From the desk of Michael Steele:
Dear Fellow Republicans,
While I was reading my morning copy of the Washington Post the other day (a fine paper, which I find second only to the New York Times) it came to my attention that many public opinion polls are finding our Grand Old Party with a significant lead in generic polling. While this may initially seem gratifying, I believe we should at the situation with a gimlet eye.
First of all, are we really ready to rule? After all, many of our finest eldest statespersons (can't leave out Lisa!) will no longer be with us. Without Senators Murkowski or Bennet, or the fine governorship of Charlie Crist, or the congressional leadership of Mike Castle I truly doubt the Republicans are ready to govern this fine nation.
My next point of concern is this overly-rowdy Tea Party movement. While I am gratified to see that they are currently voting for Republican candidates, I am concerned over their romantic notions of actually being able to choose those candidates themselves. We here at the RNC have spent years in the system, paying our dues to advance through the party. We have spent large sums of money to locate and recruit fine, upstanding legislators of moderate demeanor, who will be non-threatening to the voting public. To have these Tea Partiers reject our choices through this ridiculous primary system is, quite frankly, a bit tedious and offensive. These people have quite simply got to learn their place. Still, I suppose that can wait until after the election.
Now as to this matter of a possible majority in Congress and the Senate, I must caution you not to become to optimistic. This wild-eyed exuberance we have been seeing of late is quite simply unbecoming. We are Republicans, after all. We have an image to maintain. This notion of "fighting" for a win is simply to "street" for us, if you know what I mean. We need to remember, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. And we here at the RNC know all about playing the game.
Sincerely,
RNC Chairman Michael Steele
Friday, October 8, 2010
Harry Reid supports "Don't Ask Don't Tell"
From the Desk of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid:
Dear fellow Democratic Senators:
After reflecting on our current "don't ask, don't tell" policy, I believe that we should not only keep it in place, but expand it, as it may well increase our chances at electoral success. Here are some areas where we should further implement "don't ask, don't tell".
1) Medicare cuts to fund Obamacare. I understand that off year elections are heavily influenced by the "senior" (old fart) vote. Due to misrepresentation by the press, many of these seniors have come to believe we are cutting $500 billion from Medicare to fund Obamacare. Some of them have even heard about the compassion committees that will determine when they have used enough resources. I strongly suggest using a "don't ask, don't tell" policy in regards to any questions about Medicare cuts are alleged "rationing" to fund Obamacare.
2) TARP. Many voters have been quite upset by the funds we provided to save the banking industry. Being the yokel rubes that they are, they fail to see how our taking more of our own money from them to save failing banks is actually good for taxpayers. Rather than trying to explain this to them for the umpteenth time, simply implement a "don't ask, don't tell" policy about any federal bailouts for struggling industry. Let's face it, they're just plain too dumb to understand it anyway.
3) Our President. While we understand that Our Dear Fearless Leader has brought a new period of understanding and reconciliation to our nation, many of those who have yet to receive His true enlightenment are still distrustful of Him. Thus, on any question of whether we support Our Great Leader Obama, I suggest a policy of "don't ask, don't tell", however painful that may be for some of us.
4) "Lame duck session". Some snide prognosticators have actually suggested that many of us will lose our bids for re-election. While I realize this is a laughable idea, we have begun to receive questions about whether we would proceed with our agenda "against the will of the people" (as if!) in a "lame-duck" session. Once again, simply for the purpose of avoiding ugly scenes at those dreadful town-hall meetings, I strongly suggest a policy of "don't ask, don't tell".
Your Fearless Master and Commander of the Senate,
Harry Reid
Dear fellow Democratic Senators:
After reflecting on our current "don't ask, don't tell" policy, I believe that we should not only keep it in place, but expand it, as it may well increase our chances at electoral success. Here are some areas where we should further implement "don't ask, don't tell".
1) Medicare cuts to fund Obamacare. I understand that off year elections are heavily influenced by the "senior" (old fart) vote. Due to misrepresentation by the press, many of these seniors have come to believe we are cutting $500 billion from Medicare to fund Obamacare. Some of them have even heard about the compassion committees that will determine when they have used enough resources. I strongly suggest using a "don't ask, don't tell" policy in regards to any questions about Medicare cuts are alleged "rationing" to fund Obamacare.
