From the desk of Nancy Pelosi:
To: Kim Jong Il
Dear Great Divine Leader Il,
I hate to be forward, but I am a modern woman and you are, of course, a more than modern man. I must admit that I have followed your career for a number of years and have become a great admirer of your brilliant leadership of the North Korean people. After seeing your latest displays of virility in dealing with the obnoxious right-wing goons in South Korea, I believe the time has come for me to approach you directly. You see, I have a problem, and I believe that you are the solution.
As you are surely well aware, considering your Divine Omniscience, my political party, the Democrats, who aspire to make the United States into the same type of workers' paradise as your own enlightened North Korea, recently suffered some rather severe setbacks. The Republican party, who support the South Korean capitalist pigs that oppose you, have taken control of a number of governmental positions which rightfully belong to we progressives. While this sort of thing does happen from time to time, I am confident that I will soon be able to rectify the problem. What I need help in dealing with is the actions of some of my fellow Democrats following our recent setback.
As you of course are aware, considering your World-Renowned Wisdom, the other two leaders of the Democratic Party, Senator Harry Reid and President Obama, are attempting to place the blame on myself. I suppose this is typical, considering that I am a woman, and not just any woman at that. I am of course beautiful, intelligent, charismatic, and beloved by the people of this country from coast to coast. Harry Reid and Obama are just engaging in the typical misogynistic blame game the good old boys network always uses when something goes wrong. Just blame a woman and pretend that you're all right. Yet when you really look at it, who is more of a simpering little cry-baby than those two? I'd be surprised if you could find an ounce of testosterone between the two of them. Reid simpers and whines while Obama bows and kow-tows. And then they want to blame me when the American people try to find a real man to lead them, even if it is crying John Boehner.
This brings me to my real point, Oh Great One. What I need around here is a REAL MAN. I am sick and tired of playing nursemaid to all these namby-pamby mama's boys and then taking the blame when they can't take the heat. So tell me, Kim Jong, how do you feel about moving to California? I tell you, they would just LOVE you here in San Fran! You would be the man! Why, we've been idolizing you for years here! Never mind that wuss Obama, you could be our One True Messiah! All you need is someone to pave the way for you, to smooth things over, to make sure you have no problems with residency. All you need is a Congresswoman to marry.
As I said, I'm beautiful, petite, stay in good shape, and of course I know how to please a man. I could be your very own San Francisco Treat! In return, all I would need is your help on the local political scene. I know that you could get it done. You know how to handle dissent and right-wing, capitalist, war-mongering criminals like the Republicans. Just make a few "disappear" and the rest will fall right into line. I know, it's a shame that you cannot actually be President yet, but once you manage to get me installed then I can get right to work on amending the Constitution so that you can have a turn! In the meantime, you can enjoy the sun and surf as only California can deliver. It'll be a blast, I tell you!
So, what say we hook up in Hawaii this coming weekend? I can give you a little "taste" (wink) of what you'll have to look forward to, we can get your paperwork started, and you can go ahead and provide me with some of the manpower and hardware to take care of my problems over here. Hey, you've worked with Burma and Iran, now you can work with San Fran Nan! We'll be the perfect team. Just have your people get with my people and we can be having a private party in Waikiki this Saturday night. I look forward to seeing you there, after all the raves I've heard about your Divine Love Stamina!
Your true admirer and future "best friend with benefits",
Democratic Party Leader Nancy Pelosi
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