New Don't Ask, Don't Tell Guidelines from the CNC

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To: The Joint Chiefs of Staff

Gentlemen,

I would like to clarify my position on the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy currently implemented by our military forces.  I realize that our service people are often stressed by their extended deployments into the war zones where that cowboy predecessor of Mine deployed them.  This stress, however, is NOT an excuse for continued bigotry, hatred and homophobia to be exhibited by our armed forces, and I intend to put a stop to it immediately.


I am issuing an executive order that will allow homosexuals, lesbians, bisexuals, transsexuals, sado-masochists, bondage fetishists, bestiality enthusiasts, and non-practicing pedophiles to serve openly in the armed forces of the united states.  I expect this order to be implemented immediately by all branches of the armed forces, both here in the u.s. and in all areas where deployed abroad.  Please be aware that this is a direct order from your Commander in Chief, and that failure to comply WILL result in a court martial for any and all who rebel against My authority.

There are some areas where "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" will be implemented, however.  First of all, when dealing with the religious affiliation of service people on active or reserve duty, you should never question whether their religious affiliation might interfere with their loyalty to the united states.  This is especially true in the case of Muslim service people, who have been maligned, slandered and discriminated against on a routine basis by those of you serving in the military.  Please be advised that if a service person chooses to identify himself/herself as a "Soldier of Allah" that is his/her personal choice, and you should neither ask him/her about such a title nor expect him/her to explain it to you.  Only when you have demonstrated that you can cease and desist from persecuting the religion of peace can we bring an end to this interminable conflict.  Remember, no justice, no peace.

Furthermore, if it comes to your attention that some of your subordinates may be leaking certain files to certain websites, you should institute a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.  So what if it gets out that Bush broke the law on a regular basis?  Didn't I say that all along?  So if some patriotic young soldier wants to release documents showing that I was telling the truth, isn't he really doing his duty to Me?  Thus, don't ask your men what they are doing with classified documents, and don't tell any congressional committees if they release those documents to a certain website we are all familiar with.  Once again, this is a direct order from your Commander in Chief.  Respect My authority!

I hope this clears the matter up.  Hopefully this will bring an end to all forms of discrimination in our ranks.  Finally, in response to the concerns expressed by General Petraeus, no I do NOT believe that having a military comprised of brave sexual pioneers serving in Muslim countries will present any problem in dealing with the locals.  And if it does, you had better bring them into line in a hurry.

Your President for Life,

B. Hussein Obama