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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Janet Napolitano Expands TSA to Wal-Mart

From the desk of Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano:

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers:

My crack staff here at Homeland Security has been reviewing the skill level, training methods and general aptitude of our outstanding TSA agents.  Having conducted this review, we were surprised to discover that our agents have almost the exact same credentials and training as Wal-Mart greeters!  This should be a great comfort to our happy air travelers, as Wal-Mart is one of the most successful corporations in the history of humanity.

Since Wal-Mart has such high standards for its greeters, we have elected to join with Wal-Mart in a joint program that will enhance national security and improve air travel safety.  As you may have seen in the news, Wal-Mart greeters are generally better regarded than TSA agents, and unfortunate result of too much negative coverage from the right-wing press that dominates this country.  To counter this imbalance, all Wal-Mart greeters will be trained in TSA consumer control methods.  So the next time you set off an alarm as you exit the building, don't bother protesting that your cashier didn't get all the tags off your merchandise.  Instead, just get ready for your very own enhanced pat-down!

Remember, Wal-Mart is a private company, so its corporate staff can legally require you to check your civil rights at the door, just as the TSA does when you board an airliner.  It is our expectation that as more and more Americans become accustomed to being briefly stopped and searched by our specially trained greeters, they will come to understand that this is the price we pay for safety and bargain basement pricing.  Just remember, when those gloved fingers reach your "junk", just please turn your head sideways and cough twice.  If you relax and don't resist it will be quicker and easier for everyone involved.

Our staff psychologists assure me that this process of conditioning the populace at large to our procedures is just the thing we need to do in order to solve our air travel image problem.  They have explained to me that people can get used to most anything over time, so long as the change is gradual and the governing powers provide a plausible explanation.  We all know that terrorism and shoplifting are the two greatest threats to our safety, and that it is necessary to sacrifice our freedoms if we desire to be safe.  Thus, our Wal-Mart initiative will be quite useful in conditioning the general public to give up their freedoms in exchange for our promise of safety.  After all, it's not like you little people out there are doing anything worthwhile with your freedoms anyway.

So, look forward to seeing you soon at you nearest Wal-Mart Super Center!  As they say in the local vernacular, can you feel me now?


Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano

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