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Monday, December 27, 2010

President Obama's New Year's Letter to the Troops

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Comrade Service People,

It is My great pleasure to announce to you that I have begun to institute a series of reforms that will greatly enhance the value of the united states armed forces in resolving world conflicts.  In the past, the united states military has been a bastion for an unfortunate and unseemly elitism which has taken many forms.  The military of this sadly under-educated country has long insisted on maintaining an air of superiority to the rest of the world, insisting that this country is somehow better than others.  Yet while maintaining this arrogant posture, the united states military itself has been guilty of the most vile and heinous forms of discrimination, which shows the posturing of its members to be a hypocritical sham.  Fortunately I have come along, and with My Great Wisdom have begun to correct the virtually infinite faults of this corrupt military culture.

First of all, I am enormously proud to announce that it is now perfectly acceptable for any person of any gender to serve in the military openly, without regard to sexual orientation or preference.  As a result, not only will there now be atheists in fox holes, there will be transvestites, transgendered persons, she-males, fetishists and even the occasional coprophiliac.  All of this should be a big boost to your morale, since you will be relieved of the burden of maintaining your irrational prejudices against those in our society who enjoy other types of love.

In order to accelerate the inclusion of this diverse new population into your military culture, My dear wife Michelle has begun to act as a fashion consultant with your providers of uniforms and gear.  Michelle assures me that you will now be allowed to select from a wide array of uniform colors, each one of which will support your special feelings on a particular day.  Soon you will be able to mix and match separates in special indigo, day-glo pink, and tie-dye uniform separates with your more traditional drab colors.  Michelle has also discovered that your current rifles are made of plastic, and that they can be delivered in a wide variety of colors as well.  We can hardly wait to see how smart you'll look parading in purple mini skirts while carrying your new pink rifles.  Michelle has some super ideas for the ladies as well!

I must admit that it's been a bit problematic to find enough funding to provide the new wardrobe and makeup kits that our new service persons have been promised, but Secretary Gates has been able to come up with the money.  He has discovered that by canceling the F-22 Raptor, F-35 Lightning II, all new nuclear submarines, and putting off repairs and oil changes for our tanks, he can order enough rouge and lipstick to keep all platoons looking great for another twenty years!  So don't worry, I am looking out for your interests here in D.C.!

So all in all, it should be a great new year for an all new military.  No longer will you be required to obsess over pointless abstractions such as duty, honor and victory.  Now you can set yourselves free to be the truly self-expressive sexual adventurers you always wanted to be, all without fear of any discrimination or prosecution.  When other countries see the great example we set, you can be safely assured that this war business will be a thing of the past.  All you need to do is let everyone know you're there to make love, not war, and the united states will no longer be hated as it has been in the past.  And it's all thanks to Me, your Great President, and my tireless campaign to bring an end to discrimination.  So go ahead and party like it's 1999!

Your Commander in Chief,

President for Life B. Hussein Obama

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