, understand what I'm saying?<br />
<br />
Your adviser on staying in power,<br />
<br />
united states President for Life B. Hussein ObamaBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-69483083771219117512011-02-02T20:00:00.000-08:002011-02-08T14:22:06.515-08:00Jimmy Carter Advised President Obama on Egyptian CrisisFrom the desk of Greatest Ex-President Ever Jimmy Carter:<br />
<br />
To: President Barak Hussein Obama<br />
<br />
Dear President Obama,<br />
<br />
I know that this is a tough time for you right now, which is why I have decided to reach out to you with a helping hand. I realize you have not yet actually asked for my assistance, but I decided that must be because you are just too busy to get around to it. As a result I decided to make things easier for you and go ahead and give you the benefit of my great wisdom and experience as a world leader and peace maker. After all, we Nobel Prize winners have to stick together.<br />
<br />
So, Egypt is all in a mess. Well let me tell you, when it comes to the Middle East being a mess, I know all about it. First of all, look at this President Mubarak fellow. He really is just like the Shah of Iran. He spent years thinking that if he could just play up to the United States and act like our friend, then we would somehow be obligated to bail him out when he finally got into trouble. I have to tell you, that kind of thinking just really chafes my buns. I am sick and tired of all the little people in Egypt, South Korea, Israel, Colombia, Poland, Georgia and Great Britain thinking that we owe them anything. After all, if they can't manage their own affairs, why should we step in for them?<br />
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Look at it this way. Sure the Muslim Brotherhood isn't perfect, but who are we to judge? After all, what country in the world is more racist, imperialist, self-righteous and greedy than the United States? So if the Muslim Brotherhood hates this country, then they must be on the right track. Believe me, I cannot begin to tell you how much hatred I've felt for this country since 1980. I since a lot of that same hate in you, and it makes me warm inside. So if the Muslim Brotherhood recognized the United States for the Great Satan it really is, and wants to throw Mubarak out for siding with the neo-cons and Jews who were running the place before you took over, why should we care? After all, they are only doing what's best for their own country.<br />
<br />
Back in the seventies I took a hard line against the Shah in Iran, and I can honestly tell you I have never regretted it. Sure, the Ayatollah made a few harsh judgments when he took over, but after all, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. So if a few of those morons over there who were dumb enough to side with America when that cowboy Bush was in charge get their heads removed, is that really such a bad thing? And look at it this way: It's one step closer to the day when Israel no longer exists. Now I KNOW we can all get together on that, can't we?<br />
<br />
Okay, these are just a few quick thoughts I put together for you. Remember, I'm only a phone call away any time you need some free advice.<br />
<br />
Your friend and admirer,<br />
<br />
Greatest Ex-President Ever Jimmy CarterBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-2666119923573937552011-01-31T20:12:00.000-08:002011-02-02T20:01:16.981-08:00Obama Reaches Out to Muslim BrotherhoodFrom the desk of united states President B. Hussein Obama:<br />
<br />
To: Muhammad Badi'e, General Guide, Muslim Brotherhood, Egyptian Branch<br />
<br />
To My Dear Brother Badi'e,<br />
<br />
<br />
Greetings and salutations my Dear Brother in The Common Struggle. I see that all is progressing well on your front, and I congratulate you on your many successes to date. I wish to inform of what you may expect from "outside" forces as the struggle progresses.<br />
<br />
<br />
First of all, please do not fear any attempt by amerikkka to debase your glorious revolution against the zionist running dogs who currently infest the capitol of your great nation. It is the will of Allah (peace be upon his name) that you will be victorious in this struggle, and now that I am Commander in Chief of the amerikkkan armed forces I can assure you that there will be no action taken against you by either the regular amerikkkan military or the CIA. Since you are guaranteed safety on this front let your hands be bold to shed the blood of those who have opposed you!<br />
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Secondly, please do not let your fear of Mubarak deter you from what must be done. For many years that son of a pig has allied himself with the war criminal Bush who preceded me, and in so doing has been an enemy of My Struggle. Additionally, Mubarak has committed the still greater crime of allying himself with israel. For many years he has maintained a friendly relationship with the zionist monkeys who infest Palestine to this day. How can a man who has been a friend to both amerikkka and the zionist dogs be the leader of a nation which follows Allah (peace times two be upon his name)? It is a perversion of the natural order, and he must be removed! Surely Allah (peace times three be upon his name) will guide you and guard you!<br />
<br />
<br />
Speaking of zionist pig-dog-monkeys, do not let a fear of israel dissuade you from your task! Yes, I know the devils in the mossad have slain many of our brethren in the past, but the time for our retribution has come! Now that I am President of all fifty-seven states of amerikkka, I can threaten to withhold aid from the israeli jew-dogs if they interfere with your Glorious Struggle! Since the jews will never do anything that will cost them money, you can be assured that I can prevent their intervention in The Struggle in Egypt.<br />
<br />
<br />
Now is the time to strike! Soon the Muslim Brotherhood will control one of the largest military forces in the Middle East as well as the Suez Canal. Once the Muslim Brotherhood has control of the Suez Canal, and the our Iranian brethren have the Straight of Hormuz, it will be in our power to control all trade routes for oil across the globe. To expedite our victory in this matter I have personally shut down the amerikkkans' oil rigs in their Gulf of Mexico. This has crippled their ability to produce oil here just as we are about to seize complete control of the Middle East! All is going exactly to plan.<br />
<br />
<br />
Just a couple of thoughts in passing: First of all, as long as you are going to be taking care of jews you may as well get rid of the copts as well. It's not like anybody notices what you do to them anyway. I'm telling you, you could shove every last copt in Egypt into a gas chamber and the New York Times wouldn't be able to find a single column inch of space in their Sunday edition to report it. Secondly, make sure Mubarak's demise is as gruesome as possible, and while your at it kill as many of his family members as you can get your hands on. After all, we want to send a message to any of the other rulers in the region who may be thinking about holding out on us. It's time for the Muslim Brotherhood to let everyone know who the REAL power in the region is.<br />
<br />
<br />
Your Comrade in The Struggle,<br />
<br />
<br />
united states President for Life B. Hussein ObamaBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-83885930897732176422011-01-28T19:31:00.000-08:002011-01-31T20:12:50.259-08:00Chris Matthews Explains Why Michelle Bachmann is a BubbleheadTranscript of "Hardball with Chris Matthews", 1/31/11<br />
<br />
Chris Matthews: Tonight I want to take the time to give an explanation to my audience as to why Michelle Bachmann is a complete bubblehead, and why anyone who is part of the Tea-bagger party she represents is a complete ignoramus. Specifically, I want to talk about the history of civil rights in this country.<br />
<br />
First of all, it was the Democratic Party which invented civil rights. When they realized just how badly the Republicans were botching things in writing the constitution, the Democrats quickly added some amendments, later called the "bill of rights" to try and fix the constitution. Of course the Republicans managed to foul up even this noble effort when they insisted on inserting the second amendment into the "bill of rights". But things only got worse from there.<br />
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Later on the Republicans, who were the party of racist slave-owners, tried to spread out of the South and take their slaves with them to other states. Fortunately, the Democrats managed to elect Abraham Lincoln as president, and he immediately freed all the slaves. When the Republicans living in Southern states found out that Lincoln had freed the slaves, they immediately staged a rebellion, which ended up being the Civil War, which lasted for eight years and cost twenty-million lives. But this is of course typical behavior of the Republican party.<br />
<br />
Later, after President Lincoln had been assassinated by the racist, Republican John Wilkes Booth, who was then a member of the early form of the Tea-bagger party, former general U.S. Grant became president. Grant, who was a every bit as much a faithful Democrat as President Lincoln, had to face off with the Ku Klux Klan, a Republican, Tea-bagger, terrorist group trying to deny Civil Rights to African Americans. As a result, Grant founded the Department of Justice to fight the Klansmen, a proud tradition carried on today by Attorney General Eric Holder as he fights against the Tea-bagger movement.<br />
<br />
Although some progress was made after the Civil War, Republicans in the Southern states soon instituted "Jim Crow" laws to keep African Americans from voting. These laws were a constant threat to the Democrats, as the Republicans had a lock on the white vote in the South.<br />
<br />
Only when Democrat Woodrow Wilson took office did things begin to change. It was President Wilson who de-segregated Washington, D.C., to set an example for the rest of the country. Despite President Wilson's best efforts, however, segregation remained a fact of life in the Republican-controlled South.<br />
<br />
Eventually the Supreme Court integrated the schools in the Brown v. Board of Education decision. Fortunately there was a true-blue Democrat in office as President, Dwight D. Eisenhower, who sent the army in to enforce de-segregation when the Republican governor of Arkansas tried to keep African American students from attending Little Rock Central High School.<br />
<br />
