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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Obama Solves Egyptian Crisis

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To:  Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak

Dear President Mubarak,

It pains Me to have to be the one to tell you this, but it is high time for some hope and change in your part of the world.  I see that your people are rioting in the street and calling for the execution of yourself, your family, and every last member of your regime.  Well, quite frankly, what did you expect?  Let Me explain this situation to you in a way that you can understand, and then tell you what to do about it.

First of all, you have maintained a peaceful relationship with the Zionist entity which unlawfully occupies Palestine for at least thirty years now (my history gets a little fuzzy if I have to go back more than that).  Furthermore, you have shut off the border of Gaza and refused to allow Hamas to import the weapons that it needs for its perfectly sane and legal self-defense policy.  What did you expect your people to do?  You are not acting at all like a true Muslim.  Believe Me, I should know.  As an Arab and Muslim leader it is your sacred duty to oppose the Zionist monkeys at every turn.  Do you not know that the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) has commanded it to be so?  So why do you still insist on maintaining peaceful relations with the jews?  I know I have not acted directly against them Myself, but I've got this whole Congress and Senate thing to deal with over here.  You don't have any excuse like that.  Think about it for a minute here.  Bomb Israel and your problems go away?  Are you hearing Me?

As if your grovelling before the Zionist pigs was not enough, you have moved to ban the Muslim Brotherhood in your country.  What were you thinking?  These are the people seeking hope and change!  My kind of people!  This is who Bill Ayers would be if he'd been born in Egypt.  Look, these are Muslims, all right.  What, are you an Islamophobe are something?  An apostate maybe?  I hate to think what might happen if somebody let that rumor slip right now.  Not that I would, of course.  Just saying you need to think about it, know what I mean?  Maybe you're against brotherhood?  But aren't all Muslims supposed to be brothers?  So really, what's your problem here.  Look, maybe if instead of outlawing the Muslim Brotherhood you embraced their program a lot of your problems could go away.  Have you ever given that a thought?  Maybe now would be a good time to start.  Once again, just a suggestion.

Finally, how many times did you toady up to that cowboy Bush over the last few years?  Did you really think he would be President forever?  What did you think would happen to you once he was gone?  Whatever promises he may have given you are null and void now, and you had better remember that.  I am in no way obligated to honor commitments that the cowboy Bush made, and the sooner you get that idea through your thick skull the better.

So think about it.  You can embrace the Muslim Brotherhood, end the peace with Israel, and swear your allegiance to Me in order to receive support from the country I now control.  Or I can totally cut you loose while "somebody" (Hilary maybe?) floats a few rumors of your being an apostate.  So tell me Hosni, what's it going to be?  Take your time, I can wait.  After all, even if you don't give me the answer I want, I'm sure your successor will be willing to take My offer.  Just make sure you don't miss that last flight out, understand what I'm saying?

Your adviser on staying in power,

united states President for Life B. Hussein Obama

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