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Sunday, October 31, 2010

President Obama Addresses the Nation After the Election

December 6, 2010

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To the ungrateful citizens of Amerikkka,

I must say, I am thoroughly disappointed in this childish outburst of yours.  Only two short years ago my beautiful wife, Michelle, was finally, for the first time in her life, able to be proud to be a citizen of this country.  Now, in this petulant outburst of an election, you have taken that away from her.  Do you honestly feel good about yourselves today?  As a result of your outburst she will have to spend even more time on the French Riviera, naturally at taxpayer expense.  Yes, I know it's a lot of money, but you brought this on yourselves.  After all, if she cannot be proud of this country, can you really expect her to hang around here and listen to all your constant badgering of Me, her loving Husband?

We really had something good going in this country, and you ruined it.  You had to go and give seventy seats in the House and ten seats in the Senate to those racist, reactionary Republicans.  What on Earth were you thinking?  Do you know what those people are up to right now?  Well neither do I.  I suppose they'll want to shut down health care and kill all the old people first thing.  After that they'll want to cut out all the wonderful stimulus spending that has been the saving force in our economy the last two years.  And on top of all that they are probably going to be holding hearings to investigate the fine work Eric Holder has been doing over at the Department of Justice.  It would be enough to give Me indigestion if I were susceptible to the same ailments as you puny mortals.  This indignity is insufferable.

Already poor Harry Reid looks like the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz.  He's shriveled up to practically nothing, and just wanders around muttering something about "gone with the wind", whatever that means.  I was hoping to at least get some good work out of him in the lame duck session, but he's just gone and quit on me.  At least he's better off than poor Nancy Pelosi.  What I can't believe is that it was our own fellow Democrats that did that to her.  When those seventy Congresspeople found out they had lost their jobs they turned on her like a pack of rabid dingos.  It was like they blamed her for some reason, which is absurd.  Everybody knows this is really the fault of the redneck rubes out there in flyover country who insist on voting Republican.  I've got to get that message across to these people.  Some of them are starting to look at me the same way they did poor Nancy right before they went to town on her like Idi Amin on a missionary.

On top of everything else my staff is deserting me.  At least Gates is still around over at Defense, although I'm never quite sure what he's up to.  I guess I've more or less let him have the run of the place over there while I concentrated on fixing this messed up excuse for a country.  And of course there's still Biden.  Good old Joe, My perfect insurance policy.  Want to get rid of me?  Want to try and take down The Man?  Think you can impeach Me?  Go ahead and try.  What if you get lucky and somehow do get enough votes in the Senate to remove Me?  Then you get President Joe Biden.  Oh yeah, you really, want that, don't you?  Well, I didn't think so.  And people think I'm a rookie.

I see I do have a message here from Bill Clinton.  Something about triangulation, listening to Dick Morris, and letting the government shut down to force Congress to come into line.  Yeah, right, he's definitely angling to try to give Hilary a leg up on Me in 2012.  If there's one thing I know, it's stay with what got you here.  Healthcare, stimulus, bailouts and downsizing the military worked fine for me in 2008.  There's no way I'm giving them up now.  I know how to stick with a winning hand when I have one.

So here's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to stay the course.  Right now you people are just scared and confused, mostly because you can't understand My brilliance.  That's all right, it's not really your fault.  You've been clinging to those Bibles too long and taking them seriously.  That blinds you to accepting My Infinite Wisdom.  Well, we'll just have to wean you off those ridiculous, antique books.  I'll have Holder look into what we can do about that right away.  In the meantime, don't worry.  I'm not going anywhere, and I have a plan.

Giving you a second chance,

President for Life B. Hussein Obama

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Presdient Obama Addresses Attempted Parcel Bomb Attack

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Citizens,

I am pleased to announce to you that our Federal Agencies, under My incomparable guidance, have successfully intercepted a number of bombs sent to this country from Yemen.  These bombs were disguised as normal office supplies, and targeted various houses of worship in this nation.  Their interdiction is a great day for displaying My magnificent mastery of governance.  This attempted attack does, however, raise some questions which I wish to address at this time. 

The greatest question raised is, of course, why do these folks keep trying to blow you up?  I believe I can answer that question, and if you will have the spiritual fortitude to accept my answer, then we can do something about it.  Consider this:  It is a well-known historical fact that prior to the establishment of the illegitimate state of israel in 1948, there was an unblemished historical record of peace and harmony between the Muslim world and western europe for several centuries.  The only instances where this peaceful accord was disturbed was when the barbaric invaders of western europe attacked Muslim lands in the so-called "crusades".  Once again, this was an attempt by europeans, no doubt goaded by jewish bankers, to take the Holy City from the peaceful Muslims who lived there, an attempt which was, thankfully, thwarted by the great hero Saladin. 

To this day the criminal enterprise which calls itself "israel" illegally occupies the homeland of the peaceful and noble Palestinian people.  This illegal occupation, along with the apartheid it has established, has  reduced the once proud Palestinian Muslims to poverty and degradation.  Now think about this:  How can their Brother Muslims sit idly by while this holocaust occurs before their very eyes?  They cannot.  And who has been the biggest supporter of the criminal gangsters who run "israel"?  It has, of course, been the united states of amerikkka.  Citizens of this country, I must warn you, these terrorist attacks are nothing more than your chickens coming home to roost.

Next, I must address our response to this attempted attack.  Many of you out their (especially in the benighted fly-over country) are clamoring for "justice" or even "vengeance".  Well, vengeance is Mine, and I think I will hold of on it for now.  After all, what would the result of such "vengeance" be, anyway?  If we arrest, assassinate or execute an extremist who is simply trying to secure freedom for his Muslim brethren, we will only make him a martyr.  He will get to go straight to Heaven to enjoy his seventy-two virgins, and more extremists will come to his cause.  The fact is that by using violence we will only bring about more violence.  Hence, you people of Amerikkka must learn to peacefully accept these attacks when they come upon you.  By doing that you will avoid creating even more extremists.  And anyway, it's really just your chickens coming home to roost. 

Now, one other thought on this matter.  A large number of you have been protesting this "ground-zero" Mosque.  I can think of nothing that would create more extremists carrying out more attacks on this country than trying to block the building of a Mosque dedicated to nothing more than the peaceful unity and harmony of all the peoples of Allah (peace be upon His name).  Perhaps you should consider whether it is your own attacks upon the building of this Great Mosque that have brought about this return attack as retribution.  You might even call it your chickens coming home to roost.  And if these protests are the cause of extremist bombings, then maybe I should have Janet Napalitano look into closing those protests down for the sake of public safety.  After all, you cannot go around shouting "fire" in a crowded theater. 

So for now, please try to remember not to create any more chickens that will need a roosting place, and learn to let go of your misguided notions of justice and vengeance. 

Your President for Life,

B. Hussein Obama

Friday, October 29, 2010

Michael Steele on 2012

From the desk of Republican National Committee Chairperson Michael Steele:

My Fellow Republicans,

I believe it behooves us at this juncture to ponder our future. With the mid-term elections now just a few short days away, our internal polling suggests that there is an off-chance that we may actually take at least one house of Congress. I must confess, no one is more surprised by this turn of events than myself. As you are all well aware we are not yet ready to govern, yet it seems the reigns of authority are about to be thrust into our unwilling hands. Thus we should consider what we will do with the aforementioned reigns.

I believe it is of the utmost importance that we not govern in an irresponsible fashion which might alarm the people of this nation. Nothing could dim our future prospects more than to seek out unnecessary confrontations with our Democratic colleagues, and especially with our noble and ever-popular president. It is our responsibility to find ways to compromise with our President and thus provide a model of good governance, which will then show the people of this country that we can indeed be trusted with governing powers. Above all, me must avoid confrontations with our Democratic friends, as this will only increase the problems of partisanship which have embroiled our nation of late. By showing a willingness to compromise, and even capitulate, we will demonstrate that we are the better people.

That being said, I know some of you are concerned about incoming Congresspeople and Senators who may be members of the "Tea Party" movement. I too have noticed that they do indeed possess an unnecessarily pugnacious attitude. Might I suggest a course of action in dealing with these individuals? Let us invite them to soirees, dinners, fetes and all manner of fabulous entertainments afforded to us in this fair city. Once they learn that it really is possible for them to be well-liked here if they will only tone down the rhetoric and ease up on the fighting then surely they will learn to get along with our Democrat friends. I know it's worked for the rest of us.

Now as to the matter of 2012. We need a candidate who will not disturb the electorate. We need a candidate who will not make waves or rock the boat. We need a candidate who knows how to play the game here in D.C. so that he can actually get things done. We need a candidate who knows how to compromise and reach across the aisle. We need a candidate who understands that Republicans aren't really ready to govern, and so will allow the bureaucrats to run the show for us. I think you know who I mean. C'est moi, c'est moi! And just think, by voting for me you can show that America is finally a post-racial society and you aren't a bigot. What could go wrong?


Republican National Committee Chairperson Michael Steele

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Karl Rove on endorsements

From the desk of Karl Rove:

Dear Fellow Republicans,

I wanted to take this opportunity to talk to you about those candidates whom we should not support with our PAC money, personal contributions and party funds.  There is a certain type of candidate that we need to pay special attention to in this regard, as they have grown in number and prestige of late and could pose a genuine threat to the future of the Republican party.

I am, of course, referring to attractive, conservative women.  The Republican party has no business recruiting, endorsing or nominating attractive, conservative women to run for political office, and if we continue to do so it will only lead to our complete dissolution as a national power.  We need to reverse course on this problem and instead select and nominate candidates with gravitas, the one characteristic that can unite voters across this country.

