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Thursday, December 30, 2010

President Obama Lists New Year's Resolutions

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Comrade Citizens,

At the beginning of a new year, I find it helpful to make a to-do list for the upcoming months.  Many of you lesser mortals refer to this sort of thing as a "new year's resolution".  I refrain from using this sort of terminology as it would tend to imply that I have something to improve upon Myself, which is of course not the case.  I have no areas in which I can improve, except for possibly better communicating to you my vast intellectual superiority.  Still, I believe this is really your fault, because the fact of the matter is I am simply trying to communicate ideas beyond your limited abilities to comprehend.  Still, let's not get all technical here.

At any rate, since I cannot improve what's already perfect (Myself), I will improve what's all messed up, this pathetic country, and you, it's pathetic, bitter-clinger populace.  As I stated earlier, this is really more of a "to-do" list, but since you people insist on this whole "resolution" business, by all means call it that if it helps you understand what I'm saying.  Unlike you mere citizens, who can only manage to concentrate on one area of improvement at a time, I have an entire laundry list of things which I intend to fix about this country this year.  So, in no particular order, here they are.

First of all, we need ten dollar a gallon gasoline prices.  We are never going to save the planet from global warming while you bunch of nimrods insist on driving your gas-guzzling SUVs and pick up trucks all over the place.  My good friends with the Saudi Royal Family have assured Me that if I continue to block domestic oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, allow the EPA to regulate Texas out of business, and block nuclear and coal powered energy production, there is no doubt oil prices will skyrocket.  They assure Me that they have no problem with this, and since you rednecks won't be able to drive around all day at the new price per gallon for gasoline, we will immediately reduce carbon emissions.  All in all I think I'm already off to a good start on this item considering the current price at the pump.

Next up, we need to get down to business and start accepting the reality of Sharia law in this country.  Truly enlightened nations across the globe have recognized that only the words of the True Prophet (Peace be upon him) can bring us to Allah (Peace, dude, be upon Him).  Once this nation gets over its bigoted, Euro-centric, racist, Judeo-Christian fixation and learns to embrace the true path, it can finally begin to experience enlightenment.  My fine federal judge in Oklahoma has already established the clear path to victory here, legislate from the bench.  Since the courts have already expelled the Judeo-Christian ethos from our official political culture, and since nature abhors a vacuum, it should be simple to instill Sharia in the land.  I expect there may be some resistance from you blasphemers against the true way out there in flyover country, but I know you'll come around, especially once the BATF and IRS start having a closer look at your churches.

Third, I am going to put an end to this business of amerikkka as the sole super power once and for all.  The new START treaty is a good start towards this end.  We are not going to have missile defense, so get used to the idea.  I look forward to continuing my program of downsizing the air force and navy as well.  Once amerikkka finally realizes that it is the true cause of evil in the world, then you will accept the justice and necessity of your humiliation before the more enlightened eyes of Iran, China and North Korea.  It is high time that the Noble Socialist Peoples' Paradises of the world no longer need to fear the military of the putrid amerikkan imperialists.  By the time I am done the amerikkkan military machine won't be able to conquer Trinidad, much less continue to threaten the peace loving people of Syria and Northern Sudan.

Finally, as Joe Biden has already stated, gay marriage is inevitable.  I know some of you may think this is not compatible with Sharia, but as the Great Potentate of All Wisdom, I can make it happen.  Don't ask Me to explain how, you wouldn't understand it anyway.  You're just going to have to take My word for it, which is your responsibility to Me, your Great Leader.  Hear Me now, believe Me forever!

So have a great new year as we usher in the next phase of My Grand Plan for amerikkka as a successful socialist workers' paradise!


President for Life B. Hussein Obama

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