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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Not a satire (but you'll wish it was)

Well, today I am actually doing some real reporting:

Copied directly from the University of Arkansas-Little Rock’s official webpage, link above:

UALR History Professor Johanna Miller Lewis will present a lecture at 7:30 p.m. Tuesday, March 1, exploring the events of the Boston Tea Party and the current Tea Party movement.
The lecture, at the Ottenheimer Auditorium in the Historic Arkansas Museum at 200 E. Third St., is part of UALR’s History Institute’s series, “Evenings with History.”
The event begins at 7 p.m. with refreshments, followed by Lewis’s lecture, “Teabaggers and the American Revolution.”
From television personality Glenn Beck to Representative Michelle Bachmann and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, the conservative right has embraced the Boston Tea Party as a symbol of rebellion against taxation and government  intervention that led directly to the American Revolution. However, a close reading of the events leading up to the American Revolution suggests otherwise. This lecture will examine the numerous interpretations of the tax revolts and struggle for political power that really led the colonies to rebel against Great Britain.
The Evenings with History series is sponsored by the University History Institute, which is a nonprofit organization of private citizens interested in history and supporting UALR.
An individual can subscribe to the series for $50 annually, which includes admission to all six lectures. A joint subscription to the series, at $90 annually, offers savings of $10 to couples and friends. At $250 annually, a Fellow of the Institute receives the previous benefits, plus an invitation to special presentations for fellows exclusively, including private events with noted authors. The Institute also offers a life membership at $1,000 that can be paid in installments.
Subscriptions and donations to the Institute are tax deductible as allowed by law. Subscribers to the series help support historical research. Presenters donate their time, and the University History Institute uses all proceeds from the series to encourage research at UALR.
In recent years, annual institute grants, made possible by the Evenings with History series, have made major purchases of historical research materials for UALR.
For more information, contact the UALR Department of History at 501-569-3235.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Wisconsin Democratic Senate Leader Vacation Plans

From the desk of Senator Mark F. Miller, Minority Leader, Wisconsin Senate:

Dear Democrat Colleagues,

I've been watching the weather quit a bit lately, and I have to tell you that it is just too cold here for me right now.  I know, I know, we're supposed to be in session, but honestly, how can we be expected to get any work done with fourteen feet of snow on the ground?  Seriously guys, it's cold up here.  What we need is a winter break.

Look, the Republicans are bound and determined to do whatever they want.  I don't know where they got the idea that just because they have majorities in both houses and the governorship they can pass whatever laws they like, but that seems to be their thinking these days.  So, since I can't accomplish any of my legislative goals anyway, and since it's colder than the Governor's heart, I say we get out of town for a while and hit the beaches down in sunny Chicago.  Have you seen the lake here this time of year?  I've gotta tell you, it's just plain beautiful.  I really don't know why I'd want to be any other place. 

Here's the thing.  Over the years, I've maintained a 100% rating with Naral, all the gun-control people, the Sierra Club, the gay-rights group and the public sector unions (except for those a******* cops who keep giving me a bad rating, probably because they don't like the 100% I got from the ACLU).  At any rate, it's obvious this year that all my hard-earned work was going to be shoveled aside like so much snow by the Republicans.  Then it occurred to me what I could do.  I could take a vacation, get a little sun and fun, a little r & r, some downtime, some me time, and at the same time I could keep the Republicans from doing anything, and I mean anything, at all.  All I have to do is leave town and get you guys to come with me.

It's perfect!  We have the new form of responsible government:  If you can't win the game, don't play!  We can take a vacation and still keep all of our special constituents happy!  The unions will love us for this, after all it's a move right out of their playbook.  Don't work, shut everything down, and make sure nothing happens until the other side caves to our demands.  I really don't see how anything can go wrong.

So, until the next election cycle and we get our majority back, join me down here in sunny Chicago, grab a Chicago-style pie and a Bulls game, and let's enjoy our winter break.