Take, for example, that witchy woman O'Donnell in Delaware.  Sure, she's cute, and that's the problem.  Who can take a nice looking woman seriously?  I know I certainly can't.  Let's face it, you look at her, see a pretty face and a pleasant figure, and right away you know there can't be anything going on upstairs.  Believe me, this is how real men think when they head to the polls.  For that matter, it's how women think also.  How on Earth are we ever going to close the gender gap with the Democrats if we nominate attractive women?  Everyone knows women won't vote for other women.

Another prime example is that Tea-bagger kook Sarah Palin.  I mean honestly, she's good looking, but you know she's not as smart as, say, somebody like me.  Okay, I know that unlike me she actually has a college degree, but that's beside the point.  The point is, she doesn't have the same sort of gravitas that a true Republican candidate needs to win high office.  Now she's got herself a reality television show about Alaska.  Is this what we Republicans have come to?  Since when do we treat a (soon to be failed) actor as Presidential timber?  Okay, I know what you're thinking, but he was a man, so that's different. 

I remember some of our great Republican men, true men of gravitas, who inspired me in the Republican party.  I remember Gerald Ford, Bob Dole and John McCain, all men of gravitas.  These are the kind of men who have literally spent decades paying their dues in D.C., who know how the game is played, who have all the right connections in both parties and the Beltway.  These are the kinds of candidates we need to win back the White House!  Not some dumb bimbo like Palin.  After all, just look at that figure, and at her age!  There's no way a woman that good looking has anything going on between the ears.  We need men like Mike Castle and Lindsey Graham, who know how to present themselves in public.  Honestly, what are those women thinking, anyway?

As a side note, some of my "friends" have started accusing me of having a "problem" with women of late.  Well, I can assure you that is not the case.  Why, some of my best friends are women!  And contrary to what some of you wags have been saying, the fact that my wife of twenty-four years just dumped me has nothing to do with my recent statements on attractive, conservative women.

Sincerely not a misogynist,

Karl Rove

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Obama decides to punish his enemies

New item:  Obama calls on "Latinos" to "punish our enemies":

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Loyal Democrats,

As you know, I have called upon our Latino comrades to punish My enemies, an idea that occurred to Me after a private screening of the wonderful film Machete at the "White" House the other day.  Seeing all those miserable, racist, Republican gringos hacked to death really gave Me a good feeling.  The zeal with which the hero punished his enemies, along with his creative use of torture and edged blades, really got Me thinking about what we need to do to win this election.  We have to punish My enemies.

So, here's where we start.  First of all, you Latinos (and Latinas, of course) need to punish your enemies.  Your people on the South side of the illegitimate border have already shown you how to do it.  Machine gun and grenade attacks on police stations, police officers decapitated, mayors and governors gunned down in front of their families, etc.  Yes, you Latinos really know how to punish your enemies.  Why haven't you stopped to think about moving your action a little further North?  After all, I can guarantee the U.S. Department of Justice, which controls our Federales, is not going to get involved.  Haven't you heard about the New Black Panthers?  Remember, people are not illegal!  You didn't move, the border moved!  There's a certain governor in Arizona, as well as a certain sheriff, who could use a little punishment.  You know what I mean.  Ask Robert Rodriguez if you have any questions.

Now, to My Muslim Brothers.  You have been maligned and persecuted by this country even before the events of 9/11.  The United States has been a constant supporter of the illegitimate, illegal, Zionist state that occupies the land of our Palestinian Brethren.  Why do you tolerate this?  You don't even have to resort to violence.  Just show up at some heavily Republican precincts in your traditional garb on voting day and have a loud "pray in".  Maybe have a few of your vans there with tinted windows.  I guarantee you those Republicans will decide they have better things to do than come down and vote.  Do you want Me to be able to keep My current plan for Israel on track?  Do you want Me to be able to continue to protect Our Brethren in Iran?  Then get out there and punish our enemies!

To the LBGTQ crowd out there I say this:  Punish your enemies!  Why do you just sit around letting these "Christians" slander you in their "churches"?  Don't you know that gay marriage is a political issue?  Don't you know that the IRS prohibits churches from preaching on political issues?  Get out there and file some complaints!  I can personally guarantee you that you will have a willing ear from Tim Geithner's people.  I believe the DOJ can be on board to help out with some anti-discrimination lawsuits as well.  For that matter, if you want to disrupt those "Christians'" worship services, well, don't you have a longstanding history of civil disobedience in this country?  Let them learn tolerance if they want to worship in peace.  That's right, no justice, no peace.  Punish your enemies!

Finally, to my beloved African-American community, I say this.  Have you learned nothing from the New Black Panther case?  Get to the polling place and vote!  After that, stay outside with a billy club and make sure only the right people come inside to vote.  You know who I'm talking about.  If you like having a couple of Black Men finally in charge of this country, then you had better fight to keep it that way, because I guarantee that your white enemies can't wait to take that away from you.  So get your uniforms, your billy clubs and your friends, get out to the polling places, and punish your enemies!

Yes, We Can!  We Can Punish Our Enemies!  We hope for a new day when we punish My enemies and change Amerikkka into a nation just like the rest of the world.  We are the ones we have been waiting for, and we will punish the rest of you.

Your President for Life,

B. Hussein Obama

Alan Grayson's path to re-election

From the desk of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law

To: Congressman Alan Grayson

Dear Congressman Grayson,

Well, it seems your having a bit of trouble here. Nothing like a "Daniel Webster" to give a devil his due, is there? All right, let me explain a few things to you here.

First of all, as to what you are doing right: You have been masterful at following our firm's recommendation concerning false witness. Your "Taliban Dan" ad was quite simply one of our favorite pieces ever, right up there with Tom Cruise in "A Few Good Men" (because we loved seeing a lawyer show up those stupid Marines). But I digress. What you need is MORE of the same. You need MORE Taliban Dan ads, more ads explaining that Republicans want old people to die quickly (I LOVE the irony of using that while you are the one actually voting to cut Medicare and install death panels! Brilliant!) and so forth. What you need then is more money. But isn't that always the case? Well, of course we can help.

We here at the firm have been in contact with our sister organization, the George Soros Foundation. We can assure you all the funding you need to continue your great work of bearing false witness to ensure that religious fanatic you are running against is both defeated and defamed. But we'll need a little something from you first. Not your soul, obviously. We've got that already, per our previous agreements. No, a little something else. But let's come back to that in a minute.

You still have room for improvement as a Congressman. Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but you can become even better. I see in your rhetorical style, with it's bombastic flourishes and appeal to the masses, along with its disregard for such irrelevancies as facts, a reminder of one of my all time favorites, Il Duce. I think you could really be just like him. There's just a couple of little steps you need to take.

You may have noticed that back in the good old days of the 1930s, Our Candidates weren't afraid to get their hands dirty. They weren't afraid of a good rumble every now and then to get their point across to the people. Already I see our seed has been sown in Kentucky amongst those on both sides. What about it Congressman, are you up to the task? You have always seemed to us to be just the sort of guy who would know how to "take it to the street".

If you are willing to use Strife, one of our favorite tools, in its most literal sense, then we believe you can still win this election. We will be happy to provide plenty of troops from the SEIU (Don't you just love the purple shirts? So much nicer than brown or black.) and funding from Soros.

Now as to that one little thing we will need? Well, you have shown no hesitancy to back our death panels, to slander your opponents, to use lawfare against your critics or to hasten the death of the unborn. So we need to see you with a little blood on your hands Alan. Not metaphorically or metaphysically, but real, true, blood. Because we've seen your actions, listened to your speeches, and know what's in your heart. We know this is what you really want. So just go ahead and do it, and all we can offer will be yours. After all, that Webster clown has it coming anyway.

Your friend in wrath,

D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

DNC issues new election strategy to candidates

From the desk of Democratic National Committee Chair Tim Kaine:

Dear Candidates,

I have been hearing from you quite a bit here lately concerning the upcoming election and your legitimate concerns about your job prospects.  I understand that many of you are especially worried as you have no marketable job skills outside the District of Columbia.  Allow me to be the first to say that I feel your pain.  We here at the DNC have conducted extensive polling the last few weeks, and have come up with a few suggestions which may help many of you to retain your seats (and careers) in these trying times.  Please review these suggestions, and be aware that even as I prepare this memo the DNC is cutting television, television, and internet ads and preparing mailers and fliers using this material.  Our  polling research suggests that if you use this material immediately you may improve your generic numbers among likely voter models by up to twenty-percent.  I realize this will still be insufficient for some of you (sorry Blanche Lincoln) but we are doing the best we can.  Here is our recommended material and approach:

Dear Constituents,

I (insert candidate name here) want you to be aware that I share your concerns over the growing crisis of federal debt, out-of-control bailouts for corporate cronies, the de-funding of Medicare and the loss of freedom we see in Obamacare.  I want you to know that although I am a Democrat and at one time supported President Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid, I have seen the error of my ways.  I now realize that it is of paramount importance that we change the direction of this country immediately.  That being said, I (insert candidate name here) am prepared to take the following steps:

1) (For House Candidates) I promise to vote against Nancy Pelosi for Speaker of the House.  I promise to never speak to her again for any reason whatsoever.  I promise to throw water on her to see if she really will melt, like in that cool YouTube ad.  I promise to have my staffers beat up her staffers on a regular basis.  I promise to vote to revoke Nancy Pelosi's citizenship.  Furthermore, I promise that if re-elected, I will immediately switch my party affiliation to Republican, vote to extend the Bush tax cuts, and repeal Obamacare.  I will join the Tea Party movement and never again call it a bad name.  I will do whatever you want if you re-elect me.  I have seen the error of my ways and recant all my sins.  I was deceived by the temptress Pelosi and the serpent Obama.  If you will re-elect me I will work with all my might to cast them down into perdition.  My name is (insert candidate name here) and I approve this message.

