From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:
Dear Comrade Citizens,
At the beginning of a new year, I find it helpful to make a to-do list for the upcoming months. Many of you lesser mortals refer to this sort of thing as a "new year's resolution". I refrain from using this sort of terminology as it would tend to imply that I have something to improve upon Myself, which is of course not the case. I have no areas in which I can improve, except for possibly better communicating to you my vast intellectual superiority. Still, I believe this is really your fault, because the fact of the matter is I am simply trying to communicate ideas beyond your limited abilities to comprehend. Still, let's not get all technical here.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
New Year's Advice From Your Sponsor
From the desk of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law:
Dear President Obama,
I must say, I am quite impressed. Following the unfortunate turn of events in your country's mid-term elections, many of the lower downs to whom I answer in this Great Firm were fully convinced that we had "bet on the weak horse", so to speak. There was a growing sense that you were out of time and out of ideas. But lo and behold, you had aces up both sleeves! Your mastery at mustering your forces through the "lame duck" session of Congress was simply brilliant to behold. Truly, our side was amazed, having not seen such tactical brilliance since our man from Austria launched his lightning campaign seven decades ago. In just a few short weeks you gained enormous swaths of territory from our common enemy, simultaneously weakening the resolve of your country's fighting forces and legitimizing the previously stigmatized wretches who dare not speak their love's name. Likewise, your ability to convince your own domestic opposition to lie down before the threat of a renewed menace from Comrade Putin was simply brilliant.
Dear President Obama,
I must say, I am quite impressed. Following the unfortunate turn of events in your country's mid-term elections, many of the lower downs to whom I answer in this Great Firm were fully convinced that we had "bet on the weak horse", so to speak. There was a growing sense that you were out of time and out of ideas. But lo and behold, you had aces up both sleeves! Your mastery at mustering your forces through the "lame duck" session of Congress was simply brilliant to behold. Truly, our side was amazed, having not seen such tactical brilliance since our man from Austria launched his lightning campaign seven decades ago. In just a few short weeks you gained enormous swaths of territory from our common enemy, simultaneously weakening the resolve of your country's fighting forces and legitimizing the previously stigmatized wretches who dare not speak their love's name. Likewise, your ability to convince your own domestic opposition to lie down before the threat of a renewed menace from Comrade Putin was simply brilliant.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
EPA Regulation of CO2 as Greenhouse Gas
From the desk of Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Lisa P. Jackson:
Dear Comrades,
Following the recent, so-called "lame duck" session of Congress, it was our hope that we would see the passage of our much needed cap and trade legislation. However, due to the pressing needs of reducing our missile defense through START and integrating open homosexuality into the military culture, our leaders were unable to find sufficient time to achieve this goal. As a result, we are now faced with a perilous situation which demands our immediate attention.
Dear Comrades,
Following the recent, so-called "lame duck" session of Congress, it was our hope that we would see the passage of our much needed cap and trade legislation. However, due to the pressing needs of reducing our missile defense through START and integrating open homosexuality into the military culture, our leaders were unable to find sufficient time to achieve this goal. As a result, we are now faced with a perilous situation which demands our immediate attention.
Monday, December 27, 2010
President Obama's New Year's Letter to the Troops
From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:
Dear Comrade Service People,
It is My great pleasure to announce to you that I have begun to institute a series of reforms that will greatly enhance the value of the united states armed forces in resolving world conflicts. In the past, the united states military has been a bastion for an unfortunate and unseemly elitism which has taken many forms. The military of this sadly under-educated country has long insisted on maintaining an air of superiority to the rest of the world, insisting that this country is somehow better than others. Yet while maintaining this arrogant posture, the united states military itself has been guilty of the most vile and heinous forms of discrimination, which shows the posturing of its members to be a hypocritical sham. Fortunately I have come along, and with My Great Wisdom have begun to correct the virtually infinite faults of this corrupt military culture.
Dear Comrade Service People,
It is My great pleasure to announce to you that I have begun to institute a series of reforms that will greatly enhance the value of the united states armed forces in resolving world conflicts. In the past, the united states military has been a bastion for an unfortunate and unseemly elitism which has taken many forms. The military of this sadly under-educated country has long insisted on maintaining an air of superiority to the rest of the world, insisting that this country is somehow better than others. Yet while maintaining this arrogant posture, the united states military itself has been guilty of the most vile and heinous forms of discrimination, which shows the posturing of its members to be a hypocritical sham. Fortunately I have come along, and with My Great Wisdom have begun to correct the virtually infinite faults of this corrupt military culture.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Hillary Clinton's Letter to Santa
From the desk of United States Secretary of State Hillary Rodham-Clinton:
Dear Santa Claus,
I am writing you this letter to let you know that I have been very good this year, and as a result am expecting certain rewards in return. In my line of work this is generally referred to as a "quid pro quo" arrangement. While I understand that some people find such arrangements to be unsavory at times my research indicates that this is your standard operating procedure. I of course understand the necessity of such an arrangement (anyone who'd been married to Bill very long would understand it) so please do not think that I am accusing you of anything unsavory.
Dear Santa Claus,
I am writing you this letter to let you know that I have been very good this year, and as a result am expecting certain rewards in return. In my line of work this is generally referred to as a "quid pro quo" arrangement. While I understand that some people find such arrangements to be unsavory at times my research indicates that this is your standard operating procedure. I of course understand the necessity of such an arrangement (anyone who'd been married to Bill very long would understand it) so please do not think that I am accusing you of anything unsavory.
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