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Monday, November 1, 2010

A Deal for New Congressmen (and women)

From the desk of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law:

Dear Freshman Class,

My oh my, but this has been an interesting election.  I suppose you might say that I've been dealt a few lemons this time around, but you know what they say, so here's my chance to make some lemonade.  Now, I know many of you have arrived here in D.C. with a somewhat jaundiced view of my fine old firm.  Let me assure you, there is no need for such a gimlet eye.  You are all winners, and as we all know, everyone loves a winner.  So might I suggest that you take a little time to savor your victory, and then remember that old proverb that to the victor go the spoils.  I would like to suggest to you that truer words have never been spoken.  So why don't we take a few moments to discuss those spoils?

Now, first of all, let me assure you that although you have won your seat fair and square, there will be no shortage of people trying to take it away from you.  Unfortunately that has always been the way of your poor, misguided race.  What someone else has, someone else wants.  Consider, furthermore, all the good and noble deeds you have come here to perform.  If you lose your seat to some unscrupulous, conniving rival all your work and sacrifice will have gone for naught.  Is that what you really want?  What you need is someone who knows the ropes in this city, someone who knows the players and the games, someone who knows how to get things done.  You need someone like me.

I assure you, my services will come with no strings attached.  There is no need to worry about any sort of contractual obligation.  Quite frankly, your money and power hold little appeal to me.  Oh, I can see how such baubles might charm for a while, but I look for something far more valuable.  At any rate, I would like to take this opportunity to offer my services as a consultant.  You may, of course, feel free to disregard my advice whenever you see fit.  That is always an option, although one that few who are wise in the ways of this great city choose to exercise.  I can direct you on the path to lasting power, not a mere two-year stint and then a plane ticket home in disgrace.  I can show you how to be a long-term success in this town.

I realize you may be a little suspicious of such an offer from my firm.  Let me assure you that you have nothing to fear from us.  I want only what is best for you and your great nation.  All that I ask in return is that you listen to my advice.  As stated earlier, you are free to ignore it.  But I assure you, that I have learned from long practice, the more you listen the more you will follow my advice.  Why?  Because I can make you into what you really want to be:  A true master of the levers of power.

After all, isn't that why you really came here?  Oh, many of you make pretentious claims about "public service".  Well of course that generates votes back home, but those of us here in D.C. know better, now don't we?  Face it, you are smarter and wiser than your countrymen back home.  If not, why would you be here?  It's time to show just how wise you truly are by accepting this humble, pro-bono offering on the part of my firm.  I assure you, you will incur no debt or obligation, so what harm could it possibly do?

So, let me offer you a little free advice right now that will make your transition to this city ever so much more pleasant, and increase your time in office:

First of all, many of you ran as "pro-life" candidates.  Certainly I can appreciate the need to run on such a platform.  After all, I know you have to impress the so-called "value voters" back home.  I assure you, running as a "pro-life" candidate in no way disqualifies you from working with our fine firm.  Why, such senate stalwarts as Ben Nelson and Harry Reid have run as "pro-life" candidates, along with that remarkable congressman Bart Stupak.  Just remember, just because you have to run on a certain platform back home doesn't obligate you to any course of action here in D.C.  And let's face it, if it was your daughter who had a little "accident", would you want to punish her with a baby?  Of course not.  Let's face it, there are too many unwanted children out there already sucking up the resources of this wonderful world.  So let's not be too melodramatic about the whole thing.

Look, you don't have to commit to anything on this whole business anyway.  I have found that the surest way to discover the truth is to take the middle position between two extremes.  Okay, you don't have to support partial birth abortions (the court will take that out of your hands anyway).  Just accept some reasonable instances when it's an unfortunate necessity.  Just admit that it's sometimes for the best.  Just advise your constituents that while your personally against it, you cannot legislate morality.  Believe me, they'll understand and appreciate it.  You will grow in office, and they will happily vote for you again and again.

Furthermore, what is all this worrying you carry on about over the deficit.  So what if your country is carrying a load of debt.  After all, so is everyone else.  Sure, your constituents tell you they want you to balance the budget, but what do they really want to give up themselves?  Not much, that's what.  If you do cut spending programs that they love, what will they do?  Vote for the other guy who's angling for your job, that's what.  Do you really want to stick around up here?  Then forget about cutting spending.  You'll be voted out in a heartbeat.  I strongly suggest that you consider increasing the revenue stream instead.  Yes, they'll moan and complain a little about higher taxes, but when they see all the wonderful programs they get for their money, your people will be pleased as punch!  There will be a few holdouts, of course, but don't worry.  My firm projects that they will soon be a permanent minority, with the permanent majority beholden to you for bread and circuses.  And when they're beholden to you then they have no choice but to vote for you, which means you can stay in this city just as long as you need to in order to complete your good works.

There are many other areas where you will, of course, need expert guidance in the ways of this city.  You need a consulting firm with the experience and expertise that only I can provide.  And please, let me stress once again, there are no strings attached.  I have only your best interests at heart.

Please be advised, should you decline the offer of my continuing consulting services, I will of course be forced to extend it to someone else.  Perhaps even to that unscrupulous fellow we all know is lurking in the woodwork, salivating at the opportunity to take away the seat you have only just won.  Do you want him to win it from you in two short years?  Of course not.  So please, accept my offer early before I am forced to render my services available to your opposition instead.  I can only hold this offer open for a few short hours.  I look forward to our being able to work together.

Your true friend,

D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law

1 comment:

  1. So glad that those Republicans are actually fighting abortion.