From the desk of Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Lisa P. Jackson:
Dear Comrades,
Following the recent, so-called "lame duck" session of Congress, it was our hope that we would see the passage of our much needed cap and trade legislation. However, due to the pressing needs of reducing our missile defense through START and integrating open homosexuality into the military culture, our leaders were unable to find sufficient time to achieve this goal. As a result, we are now faced with a perilous situation which demands our immediate attention.
If you have been keeping an eye on the weather, you will have noticed that we have blizzard conditions creating havoc across much of the nation, and bitterly cold temperatures even as far south as New Orleans and Florida. After close consultation with Our Great Leader President Obama, and The Oracle of the Climate Albert Gore Jr., it is my conclusion that these devastating weather patterns are a direct result of global warming. While it may seem counter-intuitive to blame blizzards and record cold temperatures on global warming, both of the Great Leaders with whom I consulted assured me that is the case. Just as I have placed my faith in these Great Ones and accept their word on the matter, so will you. We have no choice but to do so if we are to avert the imminent catastrophe before us.
In order to avert disaster, we must implement extreme measures. As a result, carbon dioxide will now be regulated as a hazardous gas and subject to EPA regulations. I realize that we have not yet been granted statutory authority to implement this action, but Attorney General Eric Holder assures me that we are well within our rights to take this action in view of the current crisis.
As part of our regulation of carbon dioxide, we will take numerous actions. First of all, all coal-fueled power plants currently in use will have their hours of operation sharply curtailed, or in some instances be shut down altogether. There will likewise be an immediate halt to all building of new coal-fueled power plants withing this nation. We will also reduce the use of natural gas by fifty percent, effective immediately. Oil refineries in Texas and Louisiana will have their production rates reduced by thirty-three percent effective immediately. Likewise, an energy fee (this is NOT a tax, and therefore does NOT require Congressional approval) of one-dollar per gallon will be added to the pump price of all gasoline and diesel fuels. The burning of wood or other biomass fuels in residential stoves or furnaces is likewise deemed to be an immediate threat to the environment, and is hereby prohibited. It is our prediction that if we immediately and successfully implement these measures there is still an off chance of saving the planet.
I have received some feedback from a few of my subordinates that these policies may lead to some loss of human life. Please be aware that those subordinates are now looking for new careers, which is not a comfortable position to be in considering the present unemployment rate. If some of you are still harboring such concerns, however, please be aware that some loss of human life is inevitable if we are to save the planet. After all, who is responsible for greenhouse gas pollution if not humans? Furthermore, human beings exhale carbon dioxide each time they breathe, which makes each of them a de facto polluter and thus a violator of EPA regulations. So yes, we may lose a few people in the implementation of these policies, but it will be for the greater good and salvation of the planet. And after all, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.
So remember, Gaia is counting on you and so am I!
Sincerely,
Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Lisa P. Jackson
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