Total Pageviews

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

President Obama Retains New Special Envoy to Negotiate Peace in Far East

From the desk of Neville Chamberlain:

To United States President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear President Obama,

I am deeply gratified that you have chosen me to negotiate a peaceful resolution to the current troubles taking place in the Pacific Far East on your behalf.  I assure you that I have both great expertise and enormous experience in such matters, and that I have already proffered to the Chinese and North Korean governments terms which will soon bring all hostilities to a close.  I am happy to report that both the Chinese and North Korean governments have indicated that they are willing to accept these terms, and upon the implementation of my plan they will consider all questions settled with no need for armed hostilities.

I have assured the Chinese, who seem to be the major players in this matter, that the United States is willing to make certain territorial concessions in order to avoid armed conflicts.  The Chinese have indicated pleasure in learning this, and have indicated that they too wish to avoid armed conflict.  Thus I have taken the liberty of proceeding with a series of offers on our part, with accompanying guarantees from the Chinese, which should settle this matter once and for all.

First of all, the island province of Taiwan will be returned to the People's Republic of China.  The Chinese have long ruled this island, and while there are legitimate grievances on both sides in this case the lesser must bow to the greater.  There are, furthermore, a large number of ethnic Chinese on the island of Taiwan, whose welfare is the rightful concern of the People's Republic.  Hence it is in the best interest of all parties involved to return Taiwan to the rule of the mainland.

Secondly, the Korean peninsula must be re-unified.  Once again, this is a major and non-negotiable demand of the People's Republic of China.  I must add that in this matter I have been able to gain major concessions from the Chinese.  They agree with our position that Kim Jung Il and his progeny are not the leaders to bring a united Korea into the twenty-first century.  They have assured me that once the unification is complete, they will ensure that Kim's dynasty is removed and that more competent leaders will be installed to guide the Korean Peninsula.  I believe that we can all agree that this arrangement is for the best for all parties involved.  It will avoid the prospect of a devastating war on the peninsula, and will allow the people of North Korea to enjoy a more benevolent set of rulers than they have in the past.  It is true that the South Koreans will have to make certain concessions; the Chinese have, however, assured me that they will institute a plan of governance parallel to what they have put in place in Hong Kong, which should be acceptable to the South, especially when the alternative is war.

I have further assured the People's Republic of China that the Yellow Sea will now be considered an exclusive economic and military zone of China by the United States and her allies.  The U.S. will refrain from sending any naval elements into the Yellow Sea, and will recognize this exclusive zone when the Chinese delegates place it before the United Nations.

The Spratley Islands, Senkoku Islands, and Guam will all remain issues to be resolved at a later date.  While I was not able to reach final agreements in regards to these territories at this time, my Chinese counterpart has assured me that this current round of negotiations has been so successful that he sees no reason we cannot come to an agreement on these issues in the near future.  He also assures me that with these concessions the People's Republic feels certain that there will be no need for any armed conflict in the region.

While these concessions may have their detractors back home in the United States, I ask you to consider what price you would pay if you did not come to terms with the Chinese.  Would it truly be worth it to shed the blood of American servicemen for people on the other side of the world, whose customs and language are strange to us, and to whom we owe no legal debt?  Surely not!

Yes President Obama, I have obtained peace in our time.  With this signed document in my hand I have assured that you will not have to face the grim specter of war with the peace-loving people of China.  I agree that the price has been high, but when you consider the alternative, no price is too high for peace.  I believe you have already indicated that you agree with this assessment, and that you will find this arrangement to be a smashing success.  I know this type of diplomacy has always worked well for me in the past.

Your friend and admirer,

U.S. Special Envoy Neville Chamberlain

No comments:

Post a Comment