2) TARP. Many voters have been quite upset by the funds we provided to save the banking industry. Being the yokel rubes that they are, they fail to see how our taking more of our own money from them to save failing banks is actually good for taxpayers. Rather than trying to explain this to them for the umpteenth time, simply implement a "don't ask, don't tell" policy about any federal bailouts for struggling industry. Let's face it, they're just plain too dumb to understand it anyway.
3) Our President. While we understand that Our Dear Fearless Leader has brought a new period of understanding and reconciliation to our nation, many of those who have yet to receive His true enlightenment are still distrustful of Him. Thus, on any question of whether we support Our Great Leader Obama, I suggest a policy of "don't ask, don't tell", however painful that may be for some of us.
4) "Lame duck session". Some snide prognosticators have actually suggested that many of us will lose our bids for re-election. While I realize this is a laughable idea, we have begun to receive questions about whether we would proceed with our agenda "against the will of the people" (as if!) in a "lame-duck" session. Once again, simply for the purpose of avoiding ugly scenes at those dreadful town-hall meetings, I strongly suggest a policy of "don't ask, don't tell".
Your Fearless Master and Commander of the Senate,
Harry Reid
Dear American Spectator/National Review/Weekly Standard Reader:
From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:
Dear American Spectator/National Review/Weekly Standard Reader,
Once again I find Myself maligned by the readers of this despicable magazine. Once the fairness doctrine, net neutrality and the people's airwaves are fully implemented, I shall no longer be forced to tolerate such recriminations. In the meantime, however, I will deign to reply to your blasphemous questions. Please try to keep up as best you can with your feeble mind.
I assure you, the pittance you contribute to my salary is quite small. I am well-provided for by means other than the pitiful paycheck I receive for my unappreciated public service as President for Life. In point of fact, my rather "non-traditional" compensation package is quite generous, well beyond anything your pathetic efforts could provide. I have a contractual guarantee for these benefits in perpetuity, negotiated on my behalf by my attorney, Mr. D. Mephistopheles, whom my good friend and mentor the Rev. J. Wright was kind enough to introduce me to.
Furthermore, how dare you accuse Me of being "anti-American"? Have I not spent years toiling away in public service, as a law professor, community organizer, and elected official? Just because your idea of "Amerikkka" does not match my Divine Wisdom does not make me "anti-America". If anything, it is America which is anti-Obama, and thus it is America which must change its ways, not me. The sooner you bitter clingers in the hinterlands realize this, the better it will be for you.
As to this matter of "Divine Intervention": Well of course I, your President for Life, will continue to intervene in your affairs. Quite frankly I find it baffling that at one moment you deride My patriotism, then in the next you request My intervention. Perhaps you should seek psychiatric help in this matter. Or you could simply continue to pray to Me, whichever works better for you.
The Republicans? Oh, that's a laugher. My friendly attorney D. Mephistopheles has assured me that large numbers of their leadership have compensation packages quite similar to my own which he negotiated on their behalf.
How do you survive? Obey. Obey. Obey. You need to get used to the idea. My good friend and adviser, one H. Chavez, has shown me a clear path to continuing My Leadership in perpetuity, to the great blessing of this benighted nation. I will bring the light. Trust and Obey Me, and perhaps I will be merciful in spite of your previous unfaithfulness.
Your President for Life,
B. Hussein Obama
Dear American Spectator/National Review/Weekly Standard Reader,
Once again I find Myself maligned by the readers of this despicable magazine. Once the fairness doctrine, net neutrality and the people's airwaves are fully implemented, I shall no longer be forced to tolerate such recriminations. In the meantime, however, I will deign to reply to your blasphemous questions. Please try to keep up as best you can with your feeble mind.
I assure you, the pittance you contribute to my salary is quite small. I am well-provided for by means other than the pitiful paycheck I receive for my unappreciated public service as President for Life. In point of fact, my rather "non-traditional" compensation package is quite generous, well beyond anything your pathetic efforts could provide. I have a contractual guarantee for these benefits in perpetuity, negotiated on my behalf by my attorney, Mr. D. Mephistopheles, whom my good friend and mentor the Rev. J. Wright was kind enough to introduce me to.