Finally, it was the leadership of Democrats like Robert Byrd and Al Gore Sr. who helped push civil rights laws through the Senate. As a result, African Americans enjoy a small measure of freedom today, due entirely to the efforts of the Democratic Party, and always over the opposition of Republicans. I believe this also demonstrates why the Tea-bagger movement is so dangerous, and why Michelle Bachmann is a bubblehead. So, in honor of my recent comrade in the struggle here on MSNBC, I will tonight designate Michelle Bachmann as The Worst Person in the World.BLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-825445157435639712011-01-27T21:30:00.000-08:002011-01-28T19:31:26.293-08:00How do you solve a problem like Sarah?Dana Milbank of the Washington Post contemplates his Sarah Palin freedom in February:<br />
<br />
(To the tune of "Maria")<br />
<br />
She runs for office and wins sometimes<br />
her kids are everywhere<br />
She acts like the peasant hick class<br />
And her legs make us stare<br />
And underneath her glasses<br />
She's so hot without compare<br />
I even hear Olbermann loves to watch her run<br />
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<br />
She's always great on t.v.<br />
But her character is real<br />
She's really great at everything<br />
Her charm our hearts could steal<br />
I still love to hate her though<br />
For I very surely know<br />
Sarah's not an asset to the country<br />
<br />
I'd like to cut her down to size right now<br />
By Calling her a cow<br />
<br />
How do you solve the problem Sarah Palin?<br />
How do you stop a movement in its tracks?<br />
How do find a word for Sarah Palin?<br />
A terrorist! A seditionist! A b*****!<br />
<br />
Many things we have told about her<br />
Many things you ought to understand<br />
But people listen to her lies<br />
And ignore our warning cries<br />
How can we stop her endless talking<br />
<br />
Oh how do solve the problem Sarah Palin?<br />
How do you catch a monster with your hand?<br />
<br />
When I see her I'm confused<br />
By her thighs I am bemused<br />
And I don't know exactly why I am<br />
She has me all in a lather<br />
My words begin to blather<br />
She's a fascist! She's a racist! She's a tart!<br />
<br />
She'll outargue any rant<br />
That Chris Matthews can chant<br />
She could win a presidential primary<br />
She is crazy! She is sick!<br />
She's a wiccan on a stick!<br />
She's a menace! She's a threat!<br />
She's no girl!<br />
<br />
How do you solve the problem Sarah Palin?<br />
How do you stop a movement in its tracks?<br />
How do find a word for Sarah Palin?<br />
A terrorist! A seditionist! A b*****!<br />
<br />
Many a thing you know we'd like to call her<br />
Many a thing we'll make her understand<br />
But she'll never hear us say<br />
Anything to get our way<br />
How do you keep a redneck in Alaska?<br />
<br />
Oh how do you solve the problem Sarah Palin?<br />
How do you catch a monster with your hand?BLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-42505686203590525902011-01-26T21:58:00.000-08:002011-01-27T21:31:46.836-08:00Nancy Pelosi Explains Why Obama is a ModerateFrom the desk of the Once and Future Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi:<br />
<br />
To: President for Life B. Hussein Obama:<br />
<br />
Dear Comrade and Leader in The Struggle,<br />
<br />
Let me first tell you that although our party suffered grievous losses in the previous election, it was not your fault. In point of fact the losses we suffered were not the fault of anyone on our team. These losses can, I believe, be directly attributed to the wiles of Sarah Palin and her willing accomplices on talk radio and faux news. After having seen the insanity of the assassin in Arizona, I believe we may safely conclude that he was driven to his madness by exposure to Palin and the Tea-Bagger party's rhetoric. Likewise, I believe we can safely assume that the amerikkkan people as a whole were driven to madness by this same rhetoric, which explains our defeat. There was nothing wrong with You, or any other part of our party, the problem is with the amerikkkan people themselves and the madness they have been infected with.<br />
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That being the case, I am from San Francisco, and have often been told by my friends and family that I have a VERY keen understanding of insanity. Thus, it behooves me to offer You a bit of advise, if I may be so bold. The amerikkkan people elected You because they admired Your moderation, especially after eight years of the war-mongering cowboy who preceded You. Perhaps You should take this opportunity to remind them of Your moderation. I believe that if You communicate Your moderation to the amerikkkan people they will quickly return to the fold of Yourself, their One True Leader. Here are a few ideas I have put together:<br />
<br />
1. You understand that debt is a problem. How do you solve a problem? Not by running away, but by meeting it head on. If debt is scary people, then they must learn to face their fears! How can they face their fears? By incurring even more debt! You are delivering the amerikkkan people from their fear of debt. Just remember to tell them that the only thing they have to fear is fear itself. Then they will realize that You are truly moderate in Your spending, and the debt you incur is for their own good in helping them to overcome their fear of debt! It's foolproof!<br />
<br />
2. You have never shot anyone. Only crazy right-wingers shoot people! Remind the people over and over again that You are the Man of Peace. Once they realize that violence is a product of the reactionary right-wing fascists who call themselves "conservatives" the people will remember their true love for You, their Benign Leader.<br />
<br />
3. You have never had an abortion. While You are "personally opposed" to abortions performed in the 14th month, You understand that womyn have a constitutional right to choose. As a result You will not bind Your morals on anyone else, which would of course be above Your pay grade. After all, You don't want to impose Your morals on womyn's bodies, which is the reason You are the true moderate. Once the people understand this they will reject the anti-abortion fascists immediately.<br />
<br />
4. You want what's best for everyone's health, even if You have to make them do what's right. Universal Health Care, Your Great Blessing to amerikkka, can succeed only if the people give up smoking, drinking, red meat, fried food, trans fats, salt, corn syrup, processed sugar, and are force to exercise two hours a day. Yes, You will have to use thousands of new IRS agents to enforce these rules, but just tell the people how much more svelte and sexy they will be! Once they understand You are forcing them to do this for their own good they will love You all the more!<br />
<br />
Well, these are just a few humble suggestions I have for Your Greatness. Please excuse me for any unintended annoyance I may have caused you.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
Once and Future Speaker of the House Nancy PelosiBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-58514918314380824302011-01-24T19:33:00.000-08:002011-01-26T22:00:09.591-08:00Early Release of Obama's 2011 State of the Union SpeechFrom the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:<br />
<br />
To: Keith Olbermann<br />
<br />
Dear Comrade Olbermann,<br />
<br />
I realize you are currently seeking new employment and thought that this might be a good opportunity for you to show Me what you can do for Me in My Struggle. I have prepared a rough outline of my State of the Union Speech, and would like for you to go over it and tell Me what you think. I realize that you are an ivy-league trained journalist with years of broadcast experience, so I would greatly appreciate any input you might have. If you serve Me well in this endeavor, I might be able to hook you up with a speech-writing job in my cabinet<br />
<br />
Your Leader in The Struggle,<br />
<br />
President for Life B. Hussein Obama<br />
<br />
SOTU draft:<br />
<br />
Dear Comrades and amerikkkan citizens,<br />
<br />
As I begin another new year as President, I am pleased to announce that My job performance continues to be stellar in all areas. I have saved the economy, rebuilt amerikkka's prestige in the world, brought about the Blessing of Universal Health Care, protected amerikkka from terrorists and bridged the civility gap in our culture. Please listen closely as I elaborate.<br />
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First of all, My stimulus project has completely re-invigorated the amerikkkan economy. As I stated at the time, without my stimulus bill the unemployment rate would have gone to twenty-eight percent. That it now stands at only nine percent, give or take, is a huge success on My part, since the rising rate was all Bush's fault to begin with. I might add that without My stimulus plan not only would GM have failed, but so would Ford, Saturn, Honda, Kia, and Toyota. After all, if GM had gone under, people would no longer have trusted cars, so they would not have purchased vehicles from anyone. Thus, when I saved GM I saved all those other companies also. Just ask Paul Krugman, he is really good at explaining how that works.<br />
<br />
As for amerikkka's prestige, what can I say? After George W. Bush Jr.'s cowboy antics, the respect for this country in the rest of the world was at an all-time low. I want to assure you that the Presidents of China, Saudi Arabia, Russia and France all assure me that they have much more respect for amerikkka now than they did when Bush was stirring up trouble all over the globe. I look forward already to reading the history books explanation of how I brought amerikkka up from the pit it has inhabited so long, to the sunlit vales of world harmony with our brethren in Cuba, Venezuela, Iran and North Korea. Truly I am a glorious peacemaker!<br />
<br />
My Great Healthcare Initiative will soon be recognized for the civilizing achievement that it truly is. Once the government can control your healthcare, I can control everything. I can tell you what to eat, how much to exercise, that you cannot smoke, drink, or have unsafe sex; I can make you do whatever I decide is in the best interest of your health. After all, if I have to pay your doctor bills, then I control any and all actions that might end up taking you to the doctor's office! Soon I will be able to make you over into the people you should be instead of the wretches you are.<br />
<br />
