From the desk of Greatest Ex-President Ever Jimmy Carter:
To: President B. Hussein Obama
Dear President Obama,
I see that you are having a bit of trouble here lately with this whole Korean War thing. Looks like the whole mess could blow up in your face. Not the sort of thing anybody really wants to see happen, of course, especially not when we've got a fine young progressive Democrat like yourself in office. Being as I have had quite a bit of experience myself in dealing with hostile foreign powers, I thought I might give you a bit of much needed advice on resolving this situation.
First and foremost, make sure that Kim Jong Il and his generals in North Korea understand that under no circumstances will you allow United States forces to take military action against them. If there is one sure way to set off a war, it's to let foreign powers think you might actually try and bomb them or shoot them or some such nonsense. You and I both understand that violence only begets more violence, and that two wrongs don't make a right, and that you should always turn the other cheek, and that anybody who would actually use violence to resolve a situation is a poor, dumb, redneck slob who isn't capable of the enlightened thinking that you and I take for granted. Once Kim Jong Il understands that you will never use violence against him, he will be much more relaxed, and as a result far less likely to resort to violence himself. Quite frankly, I imagine the main reason he's been firing off so much ordnance lately is that he's worried we're going to attack him and he needs to get in the first shot while he can. So once you understand that, you see it's really the United States' fault that he shelled that island. Not that it's your fault, mind you, I'm certainly not saying that. This is obviously a bad situation you inherited from that cowboy Bush.
Next up, please make it clear, preferably through a prime-time news conference, that you do not consider North Korea to be part of any "axis of evil" or other such nonsense. This use of labels and name-calling is of course typical of Republicans, but we progressives are aware of how pathetic and counter-productive such language truly is when applied to other countries. It is a truism that only he who is without sin can cast the first stone, and we both realize that the United States is so full of sin that it will never be justified in criticizing any other country. Oh, I realize that North Korea may have a few small issues with human rights, but when you compare that to the way this country treats minorities, immigrants and the poor, North Korea is a virtual paragon of justice. We need to quit blaming others and start fixing what's wrong with our own country. The sooner we come to understand that America is the problem, the sooner we can begin to get the people of this backward country to accept the solution. Of course you and I understand what that solution really is, but there's no need to start talking about that just yet.
One other thing while I've got your attention. Watch out for the rabbits. They're everywhere. Beady little red eyes and big, gnashing teeth. Swimming for you, pawing at you, biting, chewing, screaming death rabbits. They're out there. That creep Nixon must have been keeping a whole clutch of the things under a nuclear reactor somewhere. I can't get away from them. I need the pills now. Maybe the pills will let me sleep a little while tonight. Until the rabbits come.
Your friend and admirer,
Greatest Ex-President Ever Jimmy Carter
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