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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Obama to Bail Out Bankrupt Blue States

From the desk of united states President B. Hussein Obama:

To:  New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, Illinois Governor Pat Quinn and California Governor Jerry Brown

Dear Governors,

I understand that your states are currently in deep financial distress, and that despite your best efforts it appears unlikely that you will be able to meet your financial obligations, all of which are important, but most importantly of all to your public sector employee unions.  That being the case, I have decided to embark upon a plan of action by which your three states, which are of course linchpins to My Great Plan, can meet your financial expectations without any unnecessary and painful cuts to the pension plans of your great public service employees.

First of all, I am going to demand that Congress include in its budget this year moneys sufficient to meet your needs.  I understand why this is puzzling to you, since the fascist Republicans now control the House of Representatives, but hear Me out.  Yes, the Republicans will at first refuse.  I will then promptly veto any budget which does not meet My demands.  Of course the Republicans will then be reminded of what happened to them in 1995 when Bill Clinton did the same thing.  Being Republicans, they will of course cave in to My demands.  It's not like we haven't all seen this before.

Now let us suppose, just suppose, that the Republicans somehow grow themselves a spine between now and then.  Well, so what?  After all, I have Ben Bernanke who just loves buying up debt with Treasury notes.  And guess whose debt he's going to buy up next?  That's right, California will once again be the Golden State.  Bernanke has been in close consultation with Tim Geithner on this for Me, and they both assure Me that this plan is foolproof.  The only reason it isn't my first course of action is because it's so much fun to kick the Republicans in Congress around first.  At any rate, the Federal Reserve will buy up the debt from each of your states, allowing you to continue to spend whatever amount you deem necessary in order to adequately fund the public sector unions and their pension funds.

Now I know that there has been some talk of Congress trying to "reign in" Bernanke, especially with that wingnut Ron Paul demanding more oversight and and audit (as if).  As a result, I have prepared one more ace up the sleeve, so to speak.  I need each of you to have your respective state legislatures pass a special tax, and I don't think you'll have any problem.  You see, this tax won't be on your own citizens, so no one in your own state will object.  What you will need to do is past an "income usage tax" on anyone who does business with a firm from your state.  This tax will offset the "costs of maintaining a business friendly environment" in your state from which these consumers benefit.  So when some neanderthal in flyover country buys California grapes, he's automatically doing business with a California company, so he's going to have to pay a tax to help keep them in business.

Geithner has already assured me that the IRS will be standing by to help you collect this tax from citizens in other states.  All he's going to need is a fifty-five percent cut (we have to have our piece of the action, after all) and he'll turn the rest over to you.  As with any IRS regulation, it's the duty of the taxpayer to prove that they don't owe the tax.  So unless these rubes in flyover country can prove that they never do business with any of your states, they'll have to pay the tax.  The beauty of the plan is that it lets me get the tax raise I need without going to Congress, and you get the money you need without having to pass a tax hike on your own people.  All of us can just point the finger at someone else while we walk away with the dough.  It's foolproof.

That's it for now.  Remember, no playing footsie with the Republicans either.  I've got people who let Me know what's going on.  Don't ever forget it.

Your Leader in The Struggle,

President for Life B. Hussein Obama

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