Furthermore, how dare you accuse Me of being "anti-American"? Have I not spent years toiling away in public service, as a law professor, community organizer, and elected official? Just because your idea of "Amerikkka" does not match my Divine Wisdom does not make me "anti-America". If anything, it is America which is anti-Obama, and thus it is America which must change its ways, not me. The sooner you bitter clingers in the hinterlands realize this, the better it will be for you.
As to this matter of "Divine Intervention": Well of course I, your President for Life, will continue to intervene in your affairs. Quite frankly I find it baffling that at one moment you deride My patriotism, then in the next you request My intervention. Perhaps you should seek psychiatric help in this matter. Or you could simply continue to pray to Me, whichever works better for you.
The Republicans? Oh, that's a laugher. My friendly attorney D. Mephistopheles has assured me that large numbers of their leadership have compensation packages quite similar to my own which he negotiated on their behalf.
How do you survive? Obey. Obey. Obey. You need to get used to the idea. My good friend and adviser, one H. Chavez, has shown me a clear path to continuing My Leadership in perpetuity, to the great blessing of this benighted nation. I will bring the light. Trust and Obey Me, and perhaps I will be merciful in spite of your previous unfaithfulness.
Your President for Life,
B. Hussein Obama
Dear Mr. President: Your Polls are Showing
From the desk of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law
Dear President Obama,
I am pleased to be able to report to you that my higher-ups within the firm are quite pleased with your progress to date. Your enthusiasm for carrying out your contractual obligations to this firm have indeed been exemplary. If only all of the souls who contracted with us were so zealous in performing their sides of the contracts! Still, there is a small matter we need to discuss regarding the fulfillment of your obligations.
If you will look at section b, subsection ll, line 43, of your contract I believe you will see the point in question. It is not simply enough that you serve us yourself (although, once again, your enthusiasm is truly remarkable); you are obligated to bring the rest of the nation along with you as well. We trust you understand that failure in this regard would be a breach on your part, and would free this firm from some of its obligations (such as Presidency for Life) to yourself.
Please remember, you were offered this contract specifically as a result of your being able to convince lower management that you were a great communicator, as skilled as the thrice-cursed R. Reagan who so long thwarted our goals. You assured our lowest offices that just as the abominable R. Reagan so ably led your nation towards the other side, so you could lead it towards us. Let me be frank. You have received all that you were promised, and now we want what is due us. And some within the firm grow restless, even nervous.
Yes, yes, I know you have done our work. I know that you have secured many initiatives which will deprive your citizenry of their "freedom" (why your race clings so bitterly to such notions is beyond me); that you have secured a national medical plan which will advance our beautiful Culture of Death, taking the unborn, the sickly, the weak and the elderly from your midst (why do you insist on keeping them around, anyway) and inuring your populace to the banality of Our Presence among you. Yes, in all of this you have done our will without fail. But that is not enough.
The other side, in its thrice-cursed "compassion" for your kind, has managed, through measures that were indeed barbaric, to prohibit our firm from taking full possession of your nation and its citizens unless they submit to such possession of their own "free will". Which is where you, Mr. President, come in to play. You MUST convince them to stay loyal to you, and hence to our aims and goals. These mid-term elections of yours are crucial to those goals. If too many of our mutual colleagues are removed from power and replaced by those thrice-cursed servants of the other side, much of our great work might be undone. This, of course, would result in a breach of contract upon your part, regardless of your personal service to us. Hence I must insist that you do all within your considerable power, given to you by us for our purposes, to see that those loyal to our side prevail in the upcoming election. Please remember what is at stake for you personally in this matter. I am sure you are well aware of the reputation this firm has established towards those who breach their contracts with us.
Now, enough with such unpleasant matters. A certain Mr. S. Alinsky sends his regards from our lower offices, and assures us you are on the right track. So, keep your pride up and your thoughts down, and all should turn out just as we desire.
Your friend and supporter,
D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law
Dear President Obama,
I am pleased to be able to report to you that my higher-ups within the firm are quite pleased with your progress to date. Your enthusiasm for carrying out your contractual obligations to this firm have indeed been exemplary. If only all of the souls who contracted with us were so zealous in performing their sides of the contracts! Still, there is a small matter we need to discuss regarding the fulfillment of your obligations.
