From the desk of Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano:
Dear Citizens,
I am pleased to announce that we made it through the Thanksgiving holiday without a single terrorist attack on any of our airliners. Obviously our use of x-ray scanners and enhanced pat-downs has been a smashing success. I realize that some unpatriotic demagogues out there have tried to make an issue of the fourth amendment, but that amendment is irrelevant to these security measures for two reasons. First of all, it only protects against unreasonable searches. Obviously when our security is at stake, any search is reasonable and therefore allowable under the fourth amendment. Even if that were not the case, however, it is important to remember that air travel itself is a privilege, not a right. You are already well aware that the public at large checks your rights at the gate along with your luggage. Once you pass that security checkpoint Constitutional rights no longer apply to individual citizens. I realize this is unfortunate, but it is the price we must pay for safety. Be assured, however, that once you have traded your rights away for our guarantee of your safety, the TSA will take excellent care of you.
Since our airport screening procedure has been such a success, we will be expanding it to bus, train and ship travel as well. You may soon look forward to our professional and discrete service on any type of mass transit you may choose to employ. Our ever growing cadre of top-flight professional pat-down specialists are gloving up even now to guarantee your safe arrival at your destination. On a related note, please be aware that it will no longer be advisable to wear shoes with laces, under-wire bras, or prosthetic devices of any type when traveling by plane, train or boat.
I have also discussed the matter of public safety with our Great Leader, President Obama, and pointed out to Him that just recently two misguided extremists of undetermined origin and unknown religion attempted to detonate car bombs in this country; one in New York City's Times Square, the other in Portland, Oregon. His Greatness the President advised me that He believes driving is a privilege, not a right. Upon checking with numerous states' attorneys general, I discovered that this is true across the nation. As a result I have coordinated with Attorney General Eric Holder to have teams of thousands of TSA agents across the nation deputized as Federal Marshals and empowered to stop motorists on interstate and state highways as well as city streets and even dirt roads, where applicable. As they do not yet have portable x-ray machines available, these agents will use enhanced pat-downs to check for explosives or other dangerous devices when pulling motorists over. Remember, driving is not a right, and this is the price we must all pay for safety, so please give these agents your full cooperation.
It was then brought to my attention by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton that in many countries terrorist simply walk to their destinations. Upon verifying this information to be correct, I have determined to further authorize special TSA teams to randomly stop pedestrians and administer enhanced pat-downs. After all, we can never be too safe. Please remember as well that resistance to a TSA agent carrying out his/her job duties is a felony punishable by up to life in prison and a $100,000 fine.
Since we will now be stopping random motorists and pedestrians for enhanced pat downs, it would be advisable for you, the general public, to ensure that your children are aware of the procedure and submit correctly. Please make sure that they understand that TSA agents are not "strangers", and are fully authorized to "touch them there" when conducting an enhanced pat-down. Do remember that ignorance is no excuse under the law, and that children may be prosecuted in juvenile court if they fail to comply with TSA pat-downs.
I believe this wraps up the briefing for now. Remember, safety first.
Sincerely,
Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano
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