Eric Holder Addresses Civility, Net Neutrality, and the Fairness Doctrine

From the desk of united states Attorney General Eric Holder:

To:  His Excellency, President for Life B. