From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:
January 23, 2011
Dear Democratic Congresspersons,
I wish to advise you of my supreme disappointment with the performance of our party in the election last November. Now that the Republicans hold a forty-five seat majority in the House of Representatives, as well as controlling fifty-three Senate seats, my aides tell Me that My agenda will have to be curtailed. Quite frankly, this is unacceptable. Regardless of the cost in blood and treasure, My agenda, which will be for the Ultimate Greater Good, must go forward.
Since we no longer hold the numerical advantage necessary to advance our agenda through normal parliamentary procedures, I have been forced to resort to more drastic measures. Thus I am instituting a policy of hand-to-hand combat when dealing with the enemies of My Greatness, the thrice-cursed Republicans.
I am well aware that some of you are beginning to lose courage in My Grand Design. I realize that some of you, being aware of the fact that I had previously promised hand-to-hand combat in these circumstances, have begun to traitorously whisper that the outcome of such a tactic is in doubt; some of you even expressed the heretical thought the Republicans, those jackal sons of monkeys, might prevail. Allow Me to address the fears of your feeble hearts in this matter.
First of all, yes, I am aware of the incident that took place November 2nd in Florida, concerning a former Army Lt. Colonel by the name of Allen West, who has since been elected to congress. Yes, I am aware of what happened to the members of Our Brethren, the members of the New Black Panthers Party, who attempted to intercept Colonel West at the polling office while addressing him as an "Uncle Tom" (which, quite frankly, I find completely justified in the case of ANY person of color running as a Republican) while waving a nightstick in his general direction. I am well aware of Colonel West's unbelievable overreaction, and no, I would not have thought it would be possible to turn a nightstick sideways and shove it that far up any orifice of the human body. Rest assured, however, I have been assured by local medical professionals that all six of the New Black Panthers are expected to regain the use of most of their upper body within a year. And yes, I am aware that an internal poll conducted by our minority leaders has indicated that you will not engage Colonel West in hand-to-hand combat even if you outnumber him twenty to one. Fair enough. Perhaps we can schedule the combat for a day when Colonel West will be absent from chambers.
I am also aware that many of you are concerned that the elections of Jesse Kelly, Nick Popaditch and Duncan Hunter will prove disastrous to My Plan. I speak the Truth to Power when I say that I abhor your cowardice. Somebody tell Nancy Pelosi to man up! I assure you, I have it on good authority, that the so-called "training" these men went through during their time as US Marines is entirely overrated, and that you will easily overcome them if you stick together. I am tired of this whining and crying. Have I not led you to one legislative success after another? And now, that so many of you have, through your own fault, let Me down by losing your seats, the remainder refuses to fight? Cowards!
In response to the other question I received: No, I will not be available to personally lead you into hand-to-hand combat against these Republican swine. It would not be fitting for the Office I hold to be seen engaged in fisticuffs with that rabble. Which is why it is up to you to take care of it for Me, just as you have done My bidding in the past. Now get to it!
Your President for Life,
B. Hussein Obama
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