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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Nancy Checks Her Agenda Book

From the desk of Nancy Pelosi:

To:  House Democratic Caucus

Dear Fellow Democratic Congresspeople,

All right, time to face facts.  We've got a lot to accomplish, and not much time in which to get it done.  That being the case, I believe we need to prioritize our agenda to make sure our remaining days in the majority are spent in as useful a manner as possible.

First of all, as to President Obama's request to extend the Bush tax cuts for millionaires:  Stick in you ear, Barry.  We signed off on everything you wanted for the last two years.  EVERYTHING.  You wanted stimulus, I stimulated you.  You wanted health care, I was your own personal Nurse Ratched.  Anything and everything you wanted, I did.  And where has it gotten me?  John "The Crying Game" Boehner is stealing my job, that's where!  So if you think I'm going to give you two more years of the same tax cuts that caused this recession to begin with, forget it.  You want to know what I'll give you?  Look at the finger next to the ring, bub.  Yeah, that one.

Our main focus is going to be the omnibus spending bill.  What goes in?  Everything!  You want it, you got it.  We're going to have more pork here than a Hawaiian Luau.  By the time those Republitards get here next January there won't be anything left for them TO spend.  Let's see them justify tax cuts when the federal deficit triples over the next twenty days!  Make sure all of these goodies are going to our usual supporters.  No big red-state spending, no jobs for white guys, no money for new military equipment.  Everything is going to the public sector unions, and it all goes now.

While we're at it, California is sinking in red ink.  You think the Republijerks are going to help them out?  No, they're loving every minute of it.  What we need to do RIGHT NOW is go ahead and send the bailout money to California and New York.  Hey, Florida and Texas, you think all these new Republicans in Congress are a good thing?  Well then I'll go ahead and send all the money you've saved up to bail out Jerry Brown!  How do you like those apples, suckers! 

While we're at it, we need to make sure Don't Ask Don't Tell gets repealed.  I want drag queens in tanks, and I want them now!  I want transvestites in submarines, fetishists in fighter jets and boy-toys with bombs!  While we're at it, let's rename it the "Aquamarine Corps" and start mandatory bull-whip training!  If that doesn't teach them whose really in charge around here, nothing will.

I think that sums up most of my agenda for the coming days.  Of course, if you have any suggestions, just earmark some money for them and dump them in the omnibus bill.  It's not like we have to read the thing anyway.


Once and Future Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi

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