From the desk of United States Attorney General Eric Holder:
To: All Department of Justice Employees
Dear Comrades,
As members of the Department of Justice, our number one priority is to prevent acts of terrorism, especially acts of terror that may be carried out on American soil and against our citizenry. That being the case, my office has coordinated its anti-terror efforts with the Department of Homelands Security to identify and neutralize the top terror threats against the United States and its people.
Our office has determined that anti-governmental activists currently comprise the most dangerous group of individuals likely to carry out terrorist attacks in the United States. Following closely on their heels in posing a threat to the U.S. Government is the so-called "Pro-Life" movement, whose radical opposition to certain legal and perfectly safe medical procedures has led to many serious incidents. Finally, we must be aware of the large racist majority of the inner states of this country, and the terror threat posed by their continued resentment of an African-American President sitting in the White House. The bubbling cauldron of race-hatred which is clearly evident amongst the bitter clingers of fly-over country is a perpetual source of fodder for the terrorist recruiting arms of certain dangerous home-grown terror groups.
Having identified the problem, it is imperative that we implement a solution immediately. I have consulted with the best minds throughout the President's cabinet, and we have developed the following plan of action:
First, we will re-instate the Fairness Doctrine, with an update for the modern age, Net Neutrality. We have discovered that the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy against our government has coalesced around the leadership of certain individuals who hog the radio airwaves, preventing the spread of constructive messages from the President with their egregious attacks upon his person and platform. Currently we have three main topics in our sights, namely Rush Limbaugh (public enemy number one), Sean Hannity (public enemy number two) and Glen Beck (public enemy number three). It is our belief that if we can neutralize the influence of these anti-government agitators through use of the Fairness Doctrine we will go a long way towards defusing the current animosity so much of the populace is directing towards the President and his great agenda.
My staff psychologists have assured me that the American people are not actually capable of coming up with the ideas we have heard of late from the so-called "Tea-Party" on their own, and that some outside force must be turning them into mind-numbed robots with these ideas. It has become clear that the source of these pernicious and seditious thoughts is the medium of talk-radio, with additional psychic infection occurring through the medium of the internet. Thus, once we shut down the airwaves and the internet to these malefactors the American people, being unable of critical thought on their own, will quickly fall into line.
The matter of the so-called "pro-life" movement will be addressed by Tim Geithner and the IRS. Secretary Geithner assures me that he will be able to "strongly influence" church leaders who are currently speaking out against abortion through repeal of their churches' tax-exempt status. He has explained to me that "the power to tax is the power to destroy", and that rather than risk the destruction of their religious empires the vast majority of pastors, preachers, priests, etc. will quickly fall into line. He did admit that there will probably be a few holdouts, but suggested that if he comes down especially hard on them it will present a lesson to the rest about the dangers of promoting their pernicious anti-state doctrines. I have assured him he will have the full support of our department in this effort.
Finally, Education Secretary Arne Duncan has put together a new information packet for the public schools which we will be implementing immediately. As part of "Black History Month" this February, all white students in public schools will be required to publicly admit the sins of their forefathers and publicly renounce their ancestors' values. As they are made to feel the true shame that any white American should for their universal racism, they will come to appreciate that the only path to redemption lies in their whole hearted support of President Obama and his Great Agenda. They will also be instructed on the proper methods for educating their parents in this regard, and given information on methods to report anti-state activity that other family members may be involved in directly to school authorities, who will then forward it to this department. It is my sincere hope that we can establish the sort of true patriotism in these young people that will lead them to see how they must be willing to renounce their families and embrace our Great President if they are to be truly free of their racist heritage.
These are just a few of the items we will be implementing in short order. In the meantime, please remember to keep an eye out for any suspicious activities by any of your overly Christian or Republican neighbors. Good hunting.
Sincerely,
United States Attorney General Eric Holder
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