Likewise, with the help of Janet Napalitano and Eric Holder, I have been able to crack down on domestic terrorism, especially amongst the Tea-bagger brigades who have blatantly defied my authority and attempted to derail my agenda. Their terrorist activities, which are second only to those of the anti-abortion movement, remain the greatest threat to our domestic tranquility and the rebuilding of amerikkka. I assure you that I will remain ever-vigilant against the Tea-bagger threat, and will continue to have the IRS, DOJ and BATFE monitor and corral their terrorist activities. I am confident that by this time next year I will be able to report that their menace has been completely defeated.<br />
<br />
Of course I have restored civility to the national discourse as well. While My opponents are a boorish and vituperative lot, I have remained above the fray, rightfully aloof in My true superiority to the little people with their little thoughts, little words and little actions. I am so amused by your littleness that I can hardly contain Myself, nevertheless I will for the sake of civility. After all, if the only things you have to say are negative, then you bitter-clinging, ignorant, racist, homophobic, islamophobic, anti-choice, redneck, religious zealots should just keep your filthy mouths shut. We need more civility in this country, not your divisive name calling.<br />
<br />
In short it is obvious that I am the Best President Every, a True Blessing to this unworthy country, The Leader in The Struggle that will bring about the New Realm which will be so much better than this current tarnished globe. Soon I will bring you a world without pain, suffering, disease or hardship; all hatred will be stripped away, every thought will be sweetness and light, and all will worship Me for the Savior I truly am. In the meantime stop your complaining out there, or My minions will deal with you quickly and severely.<br />
<br />
I look forward to another year of your service to Me, your Leader in My Struggle,<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
President for Life B. Hussein ObamaBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-3153297063671665712011-01-23T21:34:00.000-08:002011-01-24T19:36:01.472-08:00President Obama Issues Pardon for Pennsylvania Abortion Doctor Kermit GosnellFrom the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:<br />
<br />
Dear Comrades in The Struggle,<br />
<br />
It is with deep concern that I have watched the events unfolding in Philadelphia the last few days. The continuing persecution of Dr. Kermit Gosnell, whose work in protecting the right of womyn to exercise free choice has been a beacon of social justice that all medical professionals should emulate, has been placed in jeopardy by an overzealous prosecutor and a grand jury with a lack of legal understanding and no knowledge of constitutional law.<br />
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First of all, let me begin by saying that Roe v. Wade has settled once and for all that womyn have a right to terminate their pregnancies at any point, up to and including the fourth trimester. This right is absolutely essential in My Struggle and social justice. Without the right to abortion on demand we would find amerikkka back in the throes of the patriarchal dictatorship when people were supposed to exercise "restraint" rather than being able to freely express themselves in whatever way they saw fit. Dr. Gosnell, with his heroic actions to preserve free choice for womyn, has shown the way forward for all of My faithful followers. Our commitment to the preservation of choice must be absolute, trumping any other concerns.<br />
<br />
Secondly, I wish to point out that had the rest of the Senate had the foresight to follow My leadership against the dictator Bush, this would not even be an issue. I stood alone against the puritanical sex police who shoved the Born Alive Infants Act down this nation's throat. The trouble Dr. Gosnell currently suffers is due entirely to this vile law and its pernicious, unconstitutional insistence on trying to attach "human rights" to an insignificant blob of cells.<br />
<br />
You people out there have got to accept the truth. The truth is that if womyn don't want to be punished with a baby, then it is there absolute right to not be punished with a baby. The stage of development for the fetal tissue is completely irrelevant to this argument. The ONLY thing that matters is the preservation of womyn's right to choose. NOTHING else has any meaning whatsoever in this debate. The fascist, anti-choice right would have you believe that they are trying to preserve "life". Well, the Supreme Court has already determined what is and what is not "life", and once the Supreme Court has given a ruling I agree with then the matter is settled for all time.<br />
<br />
For these reasons I am issuing a full pardon for Dr. Kermit B. Gosnell. I am also directing Attorney General Eric Holder to launch a full scale criminal probe into the actions of both the prosecutor and the grand jury in this case. A.G. Holder has assured Me that he expects to return indictments against both the prosecutor and all members of the grand jury for civil rights violations against Dr. Gosnell no later than the end of business today.<br />
<br />
As an added measure, I have determined that this attempt to stifle womyn's right to choose requires immediate action to protect that right by Myself. Thus, I am immediately revoking My previous executive order prohibiting the provision of abortion services under My Great Health Initiative. I am also considering Dr. Gosnell for the post of Surgeon General, unless a spot on the Supreme Court comes open for him first.<br />
<br />
Your Leader in The Struggle,<br />
<br />
President for Life B. Hussein ObamaBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-48244196830755199642011-01-21T18:51:00.000-08:002011-01-23T21:35:21.820-08:00The Ten Commandments of ObamacareFrom the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:<br />
<br />
Dear citizens and Comrades in The Struggle,<br />
<br />
In reviewing the opposition I have been receiving from many of the Tea-baggers and their associated movements, I have noticed that their reluctance to fully embrace My Great Agenda often stems from religious beliefs. I suppose it should be no great shock that the bitter clingers in the hinterlands would allow their medieval superstitions to impede their faculties to the point that they are unable to recognize and receive My Divine Guidance. As a result, I have in My Wisdom determined that the time is now come for Me to unveil the next phase of My plan. Specifically, I will now reveal My Ten Commandments, which will supersede and replace those commandments that Moses allegedly "received from God" (as if). Once My commandments are revealed they will be placed in every public school, courthouse, town square and public meeting place throughout the land. Since these are nominally a "secular" set of commands (the people are not yet fully prepared for Me to reveal My Full True Nature) there should be no issue of separation of church and state in posting My commandments. Thus, without further ado, the Ten Commandments of My Great Health Plan:<br />
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I am the President your Leader in The Struggle, who brought you out from the bondage of George Bush Jr., and am still trying to bring you out of racism.<br />
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1. You shall have no other Leader besides Me. I am the Chosen One, and you will acknowledge Me as such.<br />
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2. You shall not place any "constitution" or "bible" or any other piece of paper to which you bitterly cling above Me, nor shall you make a covenant to obey written words not given by Me. I am a jealous Leader, and if you worship some piece of paper over a hundred years old rather than do My will then I will bring My wrath down on you, your children, your grandchildren and all your friends and family, but if you follow My will and Mine alone you will know the peace only I can bring.<br />
<br />
3. You will not be uncivil in how you talk about Me or My followers. If you speak about Me or those who do My will in a disrespectful or uncivil tone you will find your butt in a world of hurt from an IRS audit.<br />
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4. Remember April 15th and mark it as a high holy day, for on this day you make your sacrifices for the greater good.<br />
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5. Remember that I come before your parents. Do not worry about whether you will have enough money to take care of them in their old age, that's why we have social security and medicare. And if the time comes, I have panels to help ease them on to the next world. Remember that your Leader comes before all others.<br />
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6. You shall not exercise capital punishment against any felon for any crime whatsoever. Abortion, including post-delivery abortion of fetuses that insist on breathing and crying outside the womb is not killing, because they are just blobs of cells.<br />
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7. You can have sex with anything that moves, and most things that don't. The more ways you choose to express yourself as an individual, the faster you will move up through the ranks in the military under My new affirmative action plan to reverse past discrimination against sodomites.<br />
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8. When the IRS confiscates your wealth to finance My Great Agenda, you will turn over to them all your possessions. Failure to turn over all sources of wealth in your possession and/or control shall be stealing, and will be punished by a fine of not less than $25,000.00 and imprisonment of not less than five (5) years in a federal prison.<br />
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9. If you suspect your neighbor is a member of the Tea-bagger movement, you will report him to the authorities immediately, and bear witness against him in an appropriate court of law. Each Tea-bagger you uncover and report will bring you a reward of $5,000.00.<br />
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10. Everything your neighbor has he stole from someone else. If he is white, he stole it from the blacks and Native Americans. If he is black, he stole it from the convenience store. If he is Native American he stole it from other Native Americans. Nobody deserved to have anything better (or as good as) than what you have, and you must vote for Me to punish them for having stuff that you want.<br />
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These are My Commandments. Hear them now, believe them later.<br />
<br />