2) (For Senate Candidates) I promise to vote against Harry Reid for Senate Majority Leader.  I promise that on the off-chance he is re-elected I will beat him with a rolled up newspaper while screaming "bad dog" any time I see him shuffling down the halls of the Senate.  I promise to vote to bury Harry Reid under Yucca Mountain.  Furthermore, I promise that if re-elected, I will immediately switch my party affiliation to Republican, vote to extend the Bush tax cuts, and repeal Obamacare.  I will join the Tea Party movement and never again call it a bad name.  I will do whatever you want if you re-elect me.  I have seen the error of my ways and recant all my sins.  I was deceived by the temptress Hilary Clinton and the serpent Obama.  If you will re-elect me I will work with all my might to cast them down into perdition.  My name is (insert candidate name here) and I approve this message.

3) (For All Candidates)  We want you, the People of America to know that we, the denizens of Congress and the Senate, were every bit as deceived by B. Hussein Obama as you were.  We promise not to hold it against you if you won't hold it against us.  We promise to vote to impeach Obama, Pelosi and Reid.  We will never make this mistake again.  Take us back and we will really, truly, represent you and uphold the Constitution this time.  We were wrong and we admit it.  Please give us a second chance.  After all, doesn't every one really deserve a second chance?

Okay, once your voters bite on this message, most of you should be able to get yourselves re-elected.  I have checked with our attorneys, and they assure you that any and all promises made while campaigning for public office are non-binding and non-enforceable, so you won't really have to do any of this stuff.  Just get enough of those Tea-bagger, bitter-clinger rubes out there in flyover land to believe that you will, and re-election should be in the bag.  Face it, this should be a cinch for you guys.  Your used to telling them whatever they want to hear to get yourself a seat here in D.C.  It's always worked before, so there's no reason to think that it won't work this time.  And seriously, maybe we really can get rid of Pelosi.  I'm thinking Frank or Rangel might fill out diversity quotient up a little bit better as the next Speaker.

Looking forward to victory in 2010,

Democratic National Committee Chair Tim Kaine

Monday, October 25, 2010

Obama says Republicans to be relegated to "back seat"

News item:  Obama says Republicans to be relegated to the "back seat".


From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama

Dear Voters,

As you are aware, just a couple of weeks ago I stated that Republicans will be relegated to the back of the bus.  As you are aware, there are certain strong cultural connotations to that particular rhetoric.  While some has suggested I misspoke, let Me assure you that what I said was indeed on My teleprompter, and hence exactly what I meant to say.  Republicans are to be relegated to the back of the bus.

Obviously, by Republicans, I mean everyone who just voted in yesterday's election.  Following the Republicans' pick up of sixty-five house seats and eleven senate seats, along with their fifty-six per cent of the popular vote, it is clear to Me that many of you have foolishly chosen to disregard My warnings to you in this matter, and must now be relegated to second-class, back of the bus citizen status. 

First of all, as to those of you in the military.  I am your commander in chief.  That means I give orders and you follow them.  Unfortunately, of those of you who somehow managed to get your grasping hands on a ballot (despite Eric Holder's best efforts; I am going to have to have a word with him about letting so many military ballots be mailed out) voted for Republicans by a three-to-one margin.  I am hereby issuing an executive order making those votes a retroactive violation of the UCMJ.  Please be aware that I am quite capable of tracking your votes, especially those of you who voted online.  Courts martial will be convening soon to handle this matter.  I suggest you accept any plea deal granted with you and testify against your misguided comrades.  Remember, naming names will save your own skin.

Now, concerning those states which turned "red" this election cycle:  I will be issuing executive orders shortly suspending all highway funds, education funds, Medicare and Medicaid funds and other Federal disbursements to your states.  You want austerity, I'll give you austerity.  In the meantime, please be aware that your full customary tax receipts will still be due to the Federal government.  At least I'll have plenty of extra money to send to my good friend in California, the newly elected Jerry Brown, to bail out his state. 

Now to all of you bourgeoise pigs who insisted on voting out My people will have a little surprise.  Nancy and Harry have already agreed to My plan for their lame duck session.  They will immediately pass my deficit reduction committee's plan for balancing the budget by 2015.  You may look forward to the immediate revocation of the Bush tax cuts, the revocation of your precious child tax credits, the revocation of your mortgage interest deduction, the revocation of pre-tax deductions for health insurance, and a forty-five per cent decrease in defense spending.  So laugh it up.  All of this falls under "budgetary" items, so your pathetic Republicans in the Senate now can't even filibuster.  My signature will be on these items before you can finish your post-election party clean up.  Let Me know how you like the back of My bus.

Finally, I am issuing an executive order declaring the Tea-bagger movement a conspiracy to overthrow the Federal government.  You can soon look forward to a lengthy visit from the officers I am assigning to Janet Napalitano's office.  This order will make participation in, association with, and direct or indirect support for the Tea-baggers, their movement, their causes and their candidates a retroactive Class B Federal Felony.  Ah yes, it seems the back of the bus looks an awful lot like the inside of a penitentiary, doesn't it?  Well, you were warned.  You have no one to blame but yourselves. 

In the meantime, please be advised that Executive Clemency papers are available for a donation of $5,000.00 each to the DNC and my personal re-election fund.  Full pardons are available for double that amount.  I look forward to seeing your check in My hand soon.


President for Life B. Hussein Obama

Obama Health Czar's Budget Cutting Plan

From the desk of Center for Unified Universal Health Services Czar Donald Berwick:

Dear Staff,

Since the implementation of my Triple Action Plan we have begun to see some reduction in costs and a more efficient delivery system for health care. Unfortunately, we still have not reached the level of efficiency needed to meet our short or long term goals in savings. Hence I would like to implement the following changes to our triage system:

1. Incentives. Many relatives of long-term patients who are unlikely to recover are holding up the process of end of life procedures through such as meddling as lawsuits, pickets, and even direct interference with medical professionals attempting to provide compassionate end of life medications. I would suggest that it would be cost-effective to provide incentives to the patient's legal guardian to "go along" with the process in these instances. For example, if long term care is running at $3500.00 per day, a one time cash payment of that amount to the legal guardian might convince them that termination of services really is the best option for the patient. Paying the $3500.00 on a one-time basis to make the family go away is certainly less expensive than paying it for the average of twenty-three days that many of these patients loiter around clogging up our facilities. As a side note, under our new power to enable and enforce guardianship orders, if the current guardian is still unwilling to co-operate, we can simply designate another relative, or social worker if need be, as the patient's guardian. This will be in the best interest of all involved.

2. Dealing with "super bugs". There are a number of new bacteria out there highly resistant to all of our current antibiotics. While this was initially a concern for many of our doctors and nurses, some of our new health professionals from end of life services have found a way to "make lemonade out of lemons", so to speak. They have suggested the surreptitious introduction of these bacterium into our long-term care wards, to clear things out, to use a vulgar but understandable phrase. Patients who are infected with an incurable, flesh-eating bacteria should also be much more amenable to end of life compassion services. We will be shipping vials of the necessary bacterium nationwide beginning next week.

3. Triage, triage, triage. Let's understand something people. There is a time when true compassion is letting go. This time is when dealing with the very old, the very young, the infirm and the weak. We need to get back to practicing medicine the natural way. In nature it's the very old and very young, the weak and the infirm, that pay the price for the rest of the herd. We should learn from this. We need more natural medicine. Triage will save us money.

4. Please remember to make reference to your affirmative action in quality care cards when making your triage decisions. We need to remember that certain racial groups have, in the past, unfairly exploited the resources of others to gain what should have been unaffordable health care for themselves. This must end. Historically under-served races should now be given first preference. Additionally, historically under-served groups should be given preference in our limited medical resources. Thus, homosexuals should be given first preference at treatment, especially as they do not insist on over-burdening our system by constantly churning out new pediatric services consumers.

5. Elimination of pediatric services. This one has been highly controversial, and, as you know, unpopular in many quarters, but it is essential. Face it, if they can breed one pediatric unit, the parents can squeeze out another. We just cannot afford the prices for these little parasites. The romantic notions held by too many of our populace about health care for pediatric consumers must be set aside for the greater good. They are simply too expensive for the benefits they provide.

I hope these guidelines have been helpful. I am certain that if we implement them immediately we can achieve our savings goals. And remember, under our new executive orders, you can always refuse services to one of those awful tea-baggers.


Center for Unified Universal Health Services Czar Donald Berwick

Sunday, October 24, 2010

CAIR Responds to Fox News Hiring of Juan Williams

From the desk of CAIR Executive Director Nihad Awad:

Dear Mr. Murdoch,

It is with great displeasure that I have received the news that you infidel dogs at Fox News have hired that Islamophobic son of a jackal Juan Williams to serve as a mouthpiece for your vile propaganda against the Holy Prophet (peace be upon his name) and Allah.  Now I have learned that not only did you hire that craven spawn of a goat to spew forth his bigoted bile upon your network, you actually provided him with a considerable increase in his remuneration for his blasphemous bloviations.  I must admit that I find it incredible that even such a hell-spawned son of a monkey as yourself would provide this simpering dog with a two-million dollar contract, especially in the midst of this Great Recession with which Allah (peace be upon his name too) has so justly cursed your heathen nation.