Your friend a leader,

Wisconsin Senate Minority Leader Mark Miller

Monday, February 14, 2011

Obama Offers New Budget Proposal

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama

To:  Speaker of the House John Boehner

Dear Johnny,

So, you guys got control of the House (for the time being) and you think you're going to tell Me how things are done?  Well, let's have a little talk.  I'm here to make you an offer you can't refuse.  Specifically, you are going to approve my budget for $3.7 trillion, and you are going to like it, or else there will be consequences.  Not a threat, just a statement of fact.  Let Me point the facts out for you.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Obama to Bail Out Bankrupt Blue States

From the desk of united states President B. Hussein Obama:

To:  New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, Illinois Governor Pat Quinn and California Governor Jerry Brown

Dear Governors,

I understand that your states are currently in deep financial distress, and that despite your best efforts it appears unlikely that you will be able to meet your financial obligations, all of which are important, but most importantly of all to your public sector employee unions.  That being the case, I have decided to embark upon a plan of action by which your three states, which are of course linchpins to My Great Plan, can meet your financial expectations without any unnecessary and painful cuts to the pension plans of your great public service employees.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Obama Solves Egyptian Crisis

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To:  Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak

Dear President Mubarak,

It pains Me to have to be the one to tell you this, but it is high time for some hope and change in your part of the world.  I see that your people are rioting in the street and calling for the execution of yourself, your family, and every last member of your regime.  Well, quite frankly, what did you expect?  Let Me explain this situation to you in a way that you can understand, and then tell you what to do about it.

First of all, you have maintained a peaceful relationship with the Zionist entity which unlawfully occupies Palestine for at least thirty years now (my history gets a little fuzzy if I have to go back more than that).  Furthermore, you have shut off the border of Gaza and refused to allow Hamas to import the weapons that it needs for its perfectly sane and legal self-defense policy.  What did you expect your people to do?  You are not acting at all like a true Muslim.  Believe Me, I should know.  As an Arab and Muslim leader it is your sacred duty to oppose the Zionist monkeys at every turn.  Do you not know that the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) has commanded it to be so?  So why do you still insist on maintaining peaceful relations with the jews?  I know I have not acted directly against them Myself, but I've got this whole Congress and Senate thing to deal with over here.  You don't have any excuse like that.  Think about it for a minute here.  Bomb Israel and your problems go away?  Are you hearing Me?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Jimmy Carter Advised President Obama on Egyptian Crisis

From the desk of Greatest Ex-President Ever Jimmy Carter:

To:  President Barak Hussein Obama

Dear President Obama,

I know that this is a tough time for you right now, which is why I have decided to reach out to you with a helping hand.  I realize you have not yet actually asked for my assistance, but I decided that must be because you are just too busy to get around to it.  As a result I decided to make things easier for you and go ahead and give you the benefit of my great wisdom and experience as a world leader and peace maker.  After all, we Nobel Prize winners have to stick together.

So, Egypt is all in a mess.  Well let me tell you, when it comes to the Middle East being a mess, I know all about it.  First of all, look at this President Mubarak fellow.  He really is just like the Shah of Iran.  He spent years thinking that if he could just play up to the United States and act like our friend, then we would somehow be obligated to bail him out when he finally got into trouble.  I have to tell you, that kind of thinking just really chafes my buns.  I am sick and tired of all the little people in Egypt, South Korea, Israel, Colombia, Poland, Georgia and Great Britain thinking that we owe them anything.  After all, if they can't manage their own affairs, why should we step in for them?

Monday, January 31, 2011

Obama Reaches Out to Muslim Brotherhood

From the desk of united states President B. Hussein Obama:

To: Muhammad Badi'e, General Guide, Muslim Brotherhood, Egyptian Branch

To My Dear Brother Badi'e,

Greetings and salutations my Dear Brother in The Common Struggle.  I see that all is progressing well on your front, and I congratulate you on your many successes to date.  I wish to inform of what you may expect from "outside" forces as the struggle progresses.

First of all, please do not fear any attempt by amerikkka to debase your glorious revolution against the zionist running dogs who currently infest the capitol of your great nation.  It is the will of Allah (peace be upon his name) that you will be victorious in this struggle, and now that I am Commander in Chief of the amerikkkan armed forces I can assure you that there will be no action taken against you by either the regular amerikkkan military or the CIA.  Since you are guaranteed safety on this front let your hands be bold to shed the blood of those who have opposed you!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Chris Matthews Explains Why Michelle Bachmann is a Bubblehead

Transcript of "Hardball with Chris Matthews", 1/31/11

Chris Matthews:  Tonight I want to take the time to give an explanation to my audience as to why Michelle Bachmann is a complete bubblehead, and why anyone who is part of the Tea-bagger party she represents is a complete ignoramus.  Specifically, I want to talk about the history of civil rights in this country.

First of all, it was the Democratic Party which invented civil rights.  When they realized just how badly the Republicans were botching things in writing the constitution, the Democrats quickly added some amendments, later called the "bill of rights" to try and fix the constitution.  Of course the Republicans managed to foul up even this noble effort when they insisted on inserting the second amendment into the "bill of rights".  But things only got worse from there.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

How do you solve a problem like Sarah?

Dana Milbank of the Washington Post contemplates his Sarah Palin freedom in February:

(To the tune of "Maria")

She runs for office and wins sometimes
her kids are everywhere
She acts like the peasant hick class
And her legs make us stare
And underneath her glasses
She's so hot without compare
I even hear Olbermann loves to watch her run

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Nancy Pelosi Explains Why Obama is a Moderate

From the desk of the Once and Future Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi:

To:  President for Life B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Comrade and Leader in The Struggle,

Let me first tell you that although our party suffered grievous losses in the previous election, it was not your fault.  In point of fact the losses we suffered were not the fault of anyone on our team.  These losses can, I believe, be directly attributed to the wiles of Sarah Palin and her willing accomplices on talk radio and faux news.  After having seen the insanity of the assassin in Arizona, I believe we may safely conclude that he was driven to his madness by exposure to Palin and the Tea-Bagger party's rhetoric.  Likewise, I believe we can safely assume that the amerikkkan people as a whole were driven to madness by this same rhetoric, which explains our defeat.  There was nothing wrong with You, or any other part of our party, the problem is with the amerikkkan people themselves and the madness they have been infected with.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Early Release of Obama's 2011 State of the Union Speech

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To:  Keith Olbermann

Dear Comrade Olbermann,

I realize you are currently seeking new employment and thought that this might be a good opportunity for you to show Me what you can do for Me in My Struggle.  I have prepared a rough outline of my State of the Union Speech, and would like for you to go over it and tell Me what you think.  I realize that you are an ivy-league trained journalist with years of broadcast experience, so I would greatly appreciate any input you might have.  If you serve Me well in this endeavor, I might be able to hook you up with a speech-writing job in my cabinet

Your Leader in The Struggle,

President for Life B. Hussein Obama

SOTU draft:

Dear Comrades and amerikkkan citizens,

As I begin another new year as President, I am pleased to announce that My job performance continues to be stellar in all areas.  I have saved the economy, rebuilt amerikkka's prestige in the world, brought about the Blessing of Universal Health Care, protected amerikkka from terrorists and bridged the civility gap in our culture.  Please listen closely as I elaborate.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

President Obama Issues Pardon for Pennsylvania Abortion Doctor Kermit Gosnell

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Comrades in The Struggle,

It is with deep concern that I have watched the events unfolding in Philadelphia the last few days.  The continuing persecution of Dr. Kermit Gosnell, whose work in protecting the right of womyn to exercise free choice has been a beacon of social justice that all medical professionals should emulate, has been placed in jeopardy by an overzealous prosecutor and a grand jury with a lack of legal understanding and no knowledge of constitutional law.

Friday, January 21, 2011

The Ten Commandments of Obamacare

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear citizens and Comrades in The Struggle,

In reviewing the opposition I have been receiving from many of the Tea-baggers and their associated movements, I have noticed that their reluctance to fully embrace My Great Agenda often stems from religious beliefs.  I suppose it should be no great shock that the bitter clingers in the hinterlands would allow their medieval superstitions to impede their faculties to the point that they are unable to recognize and receive My Divine Guidance.  As a result, I have in My Wisdom determined that the time is now come for Me to unveil the next phase of My plan.  Specifically, I will now reveal My Ten Commandments, which will supersede and replace those commandments that Moses allegedly "received from God" (as if).  Once My commandments are revealed they will be placed in every public school, courthouse, town square and public meeting place throughout the land.  Since these are nominally a "secular" set of commands (the people are not yet fully prepared for Me to reveal My Full True Nature) there should be no issue of separation of church and state in posting My commandments.  Thus, without further ado, the Ten Commandments of My Great Health Plan:

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Not a satire, extremely important read

 I normally reserve this blog for satire, but I have decided to make an exception in this case.  The following link is NOT suitable for children, and is probably not safe for work (although this is nothing in any way pornographic or sexually explicit).  Please follow the link to Michelle Malkin's website, and especially read the embedded PDF from the grand jury, especially the section beginning on page 99.  Please forward this to friends and family as well, this is the face of our country's future if nothing changes.

Eric Holder Addresses Civility, Net Neutrality, and the Fairness Doctrine

From the desk of united states Attorney General Eric Holder:

To:  His Excellency, President for Life B. Hussein Obama, all Department of Justice Employees, all Federal Communications Commission Employees:

Dear Great Leader and Comrades in The Struggle,

I have assembled a crack team of attorneys to address the issues of violence which have sprung up in our nation.  You will be familiar with many of these attorneys, as they are the same team which enabled me to bring the New Black Panthers case to a successful conclusion.  At the direction of Our Leader, His Excellency and President for Life B. Hussein Obama, I have, with the assistance of this team, crafted a plan whereby we may put an end to these violent outbursts which have disrupted our society.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Obama Addresses House Vote to Repeal Health Care Bill

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Comrades and Citizens of amerikkka,

Yesterday, as I was entertaining the handsome, debonair and delightful President Hu Jintao of China, the republicans in the House of Representatives decided to attempt to upstage Me by holding a ridiculous vote to repeal My Great Health Care Initiative.  Although it is in actuality below Me to address the matter, I have decided to do so in order to attempt to enlighten you bitter clingers in fly-over country.

First of all, this is a wasted effort.  My faithful servant in the Senate, Harry Reid, will never allow this repeal vote to come to the floor.  As long as Harry Reid stands fast, which I am sure will be just as long as I need him to, there is no way this repeal rebellion can move forward, and so you Tea-bagger rebels are doomed to lose.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Chinese President Hu Jintao Visits United States President Obama

Official White House Tapes of Meeting Between Presidents Obama and Hu Jintao
19 January 2011
Commence 09:15:09 EST

POTUS:  Mr. President, allow me take this opportunity to extend the warmest possible welcome on behalf of the American people, I hope that this meeting can be productive and mutually......

POPRC:  Lower!

POTUS:  Ummm, excuse me?

POPRC:  If you are going to bow like that, do it right!  Bow lower!

POTUS:  Oh, okay, sorry, didn't realize I was doing it wrong.  Is this better?

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Keith Olbermaan and Sheriff Dupnik Discover Another Tea Party Shooter

Transcript of Countdown With Keith Olbermann from January 17, 2011

Keith Olbermann:  Tonight, live from Tucson, Arizona, we are once again joined by the absolute zenith, the paragon, the creme de la creme of American law enforcement, Sheriff Clarence Dupnik!  Sheriff Dupnik, thanks for being on the show again.  I understand that you have unearthed more evidence in the Tea-bagger attack that took place there, and now believe it may be part of a broader conspiracy linked to a previous attack.

Friday, January 14, 2011

President Obama's Martin Luther King Day Speech

Transcript of President Obama's prepared remarks for Martin Luther King day:

Comrades and citizens of amerikkka,

I am here to speak to you today about a dream.  Not just any dream, but the most important dream in the history of this country.  I am here to speak to you today about My dream, and the power it has to transform this country from the superstitious wasteland which poisons the rest of the world today with its violent conduct and misbegotten notions of liberty, to a country which my beautiful wife, Michelle, can be proud of all the time, not just when I am winning elections.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Jeremiah Wright Preaches on Love and Tolerance

Advance copy of Jeremiah Wright sermon for January 16, 2011:

Brothers and sisters, as we gather here today, we must consider the cancer of hatred that consumes this country, we must face the cancer of hatred that consumes this country and we must defeat the cancer of hatred that eats away at this country!  Now, you may be asking yourselves, how can we defeat the hatred that is festering like an infected boil stuck on the end of your nose?  There is only one way, my brothers and sisters, that we can defeat hatred, and that is with MORE HATRED!  That's right, you heard me, we have got to OUT-HATE THE HATERS!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Keith Olbermann and Sheriff Dupnik Delcare Palin Guilty of Arizona Shooting

Transcript of Countdown with Keith Olbermann from January 12:

Keith Olbermann:  Tonight it is my honor to bring to you Sheriff Clarence W. Dupnik live from Tucson, Arizona.  Good evening, sheriff, how are you doing tonight and how is your investigation going?

Sheriff Dupnik:  Good evening, Keith.  I'm doing great and I'm pleased to announce that we have one of the conspirators in custody, and my department has a working theory of the case which we hope will soon lead to additional arrests.

K.O.  Additional arrests?  So the early rumors that the shooter didn't act alone are actually true?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Obama's Number One Supporter Weighs in on Arizona

From the desk of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law:

Dear President Obama,

I must admit, I am greatly pleased to see that the recent events in Arizona are having their desired results.  Of course you were unaware of my machinations on your behalf, but that must often be the case.  Consider it "plausible deniability", a term with which I believe you are well familiar.  After all, whenever innocent blood is shed, you can trust that someone from my firm has been at work.  And please, whatever face you wish to put on for your adoring public, do not play coy with me.  We have known each other far too well for far too long.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Sheriff Clarence Dupnik Issues Statement on "Responsible Parties" in Shooting

From the desk of Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik:

Dear Fellow Citizens and Voters,

It pains me to have to reflect on the tragic events that befell our beloved community this past Saturday.  While there will no doubt be a time to grieve the losses we have sustained as a community, this is not the time.  No, now is the time to assess blame.

Eric Holder Addresses Legal Issues of Arizona Shooting

From the desk of Attorney General Eric Holder:

Dear President Obama,

First, allow me to say once again how honored I am to serve You, our Exalted Leader, and to be available at Your beck and call to provide advice for Your Glorious Project.  As per Your request, I have reviewed all applicable Federal statutes and case law, and have prepared a legal statement an plan of action following the deplorable attack by the Tea-Bagger operative in Arizona.  I believe it is important that we institute this plan of action as quickly as possible, to ensure that we do not let a good crisis go to waste.  It is especially important that this plan be enacted before the general public has time to "cool off", so to speak, and assess the situation.  An approach such as Your brilliant stimulus strategy, with a bill being passed and signed immediately, is our best bet for total success in this endeavor.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

President Obama Calls for End to Violent Rhetoric

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Comrades and citizens of amerikkka,

In light of the recent treacherous murders committed by Sarah Palin's acolyte, I must call on all of you people who are truly of good will to cease the hateful, divisive and seditious language which has plagued this country of late.  Quite frankly, this violence comes as a surprise to no one who has paid any attention whatsoever to the demagogues of the fascistic Republican party and their willing accomplices on the airwaves of talk radio and Fox news.  It is time for the unpatriotic, bigoted bile which spews from these people to come to an end, by whatever means necessary.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

President Obama Addresses South Sudan Freedom Vote

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To: Organization of Islamic Countries:

Dear Brethren,

As we watch the unfolding events in Sudan, please allow me to be the first to assure you that I share your concerns over the immoral revolt against the  just and lawful government of Sudan.  The Sudanese government has labored against all odds for many years to bring peace and harmony to their country, but the obstinate refusal of the christians and pagans in the southern part of the country to accept the blessings of Sharia has been a constant threat to the stability of that country.  Now I believe we see that our worst fears are coming true in this matter.  I believe we must act quickly, for if this cancer of rebellion against The Prophet (peace be upon his name) is allowed to spread there could be dire ramifications for all of our plans.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

From the desk of United States Grand Duchess of Health and Medicine Kathleen Sebelius:

Dear Komrades and assorted peasantry,

Greetings from the great capital of the nation, from whence all your health needs will now be met in an expedient and timely manner, as determined by myself and the IRS.  My crack staff of accountants on loan from Tim Geithner has determined that our current medical system is overburdened in large part due to the excessive demands placed upon the system by those of you out there with excessive girth.  In other words, you fatties go to the doctor too much!  Your cholesterol test is clogged with bacon grease, your gut hangs down to your knees and type II diabetes is the new common cold:  everybody has it.  Well, I just cannot let this go on any longer.  If we are going to get things straightened out with this health care system, you fatties are going to have to toe the line (and be able to touch your toes while you're at it)!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Jerry Brown Addresses California Budget Deficit

Dear Citizens of Kalifornia,

I regret to inform you that we are currently running a budget deficit of approximately 666 trillion dollars.  I am not quite sure how are deficit managed to balloon higher than that of the federal government, but this obviously presents us with a bit of a problem.  Quite frankly, unless we find some way to close this deficit in short order, we will face a situation where even Mexican municipal bonds will be worth more than our paper.  For those of you out there in Berkeley, this means no one will lend us money any more and we won't be able to send you your monthly checks from Sacramento.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

President Obama discusses Congressman Darrell Issa

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Comrades,

As you are well aware, the mid-term elections did not go quite as I had hoped.  While I have managed to temper My displeasure with those of you in My administration who failed to properly communicate My Greatness to the amerikkkan people, I am prepared to offer My gracious forgiveness to you.  As usual, My magnanimous offer will come with a price.  One of you will have to do something about this buzzing gnat of a Congressman Darrell Issa for Me.