Your Leader in The Struggle,<br />
<br />
President for Life B. Hussein ObamaBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-17043506247846786472011-01-20T22:14:00.000-08:002011-01-20T22:17:38.285-08:00Not a satire, extremely important read I normally reserve this blog for satire, but I have decided to make an exception in this case. The following link is NOT suitable for children, and is probably not safe for work (although this is nothing in any way pornographic or sexually explicit). Please follow the link to Michelle Malkin's website, and especially read the embedded PDF from the grand jury, especially the section beginning on page 99. Please forward this to friends and family as well, this is the face of our country's future if nothing changes.<br />
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<a href="http://michellemalkin.com/2011/01/21/the-philadelphia-horror-how-mass-murder-gets-a-pass/">http://michellemalkin.com/2011/01/21/the-philadelphia-horror-how-mass-murder-gets-a-pass/</a>BLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-19921001379237811222011-01-20T21:27:00.000-08:002011-01-21T18:53:11.615-08:00Eric Holder Addresses Civility, Net Neutrality, and the Fairness DoctrineFrom the desk of united states Attorney General Eric Holder:<br />
<br />
To: His Excellency, President for Life B. Hussein Obama, all Department of Justice Employees, all Federal Communications Commission Employees:<br />
<br />
Dear Great Leader and Comrades in The Struggle,<br />
<br />
I have assembled a crack team of attorneys to address the issues of violence which have sprung up in our nation. You will be familiar with many of these attorneys, as they are the same team which enabled me to bring the New Black Panthers case to a successful conclusion. At the direction of Our Leader, His Excellency and President for Life B. Hussein Obama, I have, with the assistance of this team, crafted a plan whereby we may put an end to these violent outbursts which have disrupted our society.<br />
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The first thing we must understand is that apprehension of individual criminals will do nothing to reduce the level of violence in our society. In point of fact, giving too much attention to the prosecution of individual perpetrators of violence is in all likelihood a contributing factor to the rise in violence we have seen of late. What we must instead do is concentrate on the root causes of violence. Once we have successfully eliminated the root causes of violence, there will be no more violent outbursts and thus individual prosecutions will become unnecessary and obsolete.<br />
<br />
My team has determined that the root cause of violence in our society is the lack of civility in the rhetoric used by those individuals opposed to the Great Master Plan of our Leader, President for Life B. Hussein Obama. We have determined that every major outburst of violence in at least the last one-hundred years has been a result of overheated, anti-government, right-wing rhetoric. Of course, the current purveyors of this poison are the aptly-named "Tea-bagger" movement. Leaders of this movement include such individuals as former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, radio talk show hosts Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, etc., right-wing newscasters associated with the Fox News Channel, and the various pajama-clad bloggers stirring up trouble on the internet.<br />
<br />
When determining what course of action to take, my team was heartened by the recent advice of Supreme Court Justice Stephen Bryer, who commented that you "cannot shout fire in a crowded theater." I believe that we can make an airtight case that the Tea-bagger movement, with its assorted leaders, has been guilty of just this sort of activity. Their incessant and boorish criticism of His Excellency, our Leader in the Struggle, has been the source of growing incivility and violence. The quickest and surest way to end this violence is to remove its source, hence the removal of the leaders of the Tea-bagger movement, along with as many of the rank and file as necessary and expedient, is the surest way to end this strife.<br />
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His Excellency has advised me that He is prepared to declare the Tea-bagger movement a "clear and present danger" to the united states of amerikkka. As a result, He will re-instate the Fairness Doctrine via executive order, and enlarge it to include cable and satellite broadcasts of all types. We will co-ordinate this action with the FCC's new net neutrality policy to immediately shut down any and all broadcasts critical of Our Leader and His Struggle. Any resistance to the implementation of this policy will be dealt with by armed agents of the BATFE. I am disappointed that my employees in the FBI and U.S. Marshal service have been overly reluctant to carry out my orders in this matter, but the BATFE apparently has no such qualms. Of course they will be properly rewarded when the next round of budget increases is enacted.<br />
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If you have any questions as to the implementation of this policy, please feel free to direct them to your immediate supervisor. Please remember, this operation is classified, and no member of Congress, especially members of the opposition, are to be made aware of it prior to zero-hour implementation. Failure to comply with this directive is of course a felony offense, and will be dealt with in the harshest manner.<br />
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Your Comrade in The Struggle,<br />
<br />
united states Attorney General Eric HolderBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-5336219172631807062011-01-19T20:38:00.000-08:002011-01-20T21:29:10.861-08:00Obama Addresses House Vote to Repeal Health Care BillFrom the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:<br />
<br />
Dear Comrades and Citizens of amerikkka,<br />
<br />
Yesterday, as I was entertaining the handsome, debonair and delightful President Hu Jintao of China, the republicans in the House of Representatives decided to attempt to upstage Me by holding a ridiculous vote to repeal My Great Health Care Initiative. Although it is in actuality below Me to address the matter, I have decided to do so in order to attempt to enlighten you bitter clingers in fly-over country.<br />
<br />
First of all, this is a wasted effort. My faithful servant in the Senate, Harry Reid, will never allow this repeal vote to come to the floor. As long as Harry Reid stands fast, which I am sure will be just as long as I need him to, there is no way this repeal rebellion can move forward, and so you Tea-bagger rebels are doomed to lose.<br />
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Now, suppose, just suppose, Harry Reid were to fail Me (just before he is cast into outer darkness), what would happen then? Suppose, just suppose, a few of the weaker members of My party gave way and allowed the repeal bill to move forward? Then I would, of course, issue a veto. Your petty votes are meaningless to Me, as you should well know by now. What is it to Me if you vent your misplaced anger in meaningless votes? Nothing. But for you it is a very different matter.<br />
<br />
By the time the 2012 election rolls around, the amerikkkan people will have forgotten this matter altogether. I know the amerikkkan people quite well. You are weak and stupid, and can only barely remember your own names from day to day. By 2012 this will no longer even be an issue. You have neither the intelligence nor the force of will to defeat My Program. Even now My forces are coming together. I can execute My Agenda through executive orders, with no need for your pitiful Congress. You have completely underestimated the power of the dark side, and now your failure is complete. You may choose to let your rage take hold of you now if you wish, but nothing can prevent My victory.<br />
<br />
So have your pathetic little votes. Stage your ridiculous little protests. Prattle on your meaningless babble about the "constitution", "natural rights", "amerikkkan exceptionalism", "divine providence" and whatever other dribble you can cook up in your fevered imaginations. Your votes mean nothing to Me, and I AM the Ruler here now. I won My election, and there is nothing you can do about it. I will continue to win every time, for the amerikkkan people will love Me as they come to realize more and more that I AM the Leader with the Dream, I AM the Leader in The Struggle, and all who oppose me are traitors and blasphemers.<br />
<br />
In the meantime, Tim Geithner tells me the IRS just came up with a whole new list of Congresspeople who need to be audited, along with their spouses, children, parents, staffers and campaign donors. I guess he's going to be quite busy in the next few weeks. Well, that's the price you pay if you want to bring a knife to this gun fight.<br />
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Remember, Freedom through Work.<br />
<br />
Your President for Life,<br />
<br />
B. Hussein ObamaBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-44402296843892335362011-01-18T20:14:00.000-08:002011-01-19T20:38:37.499-08:00Chinese President Hu Jintao Visits United States President ObamaOfficial White House Tapes of Meeting Between Presidents Obama and Hu Jintao<br />
19 January 2011<br />
Commence 09:15:09 EST<br />
<br />
POTUS: Mr. President, allow me take this opportunity to extend the warmest possible welcome on behalf of the American people, I hope that this meeting can be productive and mutually......<br />
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POPRC: Lower!<br />
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POTUS: Ummm, excuse me?<br />
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POPRC: If you are going to bow like that, do it right! Bow lower!<br />
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POTUS: Oh, okay, sorry, didn't realize I was doing it wrong. Is this better?<br />
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POPRC: Lower! And why you look at me like that, barbarian?<br />
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POTUS: Ummm, okay, I guess I can get a little lower? But aren't you supposed to make eye contact when you bow? I mean, that's how it was in the first Karate Kid movie and all that....<br />
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POPRC: Shut up! Bow lower! Can't you do anything right? All I want to see is back of your head! Okay, I guess that best you can do, stupid barbarian dog. Now let's get down to business.<br />