Why have you failed to learn the lesson of Comedy Central?  Those misbegotten children of  serpentine harlots recognized the error of their feeble imaginations and repented and renounced their intention to blasphemously portray our Most Holy Prophet (peace be upon his name again) in their insipid animation.  Likewise, that jewess, she-dog harlot who runs NPR was grateful for the chance to justly humiliate herself before our demands, and no doubt will make a fine dhimmi until the day she is rewarded by her just stoning.  Doubtless she will humbly prostrate herself before our mighty blows, knowing that is her rightful judgment for having the temerity to be born a jew and then show her uncovered head in public. 

But no, you had to go and multiply your transgressions against the Most Holy Prophet (another piece of peace upon his name) and Allah (yeah, more peace for him as also) by providing employment to that baboon Juan Williams.  Beware, infidel, for your judgment is at hand!  We are prepared to file lawsuits against you in Great Britain, Brussels, Amsterdam and The People's Court (we really miss Judge Wapner).  We will sue you in every jurisdiction on the entire globe.  We will obtain judgments against you from our brethren with the Somali Maritime Law League.  Allah (alright, more peace on his name already) will deliver you into the hands of our invincible law brigades. 

Soon you will join that harlot Molly Ivins in exile, hiding your miserable face and cursed name, but the servants of the Most Holy Prophet (peace cubed plus infinity upon his name) will find you wherever you go.  We will sue you and sue you and sue you some more.  We will bury you alive under a mountain of subpoenas.  Your doom is assured.  Allah (many more pieces of peace upon his name) has decreed it, so shall it be. 

On the other hand, if you find it preferable, you could simply hire me and a couple of my friends as Fox News Contributors.  We will be happy to work for a contract only slightly larger than the one you have provided to that bigot Juan Williams.  In addition, we require that all food in the green room be halal, and that your hot anchor babes appear along with us in harem girl outfits.  Remember, it's either this or the Wrath of Allah (peace, dude! upon his name). 


CAIR Executive Director Nihad Awad

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Eric Holder appoints a new Federal Marshal to ensure voter protection

From the desk of Attorney General Eric Holder:

To: John F. Clark, Director, U.S. Marshal Service

Dear Mr. Clark,

Of late there has been considerable discussion over the matter of voter intimidation at certain polling places, as well as the responsibility of the Department of Justice to protect voters.  As there seems to have been some confusion about our responsibilities and policies in this area, I am sending you this memo in order to make sure you are fully aware of your department's responsibilities in this matter. 

As Assistant Attorney General King has already indicated to you, it is NOT your responsibility to ensure free access to polling places for persons of European or Asian descent.  In certain instances, such as the matter of undocumented aliens, you should work to protect the voting rights of Hispanics.  Finally, in all instances you must ensure the voting rights of African Americans.  Please make sure that your subordinates are aware that any deviation from these guidelines is grounds for immediate dismissal.  As Ms. King has previously stated, there are now two black men running this country.  Any polling practices which might change this are unacceptable, and of course prima facia evidence of Racism, which is grounds for immediate termination and subsequent criminal prosecution. 

Some of your subordinates have apparently been questioning what they mistakenly believe to be an "unequal" enforcement of the laws concerning voter protection.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  These laws are being enforced EXACTLY as they were intended.  These laws were passed to protect African Americans and disenfranchised Hispanics from their caucasian oppressors.  It was never the intent of these laws to provide any protection to caucasians.  The fact of the matter is that caucasians already constitute a majority of this country's population, and as such are not capable of being discriminated against, nor of having their rights infringed.  Only minorities such as African Americans are in need of legal protection in these matters.  As African Americans are an oppressed minority, they are not capable of true racism.  In point of fact, any anger which they may feel towards caucasians is completely justified; and any actions they may take as a result, including minor altercations at polling places, are not significant enough in their impact on the electorate as a whole to constitute a breach of Federal protections. 

In order to help you with this matter I am providing you with some extra manpower.  As of today I am appointing a Mr. King Samir Shabazz as the U.S. Marshal for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania.  Mr. Shabazz has extensive experience working as a poll watcher on behalf of the Democratic Party, and is well acquainted with various riot-control tools.  Mr. Shabazz will personally ensure that there are not polling practices which conflict with the policies of the U.S. Department of Justice in this district.  Mr. Shabazz has, furthermore, been good enough to provide me with a list of individuals with whom he is well-acquainted who will make excellent Marshals for this purpose to serve in other areas of the country.  Please be advised that Our Great President for Life has already reviewed and approved of this plan, and that I am appointing these individuals directly per my authority as Attorney General.  Also please be aware that you will not need to contact these individuals, as we have set up a system whereby they may report directly to myself.  This will, of course, streamline your agency's operations and thus clear up plenty of time for you to find other things to look into.

Once again, please make it clear to your subordinates that their complete adherence to this policy is required at all times.  Please make them aware that they are to render whatever services and aid required by Mr. Shabazz and his associates.  Adherence to this policy is of the utmost importance, for only by complete obedience to these directives may we reach a day when we have true racial unity in this nation.  As a side note, if Mr. Shabazz says anything to you about "killing white infants in their cribs", please remind him to take his medication as scheduled.  He does sometimes forget.

Thank you for your complete co-operation,

Attorney General Eric Holder

Friday, October 22, 2010

Harry Reid Saves the World

"but for me, we'd be in a world-wide depression." -Harry Reid

From the desk of Senator Harry Reid:

Dear Constituents,

As we come up on election day 2010, there are a number of issues I would like you to think about, and many that I think you should put out of your minds completely.

First of all, I realize that Nevada has the highest unemployment rate in the United States, and that Las Vegas unemployment is at a record high.  Please put this out of your mind.  Instead, consider the following:  If it were not for me, Nevada would have the highest unemployment in the world.  That's right, but for my beneficial legislation from the Senate, the unemployment rate in the great state of Nevada would be worse than Somalia, Ethiopia or Sudan.  Do you want to live in a place like Ethiopia?  If not, then you had better vote for me.  Otherwise I will not be able to continue to protect you from the bad choices you would make if left to your own devices.  Vote for that crazy tea-bagger Angle and you might as well move to Angola, because that's how this state will end up.

Now I recognize that my blocking the nuclear waste storage facilities at Yucca Mountain have cost this state a large number of jobs, as well as any number of Federal tax benefits.  I know many of you would like to have high-paying jobs associated with such a project.  Well, put that out of your mind.  Instead, think about this.  I am working to expand our already proud tradition of legalized prostitution in Nevada.  I am having direct rail lines built here from Los Angeles, San Diego, and of course Salt Lake City as well as many other cities.  Soon we will have a booming sex industry here, with jobs for all.  Your daughters and wives will never have to be unemployed again.  Now that some of our brothels are offering male "services" your sons should be able to have fine careers as well.  It's my high-speed rails to hookers program, and it's our future.

I also want you to know that if not for me, there would have been hundreds, possibly even thousands of catastrophic terrorist attacks on this country.  It is a little-known fact that when not working in the Senate I am actually a CIA ninja, leading Delta Force commando squads to root out Al-Qaida cells around the globe.  Although that ingrate General Petraeus doesn't like to publicly admit it, I was single-handedly responsible for the success of his surge strategy in Iraq.  It was almost embarrassing how I had to keep convincing him we could win even though he wanted to give up.  That's right, if not for me we would have lost the Iraq war AND been conquered by Osama Bin Laden.

I also think you should know that I created the internet.  That's right, the vast computer network that enables the business transactions and social interactions which make your lives worth living is my creation.  I also gave Microsoft the source code for their famous Windows program as a humanitarian gesture, and since I couldn't profit from it while serving in the Senate anyway.

Additionally, I was the one who convinced John F. Kennedy that the United States could go to the moon.  Without my backing and brilliance NASA would never have existed.  I also discovered penicillin, which was a true savior for one of our top industries here in Nevada.  If you have a loved one who has survived cancer, I was the one who developed the treatment that saved their lives.  I built the Hoover Dam by myself. 

Not to brag, but I was personally responsible for Frodo Baggins casting the One Ring into Mount Doom.  I instructed Luke Skywalker in how to use the force to defeat Darth Vader.  I personally blew up both Death Stars.  I discovered the Northwest Passage and made the Louisiana Purchase.  I wrote and signed the Emancipation Proclamation.  I won the BCS championship in football ALL BY MYSELF.  I am tougher than Chuck Norris and smarter than Steven Hawking.  I am better looking than your dream girl and a better cook than your momma. 

So, as you can see, you have every reason in the world to vote for me.  You are besieged by innumerable problems, and quite frankly you cannot possibly solve these problems yourselves.  You need someone to guide you.  You need someone to tell you what to do.  You need someone to MAKE you do it if necessary.  You need Harry Reid, because only I can save the world.  That's the reason I was sent here from Planet Krypton.


Senator Harry Reid

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Vivian Schiller addresses NPR employees on covering Islam

From the desk of National Public Radio President and CEO Vivian Schiller:

Dear Comrades,

Many of you have expressed dismay and disagreement in response to my decision to terminate the employment of our former news analyst Juan Williams following his recent mental breakdown.  Although none of you have approached me directly about this matter, I know this is the case thanks to our recently installed security microphones in the break room, as well as the employment contracts you signed allowing me access to your personal e-mail accounts, cell-phone communications and home phone lines. 

First of all, let me stress that my training in journalistic ethics is far higher than that achieved by anyone else in this organization.  I trained in the good old days when "Russia" was still the Mighty and Enlightened Soviet Union.  When I trained in the Soviet Union, they really knew how to run a press.  The Glorious People's Newspaper, Pravda was a sterling example of journalism as it should be for the entire world.  For those of you who are too ignorant to know, "Pravda" means "Truth" in the beautiful Russian language, as a result of which the proletariat of the Great Soviet Society always knew what they were reading was indeed the real truth. 

