From the desk of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law
Dear President Obama,
I am pleased to be able to report to you that my higher-ups within the firm are quite pleased with your progress to date. Your enthusiasm for carrying out your contractual obligations to this firm have indeed been exemplary. If only all of the souls who contracted with us were so zealous in performing their sides of the contracts! Still, there is a small matter we need to discuss regarding the fulfillment of your obligations.
If you will look at section b, subsection ll, line 43, of your contract I believe you will see the point in question. It is not simply enough that you serve us yourself (although, once again, your enthusiasm is truly remarkable); you are obligated to bring the rest of the nation along with you as well. We trust you understand that failure in this regard would be a breach on your part, and would free this firm from some of its obligations (such as Presidency for Life) to yourself.
Please remember, you were offered this contract specifically as a result of your being able to convince lower management that you were a great communicator, as skilled as the thrice-cursed R. Reagan who so long thwarted our goals. You assured our lowest offices that just as the abominable R. Reagan so ably led your nation towards the other side, so you could lead it towards us. Let me be frank. You have received all that you were promised, and now we want what is due us. And some within the firm grow restless, even nervous.
Yes, yes, I know you have done our work. I know that you have secured many initiatives which will deprive your citizenry of their "freedom" (why your race clings so bitterly to such notions is beyond me); that you have secured a national medical plan which will advance our beautiful Culture of Death, taking the unborn, the sickly, the weak and the elderly from your midst (why do you insist on keeping them around, anyway) and inuring your populace to the banality of Our Presence among you. Yes, in all of this you have done our will without fail. But that is not enough.
The other side, in its thrice-cursed "compassion" for your kind, has managed, through measures that were indeed barbaric, to prohibit our firm from taking full possession of your nation and its citizens unless they submit to such possession of their own "free will". Which is where you, Mr. President, come in to play. You MUST convince them to stay loyal to you, and hence to our aims and goals. These mid-term elections of yours are crucial to those goals. If too many of our mutual colleagues are removed from power and replaced by those thrice-cursed servants of the other side, much of our great work might be undone. This, of course, would result in a breach of contract upon your part, regardless of your personal service to us. Hence I must insist that you do all within your considerable power, given to you by us for our purposes, to see that those loyal to our side prevail in the upcoming election. Please remember what is at stake for you personally in this matter. I am sure you are well aware of the reputation this firm has established towards those who breach their contracts with us.
Now, enough with such unpleasant matters. A certain Mr. S. Alinsky sends his regards from our lower offices, and assures us you are on the right track. So, keep your pride up and your thoughts down, and all should turn out just as we desire.
Your friend and supporter,
D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law
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