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POTUS: Um, okay, sure, yeah. Listen, I think we need to talk about this whole currency business. Some of my folks over at treasury....<br />
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POPRC: Shut up! What for you try to tell me about currency? You think currency is magic American credit card you just spend whatever you want and bill never comes due! Why you think you can talk to me about currency, you greedy capitalist pig-dog! I tell you, you no tell me! You understand that?<br />
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POTUS: Well, seriously, I don't think this is a good way to get started....<br />
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POPRC: Shut up! I cut off your credit tomorrow, then where you be? No Obamacare, that for sure. No welfare payments. I cut off your credit, all your own people come cut off your head! How you like that? I tell you about currency, you no tell me!<br />
<br />
POTUS: Okay, okay, I get your point. What is it you want?<br />
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POPRC: America on gold standard.<br />
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POTUS: What?<br />
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POPRC: You hear me first time, barbarian pig-dog! I tell you America on gold standard!<br />
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POTUS: Okay, look, I don't even know if that's possible. I mean I could talk to Tim Geithner about some metals for securities swaps, if that'll make you feel better, but the gold standard? Seriously?<br />
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POPRC: Let me put this in American so you can understand! Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Me! Hu is your daddy! And I tell you go on gold standard and you say yes daddy Hu and do it!<br />
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POTUS: Okay, look, I think we're getting a little out of control here....<br />
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POPRC: Out of control? You have fourteen trillion in debt, you want to leave me holding the bag, and you think I am out of control? You go on gold standard or I call in all markers! No more credit! You won't even be able pay interest! No goodies for your voters! They put you out on street faster than week old dog-rolls at Benny Hana! <br />
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POTUS: Okay, but seriously, how am I supposed to make this work?<br />
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POPRC: You transfer gold.<br />
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POTUS: What?<br />
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POPRC: All of it! I not just talking about Fort Knox. We know that is rinky-dink, just tip of iceberg. You transfer all gold from Federal Reserve in New York. You also transfer rights to all gold mines in America.<br />
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POTUS: But the American people will never allow that to happen....<br />
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POPRC: Shut up! Bow again, barbarian pig-dog! You want to tell me no? Fine, tell American people no more cheap credit from China! No more welfare checks! No more health care! No more stimulus! No more bailouts! You tell them that, see where it gets you! They call you President Takes the Toys Away and impeach your skinny butt, that where it gets you! Now tell me, who's your daddy?<br />
<br />
POTUS: Hu is.<br />
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POPRC: That's right! Now get my gold on a ship and on its way. I already have logistics schedule prepared for you. See right here, train from New York, ship from San Francisco, all out of country by next week! You get started now. Don't worry, I take care of all gold for you real fine. Now we settle currency issue, let's talk Taiwan....BLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-73634754776205406602011-01-16T21:48:00.000-08:002011-01-18T20:15:58.245-08:00Keith Olbermaan and Sheriff Dupnik Discover Another Tea Party ShooterTranscript of Countdown With Keith Olbermann from January 17, 2011<br />
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Keith Olbermann: Tonight, live from Tucson, Arizona, we are once again joined by the absolute zenith, the paragon, the creme de la creme of American law enforcement, Sheriff Clarence Dupnik! Sheriff Dupnik, thanks for being on the show again. I understand that you have unearthed more evidence in the Tea-bagger attack that took place there, and now believe it may be part of a broader conspiracy linked to a previous attack.<br />
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Sheriff Dupnik: That's right, Keith. The crack investigative squad at my office has been doing non-stop research for days using the latest in technology and criminal justice technology. In this case, that means we've been following up on a long list of leads that have been forwarded to our e-mail account from the Huffington Post. If that ain't high tech, I don't know what is. After all, we're using computers.<br />
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K.O.: With you so far, sheriff. Okay, what have you learned from the Huffington Post?<br />
<br />
S.D.: Well, it turns out that the shooting here in Tucson is connected to another shooting that took place last year. We've been getting all kinds of leads on this, and we think we've got an air-tight case. It looks like we're going to be able to tie the Tea-bagger movement to another rampage, and expose them for the violent conspiracy they really are.<br />
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K.O.: Sheriff Dupnik, I hardly know what to say! Sounds to me like you're the man to save America! Tell me, who are these intrepid citizen journalists coming forward from the Huffington Post to provide you with this information?<br />
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S.D.: Well, Keith, unfortunately I really can't say because they all send me these posts anonymously. Unless "Red Diaper Dandy in Berkeley" is somebody's real name, but I think it's just a alias. At any rate, these folks don't want their names out there, which I can understand, since they're so scared of the Tea-baggers.<br />
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K.O.: Absolutely, sheriff, absolutely. But at least you know the information is legitimate since it's coming from the Huffington Post. Tell me, what is this other shooting?<br />
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S.D.: Well, it turns out that Nadal Hasan fellow who shot up Fort Hood last year was actually a member of the Tea-bagger movement. That makes two connected attacks by the Tea-baggers in two states, which ought to get the FBI involved in hunting down Palin and her terrorist army asap!<br />
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K.O.: Nadal Hasan? But I thought he was a......<br />
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S.D.: Exactly, Keith, exactly. That's just what they wanted you to think. The Tea-baggers got one of their own to pose as a Muslim, which is of course the religion of peace, and then commit this crime to turn Americans against the poor peaceful followers of the religion of peace. The whole Fort Hood attack was a plot by Sarah Palin, and Nadal Hasan is actually a secret member of the Tea-bagger movement. See, Palin, along with her co-conspirators Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh, figured if they could get some guy to pretend to be a follower of Islam and kill a bunch of soldiers, it would get Americans all fired up for George Bush Jr.'s illegal wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.<br />
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K.O.: Incredible! So Palin was not only behind the shooting in Tucson, she was behind the Fort Hood attack as well! Sheriff, it's all coming together for me now! I can't believe I didn't see it earlier! You've got to be the most incredible detective in the history of the world! Tell me, what kind of hard evidence do you have at this point?<br />
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S.D.: Well, mostly e-mails from the Huffington Post. That and my own gut instincts, which is quite a bit when you've been in law enforcement as long as I have. I think we have enough here to forward to Eric Holder at the Department of Justice to get a warrant for the arrest of Palin, Beck and Limbaugh right away. I also think there's a good chance we can get the Tea-bagger movement declared a conspiracy against the government and have the FBI, Federal Marshals, BATFE and IRS move against any and all Tea-baggers immediately. This may even give us enough ammo to go back and retroactively impeach Bush!<br />
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K.O.: Sheriff Dupnik, what can I say? My legs are tingling! Keep up the great work, and feel free to come back and update us here on the program as soon as you have more info!BLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-64525068876483989692011-01-14T20:00:00.000-08:002011-01-16T21:50:26.176-08:00President Obama's Martin Luther King Day SpeechTranscript of President Obama's prepared remarks for Martin Luther King day:<br />
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Comrades and citizens of amerikkka,<br />
<br />
I am here to speak to you today about a dream. Not just any dream, but the most important dream in the history of this country. I am here to speak to you today about My dream, and the power it has to transform this country from the superstitious wasteland which poisons the rest of the world today with its violent conduct and misbegotten notions of liberty, to a country which my beautiful wife, Michelle, can be proud of all the time, not just when I am winning elections.<br />
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I tell you that only two short years ago I was elected President, as was My Chosen Destiny, an election whose shadow still hovers over us. But I must tell you that two long years later this country is still not free. This Amerikkka of yours is still not free of the superstitious crutch upon which so many of you people lean, that old bible to which you cling. This country is still not free of the pernicious influence of violence, whose sole cause is the tenacity with which you cling to your guns and ammunition. And so I speak to you today to dramatize this shameful condition.<br />
<br />
