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Sunday, October 31, 2010

President Obama Addresses the Nation After the Election

December 6, 2010

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To the ungrateful citizens of Amerikkka,

I must say, I am thoroughly disappointed in this childish outburst of yours.  Only two short years ago my beautiful wife, Michelle, was finally, for the first time in her life, able to be proud to be a citizen of this country.  Now, in this petulant outburst of an election, you have taken that away from her.  Do you honestly feel good about yourselves today?  As a result of your outburst she will have to spend even more time on the French Riviera, naturally at taxpayer expense.  Yes, I know it's a lot of money, but you brought this on yourselves.  After all, if she cannot be proud of this country, can you really expect her to hang around here and listen to all your constant badgering of Me, her loving Husband?

We really had something good going in this country, and you ruined it.  You had to go and give seventy seats in the House and ten seats in the Senate to those racist, reactionary Republicans.  What on Earth were you thinking?  Do you know what those people are up to right now?  Well neither do I.  I suppose they'll want to shut down health care and kill all the old people first thing.  After that they'll want to cut out all the wonderful stimulus spending that has been the saving force in our economy the last two years.  And on top of all that they are probably going to be holding hearings to investigate the fine work Eric Holder has been doing over at the Department of Justice.  It would be enough to give Me indigestion if I were susceptible to the same ailments as you puny mortals.  This indignity is insufferable.

Already poor Harry Reid looks like the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz.  He's shriveled up to practically nothing, and just wanders around muttering something about "gone with the wind", whatever that means.  I was hoping to at least get some good work out of him in the lame duck session, but he's just gone and quit on me.  At least he's better off than poor Nancy Pelosi.  What I can't believe is that it was our own fellow Democrats that did that to her.  When those seventy Congresspeople found out they had lost their jobs they turned on her like a pack of rabid dingos.  It was like they blamed her for some reason, which is absurd.  Everybody knows this is really the fault of the redneck rubes out there in flyover country who insist on voting Republican.  I've got to get that message across to these people.  Some of them are starting to look at me the same way they did poor Nancy right before they went to town on her like Idi Amin on a missionary.

On top of everything else my staff is deserting me.  At least Gates is still around over at Defense, although I'm never quite sure what he's up to.  I guess I've more or less let him have the run of the place over there while I concentrated on fixing this messed up excuse for a country.  And of course there's still Biden.  Good old Joe, My perfect insurance policy.  Want to get rid of me?  Want to try and take down The Man?  Think you can impeach Me?  Go ahead and try.  What if you get lucky and somehow do get enough votes in the Senate to remove Me?  Then you get President Joe Biden.  Oh yeah, you really, want that, don't you?  Well, I didn't think so.  And people think I'm a rookie.

I see I do have a message here from Bill Clinton.  Something about triangulation, listening to Dick Morris, and letting the government shut down to force Congress to come into line.  Yeah, right, he's definitely angling to try to give Hilary a leg up on Me in 2012.  If there's one thing I know, it's stay with what got you here.  Healthcare, stimulus, bailouts and downsizing the military worked fine for me in 2008.  There's no way I'm giving them up now.  I know how to stick with a winning hand when I have one.

So here's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to stay the course.  Right now you people are just scared and confused, mostly because you can't understand My brilliance.  That's all right, it's not really your fault.  You've been clinging to those Bibles too long and taking them seriously.  That blinds you to accepting My Infinite Wisdom.  Well, we'll just have to wean you off those ridiculous, antique books.  I'll have Holder look into what we can do about that right away.  In the meantime, don't worry.  I'm not going anywhere, and I have a plan.

Giving you a second chance,

President for Life B. Hussein Obama

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