After studying in the Soviet Union I found a home in the United States working for the New York Times, which, to my amazement, was actually able to match Pravda's commitment to truth and excellence in journalistic exposure of the bourgeoisie war-mongers who run this degraded and perverse capitalist society.  Having properly learned True Journalism from two such impeccable sources, I was properly prepared to assume the helm here at NPR.

Now, as to poor Juan.  After viewing his rambling and paranoid discourse on Fox News, which exhibited ALL the main tendencies of sluggishly progressive schizophrenia, it became clear to me that nothing would have benefited him more than an extended stay at the old psikhushka in Kazan, with a full round of treatments provided by the premier medical staff of the MVD.  Unfortunately the Great Soviet Union is no longer in place, and while I look forward to the day Obamacare can establish a similar system in this country, it has not yet come.  Thus, since I could not arrange for proper treatment for poor Juan I had to terminate his employment immediately, as all the best Soviet research has shown that sluggishly progressive schizophrenia is a highly contagious disease. 

Juan's case followed the classic symptoms first of all in his paranoia.  Quite frankly, anyone who harbors doubts, even small ones, to himself about flying with adherents of the Religion of Peace, is obviously disturbed.  All of our leaders, from both parties, have repeatedly stated that Islam is a Religion of Peace.  Had Juan studied in the Soviet Union as extensively as I have, he would have understood that it was not his place to question his leaders.  Instead, he should have accepted their wise counsel and settled his uneasy thoughts away.  That he was unable to do so, and that he further expressed such thoughts, was proof that his disease was progressing at an alarming rate.

Furthermore, Juan persisted in pursuing some ridiculous struggle for "truth and justice".  He insisted on appearing on a "fair and balanced" news network run by a capitalist pig.  He actually questioned the truths that we here at NPR hold so dear.  Comrades, these are the classic symptoms of sluggishly progressive schizophrenia.  Had I not removed Juan when I did, many more of you might already be infected!  Remember, it is not your place to seek "truth and justice".  If you want to know the truth, ask me, or listen to the words of Our Great Leader Obama.  If you seek justice, then do as I tell you and follow the dictates of Our Great Leader Obama.  All else is the road to madness and unemployment. 

Comrades, I hope this unfortunate incident has served as a good lesson for all of you.  Remember your place and your duty.  Remember that your freedom comes from doing the work of Our Great Leader Obama.  Do not question Him, do not question me, and do not question The Holy Prophet of Islam.  Do this and all will be well for you.  Fail in this and you will join Juan on the unemployment line. 

Your Fellow Traveler,

Vivian Schiller, President and CEO of National Public Radio

Jack Conway is a Devil Worshiper

From the desk of Kentucky Attorney General Jack Conway:

Dear Kentucky Voters,

I would like to take a few brief moments to address the concerns that have arisen over my having been a devil worshiper. There are a few mitigating circumstances I would like to point out to you that I believe will make all the difference.

First of all, my devil worship took place during my college years at Duke University. I believe we can all agree that ALMOST anything can be forgiven if you did it at college. The one exception, of course, would be worshiping an Aqua Buddha. Worshiping a Blue Devil is okay while you're in college, worshiping an Aqua Buddha is unforgivable. Please bear that in mind as you head to the voting booth.

Some wags have also noted that to this day I still proclaim my loyalty to the Blue Devils (not to be confused with Aqua Buddhas) of Duke University. Well, you really need to understand, there is a big social network of Duke graduates out there, fellow travelers in youthful Devil worship, if you will, and it's important I keep in contact with them for professional purposes. And yes, I do sing the Duke Alma Mater, which does pledge my unending worship and loyalty to the Blue Devils. But what can I say? You have to be true to your school.

Seriously people, you know the whole "Blue Devil" thing is just a college gag, right? It's not something serious and anti-Christian like, say, an Aqua-Buddha. Remember, Blue Devil good, Aqua Buddha bad.

Finally, as to the last rumor out there: If the top basketball prospects in the state of Kentucky want to go to Duke instead of the UK, that's their business. So what if a sitting senator helps them to make up their minds that way? After all, you've got to be true to your school. Remember, Blue Devils good, Aqua Buddha and Wildcats bad.


Future Senator and Current Devil Worshiper Jack Conway

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

NAACP releases report on Tea Party

From the desk of NAACP Honcho Benjamin Todd Jealous:

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I want to give you a proper summary of our extensively researched and documented study of the so-called "Tea-Party" movement, more properly known by their correct name, the Tea-baggers.  Please make yourselves familiar with these findings, and make sure the word gets out.  We can't let these Tea-baggers take Our Great Messiah Obama down.

We know the "majority" of the Tea-bagger party-people are sincere, principled people who have good will towards those who look and talk just like they do.  But really, do these facts excuse the odious racism that constantly emanates from these dirty crackers to befoul our sensitive nostrils?  So what if they are sincere?  Weren't those Jews who killed Jesus sincere?  You bet they were.  Did their sincerity make Him any less dead?  Well?  And so what if they have principles?  Principles can be evil.  Some of the principles that those Tea-baggers embrace would include racism, homophobia, islamophobia, misogyny and probably pedophilia.  Those are all principles, but would you want some nit-infested redneck dirtying up your living room with those principles?  And of course they have good will towards each other.  If there's one thing you can count on in a bunch of honkeys, it's that they'll always stick together against us.

Now let's get serious here.  These ofays are out there for one reason, and one reason only.  They want to take down our blessed Messiah and President, the Benevolent, Wise and Caring Great One, B. Hussein Obama.  Do not be confused or distracted by the deceiving rhetoric of these tea-baggers.  They use code-words to cover their insidious deviltry.  Let me give you a list of the code-words you can expect to hear at a tea-bagger rally, and what they REALLY mean.

1.  "Fiscal responsibility".  Sounds good, doesn't it?  But what does a Tea-bagger klansman really mean by this phrase?  He means you can't trust a Brother with your money.  After all, we finally have a true African American in charge of the country and NOW all these white goonie-birds want to start talking about fiscal responsibility.  Did they talk about that when that blue-eyed devil George W. Bush was running the country?  Well?  No they did not!  Only when a Brother is running the country do they get all worried about the money.  Typical cracker nonsense, but what can you really expect from their kind?

2.  "Sanctity of Marriage".  Oh, their going to play the "morality" card now.  Well, what does that really mean?  Oh, you know it, go ahead and say it.  That's right.  They mean that "N-word" is looking at my fine white woman.  You know those Tea-baggers can't stand the thought of a True Black Man in the "White" House.  They see a Mighty African Prince standing over them with authority, and all they can think about is they're going to lose their women.  Well, it would serve them right.

3.  "Voting Rights".  Seriously?  What do the albinos know about not having their voting rights, anyway?  You have two Brothers get a little carried away just one time, and all of the sudden every redneck, cracker, ofay, blue-eyed devil in the whole country gets all concerned about "voting rights".  Take it from me, if the two Brothers out front would have been two Klansmen in Selma, nobody would have said a word.  So why do you suppose the Tea-baggers want to scream so much about one little mis-communication in Philly?

4.  "Uncle Toms and Oreos".  Well, that one isn't actually part of the Tea-bagger lexicon.  That's what we're going to be calling all these sell-out, so-called "Brothers" who have been showing up at the Tea-bagger rallies and consorting with the enemy.  I don't care what your excuse is, or what you think you're doing.  A Black Man has got no business criticizing Our Great Messiah, and anyone who does isn't really a Black Man any more, and we KNOW how to handle that.  If you don't get my meaning, ask Juan Williams.

Now I do want to add, some of my best friends are white people.  But they are the right kind of white people.  They know their place and they know their race.  They still feel the guilt for what their grandfathers did to our proud people.  They know how to vote, and how to keep their mouths shut if they think they don't like what Our Great Messiah Obama is doing for this country.  So I have no problem with white people, as long as they know how to act.

Okay, I think that about wraps it up for now.  You know what we're up against.  Let's get out there, and remember, "No Justice, No Peace".  And for crying out loud, leave the "Kill Whitey" signs at home this time.  You know Fox News just loves showing us carrying those around.


NAACP Honcho Benjamin Todd Jealous

Obama re-writes Declaration of Independence

New item:  President Obama repeatedly misquotes Declaration of Independence, omits "Creator"

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To:  Arne Duncan, Secretary of Education

Dear Arne,

How are things going with you these days?  As you know, there is nothing more important to our movement than education.  Actually, to be more accurate, there is nothing more valuable to our revolution than re-education.  What I want to talk to you about today is the re-education program we need to put in place in Amerikkka's schools concerning the racist, misogynist, capitalist bigots who founded this misbegotten nation.  For too long we've allowed the children of this nation to be indoctrinated with wild fabrications about their "founding fathers" and their declaration of independence.  You have allowed this document, which is quite frankly completely out-dated, to be taught "as is" in Amerikka's class rooms.  Well, that's got to change.