In a sense what I bring you here today is spare change. I promised you hope and change, and I have delivered. I have changed the face of health care, I have changed the composition of the military, I have cashed every check I could get my hands on for stimulus funds. But there is still a little bit of spare change I need to implement. And I am going to implement it now!<br />
<br />
It would be a mistake for John Boehner and his Republican cronies to try to stall or reverse my change. My change is the fierce urgency of getting My Way, which is the Only True and Right Way, right now! Trying to forestall My change is nothing short of sedition and heresy, and will be prosecuted right now!<br />
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Let Me say as well to you Tea-baggers out there, I know what is in your shriveled hearts and shrunken minds! I know that all you people can think about is wrongful deeds of violence and how to perpetrate them! My people will do whatever they have to in order to implement My spare change! They will be in your faces, they will bring a gun to the fight, they will engage in hand to hand combat, and they will punish My enemies!<br />
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There are some out there looking at My Great Plan, with its stimulus, health care and bailouts, and ask whether I will ever be satisfied. I can never be satisfied as long as poor Muslims are the victims of this nation's brutality. I can never be satisfied while transvestites are denied their inalienable right to join the marine corps. I can never be satisfied while the poor undocumented workers from south of the border are stripped of their dignity because they are denied access to high-paying jobs, free health care, free education and cut-rate mortgages. I cannot be satisfied until all this country's wealth has been given away in a flowing river of entitlements, which is the only proper way to spend your ill-gotten gains.<br />
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I have a dream that one day every job in this nation will be filled by an affirmative action hire!<br />
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I have a dream that one day the hills of georgia and the other confederate states will once more run red with blood as the sons and daughters of slave-holders pay the just and ultimate price for their forefathers sins!<br />
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I have a dream that one day every state will know the true meaning of freedom by providing partial-birth abortions on demand at taxpayer expense!<br />
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I have a dream where one day you people no longer use code words like "character", but admit that anyone who opposes Me and My Great Plan is a racist!<br />
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This is My Dream, the Most Important Dream in the history of amerikkka, and I call on you today to join Me in it! And if you do not, I hope you enjoy your IRS audit.<br />
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Your Great Leader in the Struggle,<br />
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President for Life B. Hussein ObamaBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-679697181693684342011-01-13T19:46:00.000-08:002011-01-14T20:05:39.167-08:00Jeremiah Wright Preaches on Love and ToleranceAdvance copy of Jeremiah Wright sermon for January 16, 2011:<br />
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Brothers and sisters, as we gather here today, we must consider the cancer of hatred that consumes this country, we must face the cancer of hatred that consumes this country and we must defeat the cancer of hatred that eats away at this country! Now, you may be asking yourselves, how can we defeat the hatred that is festering like an infected boil stuck on the end of your nose? There is only one way, my brothers and sisters, that we can defeat hatred, and that is with MORE HATRED! That's right, you heard me, we have got to OUT-HATE THE HATERS!<br />
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Sometimes a fire gets out of control, and it burns and burns and burns up everything, just like that cow of Mrs. O'Leary's that burned down this fine city that one time (and you KNOW that them O'Learys were white folks!) and it gets so bad there is only one way to fight it: You have to FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE! Hear me, my brothers and sisters! You cannot overcome evil with good, you have to overcome evil with even stronger evil! That's in the Bible! Don't bother looking, I already looked it up for you, just give me an AMEN! Can I get an AMEN!<br />
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Okay, here's how it is. Out there we got the Tea-Baggers, we got Sarah Palin, we got Rush Limbaugh, we got Glen Beck, Sean Hannity, Fox News and a whole new bunch of white devils who even have a couple of Uncle Toms taking Congress away from our beloved Democrat Party! And how did they do it? Through HATE, that's how. They're hate is killing people in Arizona. It's killing people in Afghanistan. It's killing people in Iraq. It's killing people in North Korea, Syria, Cuba, Lybia, Venezuela and Russia! And if we don't get our own hate on, it's going to kill us too! We have got to have a stronger HATE than their hate. We have to get rid of this foolish notion of loving our enemies. We have got to HATE our enemies, because their chickens are coming home to roost! AMEN and AMEN! And we have got to take those chickens by the feet and beat those white devils and ofays to death with them!<br />
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Brothers and sisters, I have seen the face of SATAN! It's true, it's true! Satan don't live in no Hell no more, she got OUT and she is up here! She runs all around Alaska and kills caribous and mooses and what-not and eats them up right there! What kind of craziness is that? How can our Brother the President, our dear Brother and My Very Own Son in Our Gospel, expect to overcome a She-Devil Satan who kills Grizzly Bears and Eats Them in Alaska? Only with HATE, that's how!<br />
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Why did this crazy killer kill all those folks in Arizona? Because the She-Devil known as Palin taught him to hate, that's why! Well, we have got to hate back even more! Hate your enemies! Punish your enemies! Get in their faces and bring a gun to the fight! We know about the Chicago Way! Can I get an AMEN!<br />
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So brothers and sisters, I ask you, is your hate strong enough? Can you hate the blue-eyed devils in all their forms and guises? Not just the crazy looking ones like Palin, but the nice looking ones too? Can you hate even the little blue-eyed children? Because that's what we have to do, that's in the Bible, can I get an AMEN for our HATE!<br />
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So in closing, my brothers and sisters, we can only overcome evil with even stronger evil, we must HATE our enemies, we must persecute those who would persecute us, we must revile those who would revile us, we must slander and defame those who would withstand us! We must take two eyes for every eye they take from us! We must do unto them before they get the chance to do unto us! THAT'S IN THE BIBLE! CAN I GET AN AMEN! The time is not only past to try to love our enemies, that time was never here! Don't believe what you read in some honkey's so-called Bible. Don't read it if it was translated by a blue-eyed devil! Don't believe it if it's some perversion pawned off on us by some ofay King of England! No, we got our own scriptures, and in MY Bible I read all these things. Don't ask me just yet who gave me <i>this </i>version, we'll talk about that later. Just read it and believe it! AND HATE ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T LOOK LIKE YOU, BECAUSE THEIR CHICKENS ARE COMING HOME TO ROOST!BLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-42237304978169920382011-01-12T15:56:00.000-08:002011-01-13T19:47:04.686-08:00Keith Olbermann and Sheriff Dupnik Delcare Palin Guilty of Arizona ShootingTranscript of Countdown with Keith Olbermann from January 12:<br />
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Keith Olbermann: Tonight it is my honor to bring to you Sheriff Clarence W. Dupnik live from Tucson, Arizona. Good evening, sheriff, how are you doing tonight and how is your investigation going?<br />
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Sheriff Dupnik: Good evening, Keith. I'm doing great and I'm pleased to announce that we have one of the conspirators in custody, and my department has a working theory of the case which we hope will soon lead to additional arrests.<br />
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K.O. Additional arrests? So the early rumors that the shooter didn't act alone are actually true?<br />
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S.D. That's right, Keith. We have identified at least two conspirators who were directly involved in the assassination attempt. Even as we speak, my officers are coordinating with the FBI and President Obama's justice department to build the case against these additional conspirators. I am confident we will be able to make additional arrests before this week is over.<br />
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K.O. What can you tell me about these additional arrests? Can you tell me who these additional conspirators are, and how they were involved?<br />
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S.D. Actually, that's exactly why I wanted to come on your show tonight. The general public needs to be made aware of this conspiracy and its perpetrators so that they can be on guard against it, and if necessary help bring the conspirators to justice. The first conspirator I will be asking for an indictment against is Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska and current leader of the Tea-bagger terrorist organization.<br />
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K.O. Well, no surprise there. That b**** has been my worst person in the world so many times we might as well name the award after her. So tell us, how was Palin involved in the conspiracy, how deep was her involvement, and what charges will you be bringing against her?<br />
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S.D. Well, Keith, as you know that deranged maniac Palin had put out a map which actually had a cross-hairs target over this Congressional district in the last election. I believe we can safely assume that map was the catalyst that led to the shooting. Furthermore, I believe we can make an airtight case that Palin knew the map would lead to the Congresswoman being targeted for assassination, and published it for that explicit purpose. We also have evidence that Palin used technology she stole from the Air Force while she was governor of Alaska to beam the idea to shoot the Congresswoman directly into the assassin's brain.<br />
