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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hillary Clinton's Letter to Santa

From the desk of United States Secretary of State Hillary Rodham-Clinton:

Dear Santa Claus,

I am writing you this letter to let you know that I have been very good this year, and as a result am expecting certain rewards in return.  In my line of work this is generally referred to as a "quid pro quo" arrangement.  While I understand that some people find such arrangements to be unsavory at times my research indicates that this is your standard operating procedure.  I of course understand the necessity of such an arrangement (anyone who'd been married to Bill very long would understand it) so please do not think that I am accusing you of anything unsavory.

As I stated, I have been very good this year.  There have been no "Vince Foster" incidents, and I can assure you that I have never, ever, ever used a cigar on an intern.  I have refrained from throwing things at certain people, and I have not punched a single secret service agent in years.  I have done my utmost to be a good Secretary of State in the present administration.  I must admit, it has not been easy.  The sad truth is that I really am the one who takes all the 3 a.m. phone calls now, while a certain somebody else takes all the credit.  Of course, it's not like I'm not used to doing all the work while some man gets to be President and take all the credit.  Actually, that's what I'm writing to you about.

A certain someone stole the Democratic nomination away from me when it was rightfully mine, and then won in a year when no Democrat could lose.  Then that certain someone finally got MY health care initiative passed, which I have been working on since that certain someone was in an Indonesian grade school, and then he took credit for all my hard work.  On top of that, this certain someone allowed all sorts of state secrets to be leaked to some girly-man Eurotrash freak.  A lot of these state secrets made me look bad.  Not because I WAS bad, mind you, but just because I was doing my job as Secretary of State.  This certain someone has hung me out to dry in this whole mess, and all because he's so afraid I'll run against him in 2012.

So what do I want for Christmas?  I want what's mine.  I want vindication.  I want a shake up.  Could I please have a little scandal delivered to a certain someone?  Something cheap, tawdry and embarrassing?  Something the vast right-wing conspiracy will pick up on and run with?  Something that might even lead to an impeachment?  Maybe even a birth certificate from Kenya?  Please?  Pretty please?  Pretty please with sugar on top?

Look, I know I haven't been a perfect person in the past.  But it's hard being a woman in this town.  I always have men taking credit for all my hard work, and then I get blamed whenever there's a problem.  I got blamed in '94 when the Republicans took Congress.  I got blamed for U.S. foreign policy in Wikileaks.  I'm sure that a certain someone will try to blame me for what just happened in the last election.  Frankly, I'm sick of it.  Santa, you owe me.  I have been GOOD this year.  You specifically issued a general contract offer to provide certain goods and services to anyone who meets a certain level of behavioral standards.  Well I did it this year!  We have here offer, acceptance and consideration, as well as a meeting of the minds.  This is a legally binding contract, and I demand that you deliver your end of the bargain!

So for Christmas I want this jerk in the White House to get what he deserves.  I want him humiliated and impeached.  I want everyone to hate him even more than they did George W.  I want him gone, gone, gone.  And then I want my turn to run things, so that once and for all I can show all those arrogant men out there how a real WOMAN can handle things!  I can fix this country in no time.  Hey, if I can hold a marriage to Bill "take a number ladies" Clinton together, then I can hold this country together.  So Santa baby, make it happen.  I look forward to seeing the birth certificate in my stocking this Christmas morning.


United States Secretary of State Hillary Rodham-Clinton

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