I've had a lengthy chat with Attorney General Holder, and he assures me that the wording we've been working with is completely unconstitutional.  The document in question actually references a "Creator" when claiming a variety of "rights" in its opening statement (I think they call it a "preamble" or something like that).  A.G. Holder is adamant (and I must say that I completely agree with him) that this wording violates the Separation of Church and State, the highest principle upon which our Great Revolution is based.  That being the case, I had A.G. Holder put together a crack team over at the Department of Justice to put together a new "preamble" which will be acceptable to be taught in this country's public schools.  I am directing you to put this revision into place in all textbooks immediately.  It will read as follows:

"We hold these truths to be generally acceptable, contingent upon Federal Court Review, that all sentient beings have evolved equally, and that these sentient beings have a number of rights bestowed to them by a benevolent Federal Government, and that among these rights are Abortion on Demand, Free Love and Expression of Sexuality, Free Health Care, Freedom from Lifestyle Judgments by their Communities, Freedom to Create and Consume Pornography, Miranda Warnings When Arrested by Fascist Pigs, and a Living Wage Guarantee.  To make sure that these rights are not violated we have established the ACLU and its subsidiary, the United States Department of Justice.  The Federal Government has absolute authority to enforce these rights, and to abolish any citizen or group of citizens opposed to these rights.  It is the right and duty of all citizens to unconditionally uphold the Federal Government in its protection of these rights.  As these rights are provided by the Federal Government, they may be revoked with or without cause, with or without notice, or distributed upon the basis of race, gender and sexual orientation as the Federal Government sees fit. "

Please see that this new wording goes into place immediately.  A.G. Holder assures Me that you will have the full backing of his department.  Likewise, Tim Geithner has assured me the IRS will be on hand to provide any needed help with unpatriotic tea-bagger dissidents. And just to be on the safe side, I have consulted with the two Supreme Court justices I have put in place.  They assure me that they are VERY comfortable with this language and feel secure that they can put together a five-vote majority to support it if need be.  So no sand-bagging, get to work.  The children of this pathetic, racist, homophobic, islamophobic, misogynist nation need their re-education now!


President for Life B. Hussein Obama

Barney Frank goes to therapy

Fwom de dethk of Congwethpuhson Bahney Fwank:

Deawest Jim,

I have been tawkin' to mah thewapitht about some of de ithues between uth, and Ah think thereth a few thingth we need to tawk about.  Ah know thith whole ewection buthiness hath been weally hahd on you watewy, but we jutht haf to get a few thingth thraithened out. 

Ah was expwainin' to mah thewapitht about the pwobwems Ah been havin' with mah we-ewection dis time awound, and how itth been cauthin' uth so much twouble in ouwr wewationship.  Ah expwained to de thewapitht that thith hath nevah happen' to me befahr, and that it wath cauthin' you aww kind of emotionaw distweth.  The thewapitht theemed vewy thympathetic, and thuggethted maybe mah age wath paht of de pwobwem.  Ah agweed dat dere ith a wot of ageithm in dis countwy, and people mah age are ofen thubject to dicwimination.  Ah agweed wif de thewapist dat mah age might be paht of de pwobwem wif mah we-ewection.  Affah aww, it can't weawwy be about dat Fweddie and Fannie bidneth, now can it?

At any wate, de thewapitht thaid maybe Ah thould take thome wittle bwue pillth he good get fah me.  Ah tol' him Ah don't think de pillth would hewlp wif mah we-ewection.  He tol' me Ah shouwld at leatht gib dem a chanth.  Ah weally think he might not haf unnerthtood jutht what Ah wath tawkin' about.  Ah don't know anybody in Congweth who evah got theihr we-ewection jutht bah takin' a wittle bwue piwll.

At any wate, Ah went on to expwain to de thewapitht about mah we-ewection pwobwems becauthe of dat thillwy wittle Mawine who ith wunnin' againtht mah.  Ah expwained to de thewapitht dat de Mawine ith onwy haf mah age, and ith in vewy good phythicawl condition, not tah metion he weawly ith pwetty nithe wookin'.  De thewapitht thaid it wath onwy natuwal dat Ah should be upthet to be compahrd to a fewwow haf mah age.  He agweed dat peopwel should not judge a man wif mah age an' expewience againtht thomeone tho young.  He thaid if I wath thinkin' about dat to much it might be de weathon Ah'm havin' tho much twouble wif mah we-ewection.  He thaid Ah should jus' thtop thinkin' about dat young man and take de wittle bwue piwlth. 

Dis bwingth mah to de heawrt of mah pwobwem.  De othuh day you were fowwowin' dat young man awound wif youhr camewa, takin' aww kindth of pictureth of him.  Wook, I know you want to be thupportuv of mah campaign, but how do you think it maketh mah feewl when you ahre out dere thnappin' awl dothe pictureth of dat stwappin', good-wookin', young man who is twyin' to take away mah we-ewection?  Don't you know how dat wookth to mah?  Wook, Jim, Ah know you didn't weawly mean anythin' by it, but pwease, it hurtth mah to thee you awoun' him tho much!  Ah jutht thtart thinkin' to mahthelf that Ah could lothe mah we-ewection, and that maybe den you wouldn't love mah de thame anymore.  You might go lookin' for thomeone younguh, who haf hith ewection wewl in hand.  I gueth Ah'm jutht twyin' to thay Ah don' haf mah thame old confidenth any more, an' Ah need you to hewlp mah out heahr.  Tho pweathe, fohr de thake of ourwr wove, jutht thtay away fwom dat young man!

Your woving pahtnuh fohrevuh,

Congwethpuhson Bahney Fwank

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Obama invites Iran to have a "role" in Afghanistan

Obama invites Iran to play a "role" in the future of Afghanistan, seat Iranian representatives at NATO meeting on Afghanistan policy:

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama

Attention:  Classified Information, Level 18 Security Clearance Personnel only:

Dear President Ahmadinejad,

Man, that one's a mouthful!  Mind if I just call you AJ?  After all, we're on the same side here, right?  Listen, about that shipment of explosives that got held up last week, I really don't know what to tell you.  You must have marked the boxes wrong somehow on your end.  There's no way anybody should have known about that stuff.  Maybe you should be a little more careful.  I CANNOT get tied to this, okay?  I've got enough problems over here already without always having to save your bacon (heh, I love telling you that).

I've got it set up to have NATO forces out of there by next year, so all you have to do is wait until the draw-down starts, then pummel those lunkheads like Barney Frank on a Cirque du Soleil acrobat.  I know you don't have any of "those guys" over there to really get that picture, but just take it from me that it won't be pretty.  Quite frankly, it'll do me a world of good.  Those morons who keep signing up for the armed forces of this failed nation have it coming.  Do you know that they actually support the Republicans over Me by a 3 to 1 margin?  What kind of loyalty is that?  After all, if I'm Commander in Chief, shouldn't I be able to just tell them they all have to vote for Me?  Well, if they're stupid enough to keep voting for the other side, then I guess they won't mind dying for Me.

Now listen, here's what I can do for you, and what you can do for Me.  I know you need a little more time to get that "special project" up and running.  Well, there's only two countries out there who might be able to stop you.  Fortunately for you, I'm running one of them, so I can keep the heat off your back from this side.  As far as the Israelis go, here's the deal.  I will let that mongrel son of a dog and a pig know just where he gets his foreign aid from, and just what will happen if he tries to start anything.  After all, we can't have those war-mongering Zionist monkeys harming the peace-loving people of Iran, now can we?  If that doesn't work, I can always station a carrier in the Persian Gulf to help with your air defenses.  Any Israeli planes trying to make it through will run into a "reverse liberty", if you know what I mean.  That ought to buy you all the time you need to get things finished up.  My good buddy Rev J. Wright will be really proud of me when he sees how I'm handling those jews.  Almost as proud as My father would have been if he could only see Me.

Now, here's what you can do for me.  There's nothing to rally the moron, redneck proles of this racist country around their President like the sight of a few of their countrymen getting blown up.  So, if someone (wink, wink) were to send another shipment of explosives into Afghanistan, and Someone (wink, wink) else were to make sure this shipment didn't get intercepted, then quite a few "NATO" (yeah, we know whose guys it'll be) troops could get their just recompense for oppressing the Righteous Followers of Allah.  And when I get up and give one of My Patented Great Speeches (I think I can even pull off a few tears this time) about their sacrifice, honor, nobility, yada, yada, yada, etc.; then the idiots who vote in this pathetic country won't be able to line up to kiss My shoes fast enough.  Just make sure the whole thing goes down between October 25 and 31.  My advisers assure me that will be just the right moment for a little pre-election surprise.  That ought to turn back the Republican tide and keep My people in power, which in turn will help keep your people in power. 

Okay, I think that about covers it for now.  Give My best to Hugo, tell him to keep those great W. jokes coming, I can't get enough of them.

Your Friend and Admirer,

President for Life of the United States of Amerikka B. Hussein Obama

Monday, October 18, 2010

Expansion of Federal Preventative Health Care Initiative

From the Desk of Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius:

Dear Citizen,

In keeping with first lady Michelle Obama's welfare of children initiative, the following changes will take place in your dietary practices, effective immediately.  Please note that the Supreme Court's Virginia v. DHHS decision authorized this office to require any and all purchases necessary to protect the health, safety and welfare of the common good.  Additionally, please note that since this is a proactive requirement for all citizens your place of residence is subject to search from agents of this office at any time to insure compliance with these directives.  Likewise, please note that failure to comply with these directives incurs a liability of five years in federal prison and a $10,000.00 fine.  Additionally, please remember that failure in the part of adult parents or guardians of minor children to comply with these directives creates a de facto judgment of child abuse, with all attending penalties, including the removal of minor children from the custody of such guardians or parents.

1.  You are required to purchase a minimum of five servings per day of fresh fruits and vegetables for each citizen residing within your household or domicile.  Receipts proving the purchase of said fruits and vegetables are to be provided upon demand for audit by the Internal Revenue Service agents empowered by this office for that purpose.  Proper maintenance of such receipts is the sole obligation and responsibility of the citizen residents of your household or domicile.  Please be aware that although this office initially provided written warnings for first offense failures, that policy proved inconvenient for our agents and has since been discontinued. 