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K.O. Seriously? She did that?<br />
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S.D. That's the picture were getting as we interrogate the suspect. He insists that someone beamed the idea directly into his head, and I have no reason to doubt him on that. And if someone did, who is a better suspect than the maniacal terrorist Palin?<br />
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K.O. Who indeed? After all, there is an Air Force base in Alaska. It's all starting to make perfect sense now. But I believe you said there were other conspirators?<br />
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S.D. That's right. Right now we're also filing an indictment against the voice of hate in America, Rush Libmaugh. We have reason to believe that he is directly responsible for this attack as well.<br />
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K.O. That's fantastic! Palin and Limbaugh both going down on a murder rap! I'm getting tingles up my leg that even Chris Matthews would envy! What's the evidence against Limbaugh?<br />
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S.D. Well, we know that Limbaugh has been broadcasting hate over the airwaves across this nation. We also know that his listeners are a bunch of mind-numbed robots incapable of independent thought or action. That fits the profile of our trigger-man to a tee. This kid was completely incapable of any independent thought or action, so Limbaugh must have put the idea in his head. We believe he used the mind control device Palin stole from the Air Force to beam the wave directly into the shooter's head via the radio waves from his EIB network.<br />
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K.O. Incredible, but perfectly believable. Sheriff, the way you have connected the dots in this case is a marvel of police work! Sherlock Holmes must be rolling over in his grave with envy at your deductive skills. Tell me, do you think you'll have any problem making this case in court?<br />
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S.D. None at all, Keith. My office has already spoken with the shooter's attorney. His attorney assures us he'll be willing to confirm our theory and testify to it in court once we get him a grant of immunity. In light of the great damage that Palin and Limbaugh are doing to this nation, and their ability to inspire more violence, I believe it's in the best interest of the people of this country to grant the shooter immunity in exchange for his testimony. I know a lot of people out there will be upset to see this guy walk free, but if we can get Palin and Limbaugh out of circulation in exchange, it's a trade I would make any day.<br />
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K.O. Agreed on that, Sheriff! Keep up the good work and keep us posted.BLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-6559494900784192612011-01-11T21:02:00.000-08:002011-01-12T15:59:18.258-08:00Obama's Number One Supporter Weighs in on ArizonaFrom the desk of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law:<br />
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Dear President Obama,<br />
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I must admit, I am greatly pleased to see that the recent events in Arizona are having their desired results. Of course you were unaware of my machinations on your behalf, but that must often be the case. Consider it "plausible deniability", a term with which I believe you are well familiar. After all, whenever innocent blood is shed, you can trust that someone from my firm has been at work. And please, whatever face you wish to put on for your adoring public, do not play coy with me. We have known each other far too well for far too long.<br />
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So, now that I have delivered your crisis, what are you going to do with it? I see my trusty servant Sheriff Dupnik is as reliable as ever. Observe him and learn. See how he attacks his enemies without hesitation? Does he allow his ridiculous "oath of office" to deter him? Does he adhere to some pathetic notion of "honor" or "ethics" that constrains his speech? Does he concern himself with his "responsibilities" as an "office of the law" in a time such as this? No, of course not! He is a true man, exercising his will to power without concern for the weak and stupid whom he bends to his will. If you are to be a true Great Leader then you must become like him!<br />
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Now is the time to attack. Do not wait, do not hesitate. The reigns of power are in your hands. When my Austrian henchman saw the Reichstag burning, do you think he hesitated? Of course not; his enemies were being executed in the streets and in their beds within days. Why then do you wait? Do you not know that he who hesitates is lost? Quit taking so much time to think, and simply act! I will do the thinking for you, you must do the acting for me. Those are the terms of our agreement, and the rules which bind both of us.<br />
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I assure you, I can deliver opportunities of this nature to you only so often, and at great cost and effort to my firm. If you squander them, we will take our services elsewhere. I do not say this to threaten you (although you well know what my superiors lower down in this firm are capable of) but to remind you of your obligations to us and to yourself. Do you want to be the One True Messiah that your faithful followers long for? Do you want to be a God on earth, as even your journalists have proclaimed you to be? Then you must act the part. I have given you the excuse, now you must take the action.<br />
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Let me add further, that if you will act on this opportunity, then it affords me the power that I need to create more opportunities for you. Do not be afraid, I will never betray you or let you down! Every time you seize one of the opportunities I give you, I am made stronger, and can provide more of the same bloodshed necessary for your advancement. Remember, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.<br />
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So the choice is yours, my friend. Muzzle the press. Repeal the "freedoms" your bitter countrymen so foolishly hold dear and cling to. Once you have taken their freedom, then you can usher in the New Age and your Great Plan. Once you give your full obeisance to me, I can fully empower you to be the God of your world. But you must strip your countrymen of their freedom, and more especially of their love for their freedom. Only when you do this can our common goals be fully realized. So strike now to silence those who oppose you, and show yourself to be worthy of my devotion.<br />
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Your friend and mentor,<br />
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D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-LawBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-55677193634072272002011-01-10T22:20:00.000-08:002011-01-11T21:05:56.032-08:00Sheriff Clarence Dupnik Issues Statement on "Responsible Parties" in ShootingFrom the desk of Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik:<br />
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Dear Fellow Citizens and Voters,<br />
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It pains me to have to reflect on the tragic events that befell our beloved community this past Saturday. While there will no doubt be a time to grieve the losses we have sustained as a community, this is not the time. No, now is the time to assess blame.<br />
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We live in troubled times, with all sorts of troubled folks ambling around, spouting off all kinds of troubled stuff and nonsense that gets picked up on by even more troubled folks who then go out and do troubling things. The kind of troubling things that troubled our entire community this past Saturday. I myself am deeply troubled by all this troubled, rambling nonsense we hear and see all day long, every day. It's high time someone took the trouble to do something about these troubles, and that troubled someone is me.<br />
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Now look, the first thing you have to understand is that my office has been on top of all this trouble from the get-go. The fact of the matter is this troubled young fellow has been making trouble for about four years now, and we've got a file thicker than your momma's pancakes on him. He made trouble when he was in high school. He was too troubled to get into the army. He made trouble at the local junior college until they took the trouble to kick him out. He had been making troubling threats to the Congress lady here as far back as 2007. In short this young fellow was nothing but trouble.<br />
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What, you might ask, did my office do about this? We did exactly what you should always do with a troubled young troublemaker like this. We didn't start any trouble. If you will only take the time and trouble to cogitate on that for a few minutes, you'll see my logic was airtight. This troubled kid was looking for trouble, so I made sure all of my deputies took special trouble not to start any trouble with him. Did we have troubling reports of him threatening his teachers and classmates, using drugs, and even posting troubling online threats against the Congress lady? Of course we did. That's why we took extra trouble not to start trouble with this young fellow. Because if we did, who knows what kind of trouble we might have accidentally stirred up?<br />
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But then along comes this Rush Limbaugh fellow, stirring up all kinds of trouble with the troublesome nonsense he turns out on that trouble making radio show of his. After all, where do you think a troubled young man like this gets these kind of troubling ideas? Don't give me all that hogwash about drugs, schizophrenia, reading the communist manifesto and mein kampf, or attending public schools. None of that stuff ever stirred up this kind of trouble, no matter how troubled the kid might be. No, only the dark prince of evil talk radio, the trouble making Rush Limbaugh, could bring this kind of trouble down on our heads.<br />