If you will look at section b, subsection ll, line 43, of your contract I believe you will see the point in question. It is not simply enough that you serve us yourself (although, once again, your enthusiasm is truly remarkable); you are obligated to bring the rest of the nation along with you as well. We trust you understand that failure in this regard would be a breach on your part, and would free this firm from some of its obligations (such as Presidency for Life) to yourself.
Please remember, you were offered this contract specifically as a result of your being able to convince lower management that you were a great communicator, as skilled as the thrice-cursed R. Reagan who so long thwarted our goals. You assured our lowest offices that just as the abominable R. Reagan so ably led your nation towards the other side, so you could lead it towards us. Let me be frank. You have received all that you were promised, and now we want what is due us. And some within the firm grow restless, even nervous.
Yes, yes, I know you have done our work. I know that you have secured many initiatives which will deprive your citizenry of their "freedom" (why your race clings so bitterly to such notions is beyond me); that you have secured a national medical plan which will advance our beautiful Culture of Death, taking the unborn, the sickly, the weak and the elderly from your midst (why do you insist on keeping them around, anyway) and inuring your populace to the banality of Our Presence among you. Yes, in all of this you have done our will without fail. But that is not enough.
The other side, in its thrice-cursed "compassion" for your kind, has managed, through measures that were indeed barbaric, to prohibit our firm from taking full possession of your nation and its citizens unless they submit to such possession of their own "free will". Which is where you, Mr. President, come in to play. You MUST convince them to stay loyal to you, and hence to our aims and goals. These mid-term elections of yours are crucial to those goals. If too many of our mutual colleagues are removed from power and replaced by those thrice-cursed servants of the other side, much of our great work might be undone. This, of course, would result in a breach of contract upon your part, regardless of your personal service to us. Hence I must insist that you do all within your considerable power, given to you by us for our purposes, to see that those loyal to our side prevail in the upcoming election. Please remember what is at stake for you personally in this matter. I am sure you are well aware of the reputation this firm has established towards those who breach their contracts with us.
Now, enough with such unpleasant matters. A certain Mr. S. Alinsky sends his regards from our lower offices, and assures us you are on the right track. So, keep your pride up and your thoughts down, and all should turn out just as we desire.
Your friend and supporter,
D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law
Obama promises hand to hand combat
From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:
January 23, 2011
Dear Democratic Congresspersons,
I wish to advise you of my supreme disappointment with the performance of our party in the election last November. Now that the Republicans hold a forty-five seat majority in the House of Representatives, as well as controlling fifty-three Senate seats, my aides tell Me that My agenda will have to be curtailed. Quite frankly, this is unacceptable. Regardless of the cost in blood and treasure, My agenda, which will be for the Ultimate Greater Good, must go forward.
Since we no longer hold the numerical advantage necessary to advance our agenda through normal parliamentary procedures, I have been forced to resort to more drastic measures. Thus I am instituting a policy of hand-to-hand combat when dealing with the enemies of My Greatness, the thrice-cursed Republicans.
I am well aware that some of you are beginning to lose courage in My Grand Design. I realize that some of you, being aware of the fact that I had previously promised hand-to-hand combat in these circumstances, have begun to traitorously whisper that the outcome of such a tactic is in doubt; some of you even expressed the heretical thought the Republicans, those jackal sons of monkeys, might prevail. Allow Me to address the fears of your feeble hearts in this matter.
First of all, yes, I am aware of the incident that took place November 2nd in Florida, concerning a former Army Lt. Colonel by the name of Allen West, who has since been elected to congress. Yes, I am aware of what happened to the members of Our Brethren, the members of the New Black Panthers Party, who attempted to intercept Colonel West at the polling office while addressing him as an "Uncle Tom" (which, quite frankly, I find completely justified in the case of ANY person of color running as a Republican) while waving a nightstick in his general direction. I am well aware of Colonel West's unbelievable overreaction, and no, I would not have thought it would be possible to turn a nightstick sideways and shove it that far up any orifice of the human body. Rest assured, however, I have been assured by local medical professionals that all six of the New Black Panthers are expected to regain the use of most of their upper body within a year. And yes, I am aware that an internal poll conducted by our minority leaders has indicated that you will not engage Colonel West in hand-to-hand combat even if you outnumber him twenty to one. Fair enough. Perhaps we can schedule the combat for a day when Colonel West will be absent from chambers.
