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Sunday, January 2, 2011

President Obama discusses Congressman Darrell Issa

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Comrades,

As you are well aware, the mid-term elections did not go quite as I had hoped.  While I have managed to temper My displeasure with those of you in My administration who failed to properly communicate My Greatness to the amerikkkan people, I am prepared to offer My gracious forgiveness to you.  As usual, My magnanimous offer will come with a price.  One of you will have to do something about this buzzing gnat of a Congressman Darrell Issa for Me.

Having reviewed My options, there are a number of ways in which we can approach this problem.  First of all, however, it is imperative that you understand the gravity of this situation.  I have no intention of letting some two-bit tea-bagger from podunk amerikkka disrupt my Grand Plan with his pathetic investigations and threats to hold up funding for My Great Health Care Initiative.  I assure you, I will not hesitate to throw just as many of you under the bus as I need to if Congressional investigations become a problem.  I will then back the bus up and run over you repeatedly.  Are we clear?

First of all, Timmy Geithner has assured Me that there is a great deal he can accomplish using the IRS.  Even now he is preparing a Mongol Horde of auditors to look into Issa's personal and office expenditures.  Timmy also assures me these auditors will be looking into the finances of Issa's immediate and extended family as well, along with those of any of his close friends and business associates.  Timmy assures Me that once Congressman Issa's wife, parents and children are all facing audits and criminal investigations from the IRS he will become much more manageable.  I expect nothing less than complete success from you Timmy, as I know you understand all there is to know about getting taxes done properly.

Just in case, however, Eric Holder assures me that his minions at the DOJ are looking into the possibility that some of Issa's staffers may wish to file sexual harassment complaints against him.  Additionally, the DOJ will be looking VERY closely at Issa's campaign finance reports.  Eric assures me that between these two fronts it is almost certain he will find something useful when dealing with Issa.  After all, he shouldn't be investigating us if he doesn't want us investigating him.

Covering additional ground for us will be Secretary of State Hilary Clinton.  Hilary has assured Me that she has in her possession certain files from her time in the White House.  She has indicated that these files are quite extensive, and that she is hopeful that they may be culled for important information about Congressman Issa.  She has indicated, however, that her research into these files is going slower than she would like due to the fact that Sandy Berger left certain stains all over them.  I'm not certain what she means by that, and quite frankly I don't really want to know.

Finally, my good friend Bill Ayers is available if needed for a last ditch effort.  Bill assures me he has some "explosive" info that will shut Issa up once and for all.  I know that some of you have expressed some reticence to employing Bill and his "direct action" techniques, but the fact is that he's just the man to get the job done when no one else is up to it.

Okay everybody, you've got My game plan, so get to work.  Remember, just because you didn't win the election doesn't mean I have to give up power!

Your Comrade in the Struggle,

President for Life B. Hussein Obama

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