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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Kathleen Sebelius Explains Avastin Decision

From the desk of United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius:

Dear Comrade Citizens,

As you are well aware, my department has been conducting an extensive survey of the so-called cancer drug Avastin.  While we did find that this drug has been used by many physicians in treating cancers of the colon, kidney, lung, brain, ovary and breast as well as providing promising results in the treatment of macular degeneration, it is our finding that these physicians have been guilty of malpractice and malfeasance.  With my expert training in the field of public administration (I have a Masters degree!) I have been able to determine that this drug is in point of fact completely ineffective.  The only reason that these doctors have chosen to administer it is therefore quite clear:  It is an extremely expensive drug and they are receiving kickbacks from the sinister forces which run this nation's drug companies.

Our Great Leader, President Obama, has already brought this type of behavior to the nation's attention during the campaign, when He warned us against those unscrupulous and greedy surgeons who will happily remove your appendix and tonsils for no good reason when you are perfectly healthy.  And why do they do it?  For the money, of course.  By the way, I don't think I have to mention just how many of these doctors are Jewish.  It's high time somebody brought these money-hungry medical vampires to justice, and I am just the woman to do it!  Now that I am in charge, there will be no more dispensing of these ridiculously expensive drugs, no more greedy doctors making a killing with their Jewish kickback schemes, and no more drug companies raking in their obscene profits.

We have been getting a lot of flack here about women calling in suggesting that I am insensitive to the needs of breast cancer patients.  Well buck up ladies, it's time to quit crying and get proactive!  Look, every year you have your silly little "race for the cure" business, and you go around wearing those ridiculous pink ribbons, and everybody wants to hug a "survivor".  For crying out loud, let's go ahead and look at the real problem:  It's those stupid, giant udders that so many of you insist on carrying around everywhere on your chests!  Look, I'm a successful, beautiful, intelligent, universally beloved civil servant, and I've been happy with my A-cup all my life.  So what you crybabies need to do is go ahead and get yourselves preventative masectomies.  You go around getting all the guys to ogle your stupidly gigantic B, C and (UGH!) D cups and think you are oh-so-great, until you get the big C.  Well face it, you had it coming, didn't you?  You could have had those stupid giant things lopped off years ago, but you were just too proud of them, weren't you?  Well whose fault is it now?

So honestly, do you really think bankrupting the country for the sake of your floppy skin-bags is worth it?  Well I sure don't.  And as for all of you who think you're so much better than me since I'm "small" on top, who's laughing now?  After all, with my Master's degree in Public Administration (from the mighty University of Kansas, go Jayhawks!) I know that since I only have an A cup I don't have any risk of breast cancer.

So what do you do?  Chop them off before they can turn on you, then learn to be happy with a flat chest.  I know it can work, it's worked great for me all my life!


Secretary for Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius


  1. The dear leader must be so proud.

    Is it time for the children to march in and sing now?

  2. Well, I don't know about our DICTATOR being a "great leader"- but I had NO idea that the size of one's 'cup' had to do with cancer risk. Is it because cancer is harder to 'detect' in bigger cups? I personally would LOVE to have a reduction- but getting insurance to PAY for it is another thing entirely. I personally don't see why women even WANT anything over an A-cup! Anything OVER that is just excess, and more resembling of cow's t#ts. Disgusting.