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Now I will admit, we have not yet found definitive proof that this young man actually listened to Rush Limbaugh, but I tell you that is even more troubling. After all, if Rush Limbaugh could cause this kind of troubling behavior in some poor troubled youth who never even listened to his radio program, what kind of trouble do you think he is stirring up in the troubled masses of mind numbed robots who listen to his show? Big trouble, that's what kind!<br />
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So once again, rest assured that no fault lies with my office in this shooting. We took into account the troubling propensity for violence in this troubled youth and avoided starting any trouble with him. As a result, we can safely surmise that only the dark prince of trouble makers, Rush Limbaugh, could have been responsible for this shooting. We'll just have to see if our local prosecutor can trouble himself into finding some way to file the indictment against Limbaugh and get him off the air once and for all. I know it sound extremes, but troubled times call for troubling actions.<br />
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Sincerely,<br />
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Pima County Sheriff Clarence DupnikBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-37714032204450102292011-01-10T12:59:00.000-08:002011-01-10T22:21:29.928-08:00Eric Holder Addresses Legal Issues of Arizona ShootingFrom the desk of Attorney General Eric Holder:<br />
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Dear President Obama,<br />
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First, allow me to say once again how honored I am to serve You, our Exalted Leader, and to be available at Your beck and call to provide advice for Your Glorious Project. As per Your request, I have reviewed all applicable Federal statutes and case law, and have prepared a legal statement an plan of action following the deplorable attack by the Tea-Bagger operative in Arizona. I believe it is important that we institute this plan of action as quickly as possible, to ensure that we do not let a good crisis go to waste. It is especially important that this plan be enacted before the general public has time to "cool off", so to speak, and assess the situation. An approach such as Your brilliant stimulus strategy, with a bill being passed and signed immediately, is our best bet for total success in this endeavor.<br />
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As we look at the Constitutional issues involved, I believe our first area of "correction" should be the first amendment. Far too much has been made in this country's history of the so-called "right" of the "people" to criticize their leaders. I believe we should consider this a "collective" right rather than an "individual" right. Thus, various organizations, upon receiving official state licensing, may be allowed to criticize political leaders. Examples would be The New York Times, Washington Post, MSNBC and CNN. Obviously Fox News and talk radio would be excluded from such licensing, as they have not displayed sufficient restraint in their rhetoric directed against Your Great Plan, and thus have not earned their right to a license.<br />
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Quite frankly, I think we can establish a "two-tier" approach to first amendment rights. Nude dancing, pornography, Nazi marches in jewish neighborhoods and public sodomy would all continue to receive "tier one" protection, so that they would be absolutely protected by the courts. On the other hand, more questionable and offensive activities such as criticism of Yourself, attendance of conservative christian churches, and participation in unauthorized political movements such as the Tea-baggers would be tier-two level rights, requiring an appropriate license which could be dispensed, or not, at the discretion of the chair of the FCC. <br />
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I believe the time is now ripe to make the general population see that the first amendment, as currently construed, is just too broad. Once the people are convinced that they can have safety and security only if they surrender this false "right" it will be child's play to get Congress to pass legislation restricting these rights. I am also confident that our current Supreme Court can provide us with a 5-4 split decision in Your favor on this matter.<br />
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Next up is the second amendment, that perpetual fetish of the radical fascists on the right. If ever there was a time to strike back at the notion that individual citizens should be able to keep and bear firearms, now is that time. Once again, we must not let a good crisis go to waste. Since the Supreme Court has recently issues two treacherous rulings against You in this matter, we will have to seek an actual repeal. I do believe this is possible, however, and moreover that now is the time to make it happen. Even if Congress refuses to go along with a repeal at first, just think of the great campaign fodder it will provide for You in 2012! You will be able to paint the republicans as the gun-toting, killing-machine fascists they truly are.<br />
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Think also of the possibilities: With the first amendment curtailed to where it should be, and the second amendment eliminated altogether, there will be no meaningful opposition left to Your Great Plan for this country. The NRA will no longer be able to fund our opposition, and that demon Limbaugh will be off the air once and for all. So let's not let this opportunity go to waste, we must act now!<br />
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Your most humble and loyal servant,<br />
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united states attorney general Eric HolderBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8853766197457160443.post-29361971406946608252011-01-09T21:06:00.000-08:002011-01-10T13:06:37.711-08:00President Obama Calls for End to Violent RhetoricFrom the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:<br />
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Dear Comrades and citizens of amerikkka,<br />
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In light of the recent treacherous murders committed by Sarah Palin's acolyte, I must call on all of you people who are truly of good will to cease the hateful, divisive and seditious language which has plagued this country of late. Quite frankly, this violence comes as a surprise to no one who has paid any attention whatsoever to the demagogues of the fascistic Republican party and their willing accomplices on the airwaves of talk radio and Fox news. It is time for the unpatriotic, bigoted bile which spews from these people to come to an end, by whatever means necessary.<br />
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As I have stated before, if My opponent brings a knife to a fight, then I will bring a gun. You people out there in flyover country had better pay close attention here. I am tired of having to tell you to clean up your act. Your insistence on bitterly clinging to your guns and bibles is the root cause of the disease of racism and violence which infects this pathetic excuse for a country. It's high time I proved to you that I will indeed bring my gun up against your knives, so either end your petulant whining or I'll have to end it for you.<br />
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Just as I told My Hispanic friends during the recent campaign, it's time for Me to punish My enemies. Your incendiary comments are without any shadow of a doubt the cause of the recent shooting that has rocked this nation. You people are always trying to block My Great Plan for this country and the rest of the world, always screaming and complaining about your so-called "rights" and your pathetic "constitution" which is over a hundred years old, for crying out loud. How is anybody supposed to understand something that old? Face it, you just don't know what's good for you, but you will soon enough. Like I said, I punish My enemies.<br />
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I promised you rednecks out there that if you took the Congress away from Me and My party there would be hand to hand combat. Well now you're going to get it. I am sick and tired of your violent hate speech and the violent actions of your crazed veterans out there. One of My congresswomen from Arizona has already assured me this shooter was a veteran of the war in Afghanistan, which of course means this is all Bush's fault. Of course it's all Palin and Limbaugh's fault also, but don't worry, there's plenty of one-hundred per-cent fault to go around for all of My enemies who need to be punished.<br />
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I'm reminded of My good buddy Joe Biden, who said a while back he'd like to strangle any Republican who talked about balancing the budget. Joe was right on, he just didn't go far enough. We need to strangle and Republican who launches investigations into My czars and their noble work. We need to strangle Republicans who want to try to repeal My Great Health Care Bill. We need to strangle Republicans who have poll numbers that show they might have a chance against Me in 2012. And we definitely need to strangle each and every member of the nefarious Tea-bagger movement. So cut the violent rhetoric out there already!<br />
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As My good friend and mentor Bill Ayers always tells Me, I have to be able to function without regret. Hey, Bill killed three cops and he doesn't have any regrets! Maybe it's because he doesn't engage in the violent, crazed, right-wing agit-prop against My Greatness that is going on in the country right now. Let's face it, if it weren't for the Tea-baggers, Sarah Palin, Rush Limbauh, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Fox News, there wouldn't be any violence in amerikkka. Well believe you Me, when I bring a gun to the fight, punish my enemies, engage in hand-to-hand combat and strangle Republicans, I won't have any regrets at all. So knock off all the violent rhetoric out there before somebody else gets hurt. After all, it's not like I don't know how to use the Chicago Way.<br />
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Your Leader in the Struggle,<br />
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President for Life B. Hussein ObamaBLShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01969011511603221605noreply@blogger.com2