I am also aware that many of you are concerned that the elections of Jesse Kelly, Nick Popaditch and Duncan Hunter will prove disastrous to My Plan. I speak the Truth to Power when I say that I abhor your cowardice. Somebody tell Nancy Pelosi to man up! I assure you, I have it on good authority, that the so-called "training" these men went through during their time as US Marines is entirely overrated, and that you will easily overcome them if you stick together. I am tired of this whining and crying. Have I not led you to one legislative success after another? And now, that so many of you have, through your own fault, let Me down by losing your seats, the remainder refuses to fight? Cowards!
In response to the other question I received: No, I will not be available to personally lead you into hand-to-hand combat against these Republican swine. It would not be fitting for the Office I hold to be seen engaged in fisticuffs with that rabble. Which is why it is up to you to take care of it for Me, just as you have done My bidding in the past. Now get to it!
Your President for Life,
B. Hussein Obama
January 23, 2011
Dear Democratic Congresspersons,
I wish to advise you of my supreme disappointment with the performance of our party in the election last November. Now that the Republicans hold a forty-five seat majority in the House of Representatives, as well as controlling fifty-three Senate seats, my aides tell Me that My agenda will have to be curtailed. Quite frankly, this is unacceptable. Regardless of the cost in blood and treasure, My agenda, which will be for the Ultimate Greater Good, must go forward.
Since we no longer hold the numerical advantage necessary to advance our agenda through normal parliamentary procedures, I have been forced to resort to more drastic measures. Thus I am instituting a policy of hand-to-hand combat when dealing with the enemies of My Greatness, the thrice-cursed Republicans.
I am well aware that some of you are beginning to lose courage in My Grand Design. I realize that some of you, being aware of the fact that I had previously promised hand-to-hand combat in these circumstances, have begun to traitorously whisper that the outcome of such a tactic is in doubt; some of you even expressed the heretical thought the Republicans, those jackal sons of monkeys, might prevail. Allow Me to address the fears of your feeble hearts in this matter.
First of all, yes, I am aware of the incident that took place November 2nd in Florida, concerning a former Army Lt. Colonel by the name of Allen West, who has since been elected to congress. Yes, I am aware of what happened to the members of Our Brethren, the members of the New Black Panthers Party, who attempted to intercept Colonel West at the polling office while addressing him as an "Uncle Tom" (which, quite frankly, I find completely justified in the case of ANY person of color running as a Republican) while waving a nightstick in his general direction. I am well aware of Colonel West's unbelievable overreaction, and no, I would not have thought it would be possible to turn a nightstick sideways and shove it that far up any orifice of the human body. Rest assured, however, I have been assured by local medical professionals that all six of the New Black Panthers are expected to regain the use of most of their upper body within a year. And yes, I am aware that an internal poll conducted by our minority leaders has indicated that you will not engage Colonel West in hand-to-hand combat even if you outnumber him twenty to one. Fair enough. Perhaps we can schedule the combat for a day when Colonel West will be absent from chambers.
I am also aware that many of you are concerned that the elections of Jesse Kelly, Nick Popaditch and Duncan Hunter will prove disastrous to My Plan. I speak the Truth to Power when I say that I abhor your cowardice. Somebody tell Nancy Pelosi to man up! I assure you, I have it on good authority, that the so-called "training" these men went through during their time as US Marines is entirely overrated, and that you will easily overcome them if you stick together. I am tired of this whining and crying. Have I not led you to one legislative success after another? And now, that so many of you have, through your own fault, let Me down by losing your seats, the remainder refuses to fight? Cowards!
In response to the other question I received: No, I will not be available to personally lead you into hand-to-hand combat against these Republican swine. It would not be fitting for the Office I hold to be seen engaged in fisticuffs with that rabble. Which is why it is up to you to take care of it for Me, just as you have done My bidding in the past. Now get to it!
Your President for Life,
B. Hussein Obama
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)