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Monday, February 14, 2011

Obama Offers New Budget Proposal

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama

To:  Speaker of the House John Boehner

Dear Johnny,

So, you guys got control of the House (for the time being) and you think you're going to tell Me how things are done?  Well, let's have a little talk.  I'm here to make you an offer you can't refuse.  Specifically, you are going to approve my budget for $3.7 trillion, and you are going to like it, or else there will be consequences.  Not a threat, just a statement of fact.  Let Me point the facts out for you.

Fact one, I'm the President.  I got elected fair and square.  I set the budget because I am The Man.  Now you can whine, whimper and complain all you want, but at the end of the day I AM THE MAN!  Let's say, for example, you try to cut some of My budget.  Do you remember what happened in 1995?  You Republicans thought you were all that and a bag of chips back then, didn't you?  You even had control of the Senate back then.  Well, what good did it do you?  All Clinton had to do was keep vetoing the budget and even Gingrich had to cave.  Face it, if the government gets shut down, nobody is going to blame Me.  Nobody blamed Clinton in '95, nobody will blame Me in '11.  The amerikkkan people will fall for the same old trick every time.  Like the saying goes, there's a sucker born every minute, and if they don't get their monthly checks they'll be blaming you, not Me.

Fact two, I am the Commander in Chief.  If my budget doesn't get passed, it could have consequences for the soldiers that amerikkka has in Iraq and Afghanistan right now.  Suppose funding got cut off for those troops?  Suppose there was no money for supplies, you know, stuff like food, fuel and ammunition.  Well if you don't pass my budget, who do you think is going to be blamed for that?  Not Me, that's for sure.  The New York Times, Washington Post, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS, NBC, National Public Radio and Newsweek Magazine will all make sure the blame gets placed squarely where it belongs.  Do you really think Fox News and talk radio will be able to overcome all that?  Yeah, right.  So when the body bags start coming home by the thousands because amerikkkan troops don't have their supplies, believe you Me the people are going to know who to blame.  They'll blame the tight-fisted Congress that wouldn't approve My budget, that's who.

Fact three, you cannot afford to cut off My spending.  How many of your people represent farming districts?  Districts that need subsidies?  You really think Chuck Grassley is going to tell those farmers in Iowa no more money from Uncle Sugar?  Get real.  You may talk about spending limits, but you need to buy votes just as badly as I do.  And if you cut off My spending it will be your party that takes the blame.  Which is just fine with Me, really, since we both know you'll cave in eventually anyway.

So here's My $3.7 trillion budget.  Sign it and shut up, or get ready to face the consequences.  It's not like there's anything you can do to stop Me anyway.  Look at it this way, at least it will be a good chance to run all those stupid tea-baggers out of your party.  Maybe you can actually start looking a little bit respectable again for a change.  See you at the State of the Union Speech.

Your Superior in All Ways,

President For Life B. Hussein Obama

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