2.  You are required to purchase a minimum of two servings per day of dairy products (preferably low fat or skim) for each citizen residing within your household or domicile.  Enforcement and penalty are the same as for the provision(s) above.

3.  You are required to purchase a minimum of four servings per day of whole-grain bread or pasta products, as per guidelines above.

4.  All citizens are now to report once per week to their local health office and submit urine, hair and blood samples to screen for the ingestion of nicotine.  Any failure to do so constitutes a failure to purchase health care services, as noted above.  First offense for a positive test is up to three years in prison and a $10,000.00 fine.  Please bear in mind our zero-tolerance policy in this (and all other) matters.

5.  All citizens are now to report once per month to their local health office to submit to a body mass index screening for obesity.  Compliance regulations are the same as for section four, above.  Citizens found to be obese will be receive a scarlet "F" (for fatty) tattoo upon their forehead and have their monthly condom allowance halved. 

Please remember, this is for your own health and well-being.  We're from the federal government, and we're here to help.


DHHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius

Jack Conway Addresses Religiosity

Dear Voters,

Some of you seem to have taken a bit of umbrage with my completely legitimate questions about the faith of my heathen/pagan/wiccan(?) opponent Rand Paul.  Specifically, some of you have asked how I can know what is the heart of the goat-worshiping voodoo practitioner Rand Paul, while simultaneously having the temerity to question MY religion.  I suppose I will actually have to address the issue since I am currently, inexplicably, behind in the polls to the Baal worshiper Rand Paul.

First of all, as to Rand Paul's religion.  It has come to my attention that a few decades ago the High Priest of Dagon known as Rand Paul was a member of a secret society on his college campus.  Members of this society engaged in anti-Christian behavior.  Since members of the society engaged in anti-Christian activity, and the demon-possessed tea-bagger Rand Paul was a part of this society, then we may safely say that Rand Paul is not a Christian.  As you can see, my logic is utterly unassailable in this matter. 

Now as to those other questions.  Yes, I am a proud Roman Catholic, and make no secret of the matter.  No, my support for abortion on demand, at taxpayer expense, which is directly antithetical to Catholic doctrine in no way affects the fact that I am a good Catholic and a good Christian.  Abortion on demand is far too important a matter to allow such petty matters as religious faith to come into play when making decisions on how to vote.  The primary decision on this matter must, of course, be defeating your primary opponent and shoring up your base.  Some of you are so naive as to insist that being a Christian, especially a proud Roman Catholic, would mean that I should stand up to my base and support "unborn life".  Indeed.  I see that you are judging me.  Judge not that ye be not judged.  Bet you never heard that before, huh?  You are probably a bunch of fake Christians just like that Zoroastrian nut job Rand Paul.

Additionally, some of you have taken me to task for my strong support for gay rights.  Let me assure you, I can support gay rights all day long without violating any special tenets of my proud Roman Catholic faith.  If you think I am wrong on this and question my Christianity, then you are obviously a bunch of Cthulu-worshiping, virgin-sacrificing, psychopathic lunatics. 

Quite frankly, I and my Democratic colleagues are getting tired of this.  It is beyond the pale that you would question our faith.  If I say I am a Christian, and it helps me get elected, then that is just a happy coincidence.  Nothing I do as a politician may be taken into account, because I must act for the Greater Good, which is, of course, far beyond such frivolities as "good" and "evil" on an individual basis.  My social conscience is so great that it renders my personal conscience irrelevant.  On the other hand, Republicans, with their opposition to the Holy Sacraments of Abortion on Demand and Gay Rights, have sacrificed their social conscience, and thus may be justly condemned as anti-Christian, even for offenses several decades old. 

I hope this clears things up for you.  If not, then you are obviously a tea-bagger animist looking for your future in a pile of chicken guts. 


Future Senator Jack Conway

Crist for Senate explains positions

From the Campaign Office of Charlie Crist:

Dear Voter/Donor/Constituent/etc.

I would like to take a few moments to explain to you why your vote for me is absolutely vital to the best interests of this great state, and why I am willing to make such great sacrifices on your behalf. I must assure that my campaign is in no way affected, influenced, or beholden to any personal self-interest.

On the issues, I must assure you that I am completely opposed to the implementation of Obamacare, although I do favor putting it into action. I fully oppose the drain on federal and state budgets it imposes, and will work to make sure even more money is pumped into our great state through Obamacare. I oppose cuts in Medicare through Obamacare, and will instead work to cut spending on doctors and medicines, thus making cuts unnecessary.

I am in favor of reducing taxes, and will do so by voting to increase the marginal rates across the board. I will work to curb the deficit and bring more spending to all levels of social services.
As far as social issues go, I am pro-life and will fully support a woman's right to choose partial birth abortion, paid for by Obamacare. I am opposed to gay marriage, and promise to vote against its repeal once implemented through the federal courts. I fully support your right to keep and bear arms, and will make sure that only Congress, state government, and local aldermen are allowed to make laws restricting gun ownership.

If I have your vote I will keep my allegiance to my traditional Republican allies, and support Harry Reid (or Chuck Schumer, if need be) for Senate Majority Leader.

I give you my word I will work only for the best interest of all Floridians, never myself, in everything I do. I will work for the unity of all the people of our great state. And the two guys running against me are ethnic. Do you really think you can trust them?


Your Future Senator Charlie Crist

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Alinsky counsels Obama

From the desk of S. Alinsky:

Dear President Obama,

For reasons which are beyond my ken, I have been allowed to pen this brief letter to you.  I hope you find it helpful in your ongoing mission on behalf of my Grand Host.  It may be that he has allowed me to pen this to you as gratitude for my humble dedication of my life's great work to him (although gratitude is not something we really see very much of down here) or because he is concerned that you are having difficulty carrying out his plan on Earth.  I suppose I have been brought in as a consultant, for want of a better term.  At any rate, here are a few pointers which, having studied my work as much as you have, you should already have come up with on your own.

First of all, please remember that power is what the enemy thinks you have.  You have, I suspect, attributed great power to the "Tea Party" movement of the opposition.  In doing so you have caused fear amongst your followers and emboldened the enemy.  Quite frankly, when you attributed power to them you de facto gave power to them.  This was an error.  Now that your followers believe the "Tea Party" crowd has power, it has become so.  You should have known this would happen.

This naturally leads to my next point.  You have gone entirely outside the experience of your people.  Why do you have that clown as press secretary, anyway?  He's clearly in over his head.  Unfortunately, you have very few people with any military or law enforcement experience at your disposal, and it's beginning to show.  Confusion and fear are spreading among your camp.  I understand that many (most?) of your staff are retreating, even abandoning you.  You really need to get some experienced people in there who will be sympathetic to you.  I hear Colin Powell might still be available.  Just think about it.

Now, early on you did a fine job of making the enemy play be their own rules.  The problem now is that you are the one in charge of the rule book, and you have made far too many promises.  You promised free health care to everyone, with no increase in spending.  You promised to end the wars and close Gitmo.  You promised no new taxes (oh, like we've never seen that mistake before) for the middle class.  Now the enemy is holding you to your rule book.  It hurts when they use it against you, I know.  Believe me, I've had several years down here to think about it, with no end in sight.  Maybe you should just ditch the rule book altogether.  I hear one of your guys had an idea about just admitting "the Constitution is wrong".  Couldn't have said it better myself.  Lets you ditch the rule book and do whatever you want.  Might be worth a try.

It seems that of late you have ceded the ridicule rule to the enemy.  I know, the whole "tea-bagger" thing seemed like a good idea, but it was really a one-time shot that you've hung onto way to long.  Of late you and your comrades are the ones on the receiving end.  Our good friend M. Dowd tried to help you out, but quite frankly I think she needs to get back on her meds.  You've definitely let the other side get the other hand with ridicule.  Maybe John Stewart would make a good press secretary?  Just a thought.

Now remember, if it's a good tactic, your people enjoy it.  I have to ask you this as a friend, are your people in Congress enjoying themselves right now?  Why not?  Maybe, just maybe, you need to re-consider some of your tactical decisions.  We all have to reconsider from time to time.  Take it from me, I haven't had a choice to do anything else for quite a while now.

Finally, and this is the most important point for us to discuss at our present juncture, I have to ask you this:  Did you break through and take power without a constructive alternative to what the other side is doing?  You ran against the war, the deficits, and unemployment.  Looks to me like they're all still there.  You almost make it seem like the other side was right about your lack of experience.  I've almost grown wistful thinking about what Hilary might have done.  Oh well, no use in regrets, is there?  You'll have plenty of time for that once we're here together in retirement.

At any rate, I hope some of this may have been helpful.  If so, I don't suppose that as the most powerful man on Earth you could arrange a little something for me?  Maybe just a nice glass of tea.  Or water.  Or even just dip your finger in some and put it on the tip of my tongue.  It is just devilishly hot here right now.

Your adviser and admirer,

S. Alinsky

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Rev. J. Wright program for the damnation of America

From the desks of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law, and the Rev. J. Wright, United Church of Christ:

Dear Congregants,

It is our great honor to be able to address you in this joint epistle.  My good friend, the Rev. J. Wright, is already well known to you for his many years of faithful service.  Not only has he been instrumental in the proper training and education of our current fine President, he has set down with me to pen this missive in which we present our fool-proof plan for Rev. Wright's goal of damning Amerikkka (which, as you know, is in the Bible). 

