No Cupcakes for You!

From the desk of First Lady Michelle Obama:

To:  U.S. Department of Education Secretary Arne Duncan

Dear Secretary Duncan,

I was just speaking to my husband (your boss) the other day, and told him how upsetting it is to me to see all these little children in our public schools who are just as fat as a bunch of little pigs.  It is disgusting, and I want something done about it.  Barry said he thought I was right, and that I should get on it right away, so that's just what I'm doing.  I've come up with some suggestions for you to put into place, and Barry says he's behind all of them, so I'm sure you'll be behind them also.


First of all, the little porkers need to stop eating so much junk food.  All they ever want are cookies, candy, sodas and cupcakes.  Well I say, let them eat arugula!  It's about time we stopped letting the little lardbutts get their way all the time.  Honestly, how can parents be expected to keep their kids in tip-top shape when the girl scouts are selling cookies, the band is selling candy bars, and the cheerleaders are selling ho-hos?  I tell you it's enough to make me gain two pounds just thinking about it!  So from now on, our message has to be "No Cupcakes for You!"

Instead of this constant emphasis on junk food, we need to spend more time educating our children on what really matters.  I firmly believe if we could make more of an effort to educate our children about the joy of same-sex marriage, for example, they would have less time to think about being hungry.  The more time they spend learning about how the white devils who founded this country raped and pillaged the poor Native Americans, the less they'll want to stuff their fat little faces full of the food that comes from the land their ancestors stole.  I think the combination of constant sex ed and a healthy serving of guilt about their country's past will do wonders to suppress the appetites of these little porkers.

Seriously, as a matter of aesthetics, how can you put up with all the cellulite?  It's disgusting!  These little hogs need to learn just how disgusting it is for other people to have to look at them all day long.  I recommend that any student with a Body Mass Index above 28 be forced to stand in front of the classroom every day and explain why they are so fat to the class.  Go ahead and let the other kids laugh at them, it will be healthy.  Make the fat kids confess what they ate the day before to their classmates, and make them confess how little time they spend at the gym.  Oh sure, there will be some hurt feelings, but it will be for the best in the long run.

At any rate, these are a few of my suggestions.  I look forward to seeing them implemented soon.

Sincerely,

First Lady Michelle Obama