From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama,
Dear Komrade Citizens,
Once again, it's that time of year, when we get together with friends and family to celebrate that great holiday which brings us all together, Kwanzaa! Sure you white folks out there have got that whole christmas thing, and you jews have whatever that business is where you light all those candles, but what Amerikkka really needs is a holiday that brings out the best in all of us. And of course the best of all of us is Me, and Kwanzaa is my holiday, so time for you folks to get on the bus or go under the bus, your choice.
Kwanzaa is about a lot of things. One thing Kwanzaa is about is "Umoja", which means "unity". Well if there's one thing we need these days, it's unity. Look, here I am trying to save you people from the sins of your racist forefathers, and what do I get for My troubles? Griping, complaining, moaning and a republican congress. For crying out loud people, what about unity? How am I supposed to implement My Great Agenda for this country when I've got a half-wit federal judge (from a racist, southern state, of course) mumbling some mumbo-jumbo about the "constitutionality" of My health care bill. How can we have unity when I have to put up with John "Crying Game" Boehner as speaker of the house? We need to get back to unity! As a result, I call upon all the newly elected congressmen to switch their party affiliation to Democrat and swear their allegiance to Me, which is their reasonable duty as true patriots.
Another big part of Kwanzaa is "Ujima", which means "collective responsibility". This means that all you white folks out there need to go ahead and admit what a bunch of racists you are. After all, no black man ever owned a slave! No African ever practiced slavery! Your white european ancestors introduced slavery into this world, and it's high time you admitted it and took responsibility for their actions. I call upon all you white people to admit your true racist nature and to repent. How can you repent? Vote for Me! Only I can save you from your terrible sins of racism. When you vote for Me then I can expunge your guilt, at least until the next election cycle.
Next up I want to talk about "Ujamaa", which means "cooperative economics", which is a huge part of Kwanzaa. I am doing My best to spread the wealth around, and I need your help. It's time for those rich folks out there to pony up some more dough. I need to stimulate this economy, and I need to do it now! Why just the other day I almost had $48 billion for day care in Kansas City, until a bunch of you greedy republicans out there shot down the omnibus spending bill! Obviously you don't care about the children at all! Also, you can help out by sending in as much money as you can to My campaign fund. If you find you're going a little over the federally regulated limit, just go down to the corner quick mart and get a couple of money orders in Grandma's name. She won't mind, and neither will I!
Finally, I want to talk to you people about "Imani", which means "faith". I hear an awful lot about faith these days, but faith in whom? Look, let's get real people, nobody's going to come down from heaven and pay your mortgage for you. If you want a faith that's really going to save you, you have to have it in the right place. That's right, you need faith in President B. Hussein Obama! You need to believe that I AM the WAY to be SAVED from your sins of racism, that I CAN bring PEACE ON EARTH by emptying Gitmo and surrendering Afghanistan and Iraq, that I WILL lead you to heaven on earth through wealth-redistribution and that I HAVE turned your swords into condoms with the repeal of don't ask, don't tell. Yes, your faith in Me and my Divine Wisdom is what is needed if we are to defeat these evil republicans and faithless federal judges. Remember, the constitution is nothing but a bunch of words on paper, but I AM the Living Embodiment of All you Must Adore! Choose Me and My Way, and all will be well for you.
So remember, keep your Kwanzaa Spirit going by reading the African Pledge, and remember, I AM the reason for the season.
Joyous Kwanzaa!
President for Life B. Hussein Obama
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