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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Not a satire (but you'll wish it was)

Well, today I am actually doing some real reporting:

Copied directly from the University of Arkansas-Little Rock’s official webpage, link above:

UALR History Professor Johanna Miller Lewis will present a lecture at 7:30 p.m. Tuesday, March 1, exploring the events of the Boston Tea Party and the current Tea Party movement.
The lecture, at the Ottenheimer Auditorium in the Historic Arkansas Museum at 200 E. Third St., is part of UALR’s History Institute’s series, “Evenings with History.”
The event begins at 7 p.m. with refreshments, followed by Lewis’s lecture, “Teabaggers and the American Revolution.”
From television personality Glenn Beck to Representative Michelle Bachmann and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, the conservative right has embraced the Boston Tea Party as a symbol of rebellion against taxation and government  intervention that led directly to the American Revolution. However, a close reading of the events leading up to the American Revolution suggests otherwise. This lecture will examine the numerous interpretations of the tax revolts and struggle for political power that really led the colonies to rebel against Great Britain.
The Evenings with History series is sponsored by the University History Institute, which is a nonprofit organization of private citizens interested in history and supporting UALR.
An individual can subscribe to the series for $50 annually, which includes admission to all six lectures. A joint subscription to the series, at $90 annually, offers savings of $10 to couples and friends. At $250 annually, a Fellow of the Institute receives the previous benefits, plus an invitation to special presentations for fellows exclusively, including private events with noted authors. The Institute also offers a life membership at $1,000 that can be paid in installments.
Subscriptions and donations to the Institute are tax deductible as allowed by law. Subscribers to the series help support historical research. Presenters donate their time, and the University History Institute uses all proceeds from the series to encourage research at UALR.
In recent years, annual institute grants, made possible by the Evenings with History series, have made major purchases of historical research materials for UALR.
For more information, contact the UALR Department of History at 501-569-3235.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Wisconsin Democratic Senate Leader Vacation Plans

From the desk of Senator Mark F. Miller, Minority Leader, Wisconsin Senate:

Dear Democrat Colleagues,

I've been watching the weather quit a bit lately, and I have to tell you that it is just too cold here for me right now.  I know, I know, we're supposed to be in session, but honestly, how can we be expected to get any work done with fourteen feet of snow on the ground?  Seriously guys, it's cold up here.  What we need is a winter break.

Look, the Republicans are bound and determined to do whatever they want.  I don't know where they got the idea that just because they have majorities in both houses and the governorship they can pass whatever laws they like, but that seems to be their thinking these days.  So, since I can't accomplish any of my legislative goals anyway, and since it's colder than the Governor's heart, I say we get out of town for a while and hit the beaches down in sunny Chicago.  Have you seen the lake here this time of year?  I've gotta tell you, it's just plain beautiful.  I really don't know why I'd want to be any other place. 

Here's the thing.  Over the years, I've maintained a 100% rating with Naral, all the gun-control people, the Sierra Club, the gay-rights group and the public sector unions (except for those a******* cops who keep giving me a bad rating, probably because they don't like the 100% I got from the ACLU).  At any rate, it's obvious this year that all my hard-earned work was going to be shoveled aside like so much snow by the Republicans.  Then it occurred to me what I could do.  I could take a vacation, get a little sun and fun, a little r & r, some downtime, some me time, and at the same time I could keep the Republicans from doing anything, and I mean anything, at all.  All I have to do is leave town and get you guys to come with me.

It's perfect!  We have the new form of responsible government:  If you can't win the game, don't play!  We can take a vacation and still keep all of our special constituents happy!  The unions will love us for this, after all it's a move right out of their playbook.  Don't work, shut everything down, and make sure nothing happens until the other side caves to our demands.  I really don't see how anything can go wrong.

So, until the next election cycle and we get our majority back, join me down here in sunny Chicago, grab a Chicago-style pie and a Bulls game, and let's enjoy our winter break.

Your friend a leader,

Wisconsin Senate Minority Leader Mark Miller

Monday, February 14, 2011

Obama Offers New Budget Proposal

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama

To:  Speaker of the House John Boehner

Dear Johnny,

So, you guys got control of the House (for the time being) and you think you're going to tell Me how things are done?  Well, let's have a little talk.  I'm here to make you an offer you can't refuse.  Specifically, you are going to approve my budget for $3.7 trillion, and you are going to like it, or else there will be consequences.  Not a threat, just a statement of fact.  Let Me point the facts out for you.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Obama to Bail Out Bankrupt Blue States

From the desk of united states President B. Hussein Obama:

To:  New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, Illinois Governor Pat Quinn and California Governor Jerry Brown

Dear Governors,

I understand that your states are currently in deep financial distress, and that despite your best efforts it appears unlikely that you will be able to meet your financial obligations, all of which are important, but most importantly of all to your public sector employee unions.  That being the case, I have decided to embark upon a plan of action by which your three states, which are of course linchpins to My Great Plan, can meet your financial expectations without any unnecessary and painful cuts to the pension plans of your great public service employees.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Obama Solves Egyptian Crisis

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To:  Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak

Dear President Mubarak,

It pains Me to have to be the one to tell you this, but it is high time for some hope and change in your part of the world.  I see that your people are rioting in the street and calling for the execution of yourself, your family, and every last member of your regime.  Well, quite frankly, what did you expect?  Let Me explain this situation to you in a way that you can understand, and then tell you what to do about it.

First of all, you have maintained a peaceful relationship with the Zionist entity which unlawfully occupies Palestine for at least thirty years now (my history gets a little fuzzy if I have to go back more than that).  Furthermore, you have shut off the border of Gaza and refused to allow Hamas to import the weapons that it needs for its perfectly sane and legal self-defense policy.  What did you expect your people to do?  You are not acting at all like a true Muslim.  Believe Me, I should know.  As an Arab and Muslim leader it is your sacred duty to oppose the Zionist monkeys at every turn.  Do you not know that the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) has commanded it to be so?  So why do you still insist on maintaining peaceful relations with the jews?  I know I have not acted directly against them Myself, but I've got this whole Congress and Senate thing to deal with over here.  You don't have any excuse like that.  Think about it for a minute here.  Bomb Israel and your problems go away?  Are you hearing Me?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Jimmy Carter Advised President Obama on Egyptian Crisis

From the desk of Greatest Ex-President Ever Jimmy Carter:

To:  President Barak Hussein Obama

Dear President Obama,

I know that this is a tough time for you right now, which is why I have decided to reach out to you with a helping hand.  I realize you have not yet actually asked for my assistance, but I decided that must be because you are just too busy to get around to it.  As a result I decided to make things easier for you and go ahead and give you the benefit of my great wisdom and experience as a world leader and peace maker.  After all, we Nobel Prize winners have to stick together.

So, Egypt is all in a mess.  Well let me tell you, when it comes to the Middle East being a mess, I know all about it.  First of all, look at this President Mubarak fellow.  He really is just like the Shah of Iran.  He spent years thinking that if he could just play up to the United States and act like our friend, then we would somehow be obligated to bail him out when he finally got into trouble.  I have to tell you, that kind of thinking just really chafes my buns.  I am sick and tired of all the little people in Egypt, South Korea, Israel, Colombia, Poland, Georgia and Great Britain thinking that we owe them anything.  After all, if they can't manage their own affairs, why should we step in for them?