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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

New Year's Advice From Your Sponsor

From the desk of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law:

Dear President Obama,

I must say, I am quite impressed.  Following the unfortunate turn of events in your country's mid-term elections, many of the lower downs to whom I answer in this Great Firm were fully convinced that we had "bet on the weak horse", so to speak.  There was a growing sense that you were out of time and out of ideas.  But lo and behold, you had aces up both sleeves!  Your mastery at mustering your forces through the "lame duck" session of Congress was simply brilliant to behold.  Truly, our side was amazed, having not seen such tactical brilliance since our man from Austria launched his lightning campaign seven decades ago.  In just a few short weeks you gained enormous swaths of territory from our common enemy, simultaneously weakening the resolve of your country's fighting forces and legitimizing the previously stigmatized wretches who dare not speak their love's name.  Likewise, your ability to convince your own domestic opposition to lie down before the threat of a renewed menace from Comrade Putin was simply brilliant.

What has struck me as even more brilliant, however, is your determination to accomplish our mutual goals without regard to the outcomes of these ever-so-annoying elections.  We saw the Republicans manage to block net neutrality, cap and trade, and death panels being enacted into law.  Yet you brilliantly retorted "so what" and simply instituted all of these policies through executive direct action, proving once again that you are just the man we've been looking for.  Even Bill Clinton didn't have the chutzpah to pull that kind of thing off!  Truly, to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat as quickly and deftly as you have these last few weeks is breathtaking.

That being said, I think there are some lessons to be learned here.  First of all, don't put too much stock in the outcomes of elections.  Let's face it, our people lost the vote big time in November.  Yet you simply stood your ground and took it to the enemy!  And what did you learn?  That you don't need to pay any attention to election outcomes or Congressional votes.  You don't have to worry about the petty legalists who want to see policies enacted into law before you put them in place.  All you need to do is take direct regulatory action and leave Congress out of it altogether.  You did it, and what price have you paid?  None at all, that's what.  So why not keep it up?

Just think of it.  You know the old saying "the devil is in the details"?  Well I can tell you for a fact that is absolutely true.  And who knows more about details than your vast army of Washington bureaucrats?  What you need to do is simply enact every piece of our agenda that you can think of immediately through executive directives and agency regulation.  After all, even if the Republicans try to block you, how many hearings can they hold at one time?  You have thousands upon thousands of bureaucrats at your command for every Republican Congressman.  They may try to take out a few of our initiatives, but there is no way they can even begin to address all of them.  Truly our name is Legion!

Now about this "election" business.  Here's a thought:  You lost the election, but you still enacted your agenda.  So why bother with this ridiculous election business to begin with?  You know Chavez, Castro, the Royal House of Saud and so many other heroes of yours don't worry about this sort of thing.  Are you less of a man than any of them?  Certainly not!  So why worry about the outcome in 2012?  Just take command and cancel the whole thing.  I know our mutual friend Bill Ayers has already spoken with you about this.  The New York Times is ready to support you on this, along with the rest of your traditional media giants.  The people need a Leader, someone who isn't afraid to do what has to be done, regardless of who stands in his way!  You can be this Leader!  All you have to do is take the full reigns of power.  They are yours for the taking, just do it!

Okay, that's enough for now.  Tell Michelle I said hi, and give my best to the kids.  By the way, I'd really like to talk to you later about a book deal.  Something about your goals and how you'll get there, maybe "My Struggle" or something like that.  I'll have my people get with your people.

Your friend and admirer,

D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law

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