As our great President has been recently associated with the United Church of Christ denomination, we expect this denomination should grow in influence within this country.  We have already floated the major points within this timely epistle to several of your fellow denominations, and we can assure you that many are already on board (especially the United Methodists and Episcopalians).  Thus, without further ado, please allow us to present the Rev. J. Wright program for the damnation of Amerikkka!

Point one:  Abortion on demand, including "partial-birth" abortion.  We here at the United Church of Christ are now proud supporters of abortion on demand.  In keeping with our strong position on the environment (detailed below), we realize that the main problem with the world today (and any other day) is people.  Human beings are, quite simply, the scourge of all that is good and peaceful upon this planet.  Well, we have a solution:  More abortions, fewer people!  As a bonus, we will raise an entire generation which has been inured to the destruction of human life.  As life grows cheaper and cheaper in their eyes, our beautiful Culture of Death will flourish!  Once we can accept the necessity, nay, even the beauty, of crushing the skull of a partially-born child, nothing will be beyond our grasp.  Human life will become cheap, Amerikkka will be damned, and our program will proceed!  As an aside, we will also work to make sure that these abortions are provided at taxpayer expense, thus ensuring common participation in this practice. 

Of course, there are those whom the state would put to death whom we must assure are spared.  Specifically, we refer to the archaic and barbaric practices of some states within this nation of executing convicted murderers.  While these states try to defend their horrific practice through such legal trickery as "jury trials" and executing only murderers who show "aggravating circumstances" such as rape, torture and mutilation of their "victims", the fact remains far too many murderers are put to death in these states.  This pathetic, medieval notion of "justice" must be brought to an end.  We should note that the pathetic, illiterate denizens of these states are also the same cretins who oppose our glorious position for legalized abortion.  It boggles the mind that they can claim to be "pro-life" over a stupid little blob of cells while simultaneously being willing to execute a "murderer" (who was probably abused as a child and the victim of racism) for his "crimes".  We must bring a halt to all executions of murderers, and thus hasten the damnation of Amerikkka, which is, of course, in the Bible.

My good friend Rev. J. Wright and I have also considered another oppressive institution which is a cornerstone of the racist, misogynistic, homophobic and patriarchal nation which is Amerikkka.  This institution is, of course, heterosexual marriage, which various bitter clingers throughout the under-educated portions of the nation consider a "divinely-instituted" institution; and its corollary, the pathetic "two-parent" home.  The insistence on so many churches of recognizing this pathetic institution has been one of the greatest obstacles to our long term goals.  Fortunately, you of the United Church of Christ denomination have been in the vanguard of those who recognize the equality, nay, even the superiority of alternative family arrangements.  The advent of gay marriage, the acceptance of homosexuality, bi-sexuality, and now even omni-sexuality, are truly magnificent to behold.  Already our friends within the properly enlightened denominations join our cause for full sexual liberation.  And thus the damnation of Amerikkka, which is of course in the Bible, proceeds apace.

Finally, please allow us a moment to address the matter of environmentalism.  Those of us with my fine firm have long understood what pathetic creatures you human beings truly are, and the great error that was made in allowing your existence.  Your pestilential presence upon this sphere has caused us no end of anguish for untold eons.  I cannot tell you how truly gratified I am too see that you have come around to our point of view.  Now that your "green" movement has come to fruition, you too understand that your kind must end for the good of the planet.  And who has been more in charge of defending religious environmentalism than you, our great friends within the United Church of Christ denomination?  Once your youth come to appreciate the beauty of a world without humanity, then our Final Solution, carried out through specially empowered panels of Obamacare Enforcement Agents, may be implemented.  I look forward to seeing all of you on a much more permanent basis quite soon.  Just after the damnation of Amerikkka, which is, of course, in the Bible.

Your friends and spiritual guides,

D. Mephistopheles, Attorney at Law and the Rev. J. Wright.


Please stop confusing us with those ridiculous, "non-denominational" churches of Christ.  We have nothing to do with them, and quite frankly are sick and tired of their interference with our affairs. 


We have taken the liberty of including some informational links below where you can read more about our positions and Grand Scheme on these matters.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Michael Steele views the pre-election landscape

From the Desk of NRC Chairman Michael Steele:

My Fellow Republicans,

While I appreciate the exuberance and enthusiasm that so many of you are showing prior to this election, it behooves me to warn you that we must, in the parlance of the street, "keep our cool". Many of our current partisans are, quite frankly, becoming just a wee bit too rowdy for the good of our movement as a whole. We need to reign some of this irrational exuberance in before it has a chance to do our Grand Old Party permanent harm.

First of all, let's take a look at things on the Senate side. We are in serious danger of losing our majority here. No, I realize we do not have an actual majority in the full Senate. I am speaking of the moderate majority in the Republican caucus. This fine, moderate majority has allowed us to peacefully co-exist with our good friends across the aisle for many years. As a result of this we are able to maintain a fine list of friends who entertain us at many swank cocktail parties. Now these dreadful Tea Party folks have come along, and insisted on running their own candidate, such as Rubio, Miller, Angle, Paul, O'Donnell and so forth. It's simply maddening! Can you imagine if these people actually win? Think about it. Our days of friendly, peaceful co-existence may well be over. These folks could give that maniac Demint enough votes to be majority leader!

Fortunately, I have been in contact with some of my operatives within the National Republican Senatorial Committee. They assure me they are doing the utmost to make sure the worst case scenario involving these candidates (they all win their elections) does not happen. Unfortunately, they tell me there is only so much they can do. Apparently many of our donors are ignoring their obligation to send their money in to the G.O.P. headquarters for proper dissemination, and are instead donating directly to certain Tea Party candidates. The gall of those people! Don't they realize we have spent years recruiting the very best and brightest away from the Democrats? And now they have the nerve to think they can do better and choose their own candidates! My friends, what are we coming to?

I must point out that the problem may be even more dire on the House side, which is both more volatile and more difficult to control than even the mess we have in the Senate. There are so many of these Tea Party flooding in we cannot keep track of them. How can we make sure that they are taught the importance of proper Washington etiquette if so many of them arrive here so quickly? How can we make sure that their naive beliefs about the Constitution do not upset our fine applecart here in D.C.? Quite frankly, I fear these people may be nothing but a bunch of rabble-rousing boat rockers. I fear for the seats of many of our long-time friends across the aisle. I fear for our exemplary tradition of bi-partisanship. In short, I fear that we moderates may well be losing control of the party. And who knows where that could lead? I would exhort you to go out and fight the Tea Party, but of course fighting just isn't our thing. So instead we will continue to withhold what little funding we still have control over from their campaigns and criticize their candidates on national news shows. I really don't know what else I can be expected to do as party chair.


RNC Chairman Michael Steele

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Barney Frank explains trip to Virgin Islands

Fwom de dethk of Congwethpuhson Bahney Fwank:

Deah Votuhs,

Wecently, theahr hath been a widicuwous contwovuthy ovuh a wittle twip Ah took with my wong-tuhm pahtnuh and a couple of our vewy good fwiendth.  Ah would wike to adweth that contwovuthy at thith time.

Thome of you may haf heahd dat thith twip wath a thimple vacation.  Ah can athure you that ith not the cathe.  Mah twip to de Vujin Islandth wath in point of fact a mithion of merthy.  Jutht think about it.  De name of de plathe weally sayth it aww.  Thothe poor young peopwle down dere haf no idea about de medithinal and thewapeutic vawue of thexual wiberaythun.  Aww dose poor young men, who haf nevah been taught about de thewapy of thexual wewease that ith theirs foh de taking!  It boggleth de mind!  Thomeone had to go down theh to teach aww dose fine, fit, tan, buff, cwean-thaven, oh-tho-young men about de thexual thewapy and how it hath heawing poweth.  Welww, I tokked it ober wiff my wong-tuhm pahtnuh, and Jim sayth to me, "Bahney, you ahr tho wight, we jutht hath to go down dere and hewlp aww dose poohr young men." 

Ah haff to tewll you, Jim ith thuch a joy to meh.  Ah wath a wittel nehvous when we hit de beach, but he atthured me that eben do Ahm sebenty yearth old now, I thtill wook ath good ath evah in mah thong!  Wewl, Ah got to tewl you, we hit it off wealwy wewl wiff all dem young men down dere!  Ah suppothe it didn't huht dat Ahm a wewl known Congwesspuhson, ohr dat ouwr hotht ith a biwwionairre, but Ah thtill think we managed to open a wot of eyeth with ouwr wectureth on thexual wiberation.  Tho, ath you can thee, thith twip wath actuawwy a humanitawian mithion, a vewitable mithion of muhcy.  Tho pwease pay no attensun to dose cweepth in the wight wing media at Fox Newth about any "vacation"!

What you weawwy need to be wowwying about is mah up-comin' we-ewection.  Evewy two yeahs Ah haff to take cahre of mah ewection pwospects.  So, on that note, wet me thay dis:  Thome congwesspuhsons dis yeah theem to be embawathed to bwing home de pohrk fohr dere distwicks.  Wewl, Ah can pwomise you, Ah wiwl nevuh be embawathed to bwing home de pohrk fohr mah gweat home heah in Bothton!  But wemembuh, if you want awl dat gweat pohrk Ah gif you (and you know you awl want mah gweat pohrk!) den you had bettuh take good care of mah we-ewection.  Wemebuh, if Ah don't get mah we-ewection, you don't get your pohrk!  Now jutht think about dat!

So dis Novembuh, wemembuh dat Bahney Fwank wath on a mithion of merthy to de Virjun Islandths, and if you want mah pohrk, you bettuh take care of my we-ewection.  Ah think we unduhthtand each othuh now.


Congwesspuhson Bahney Fwank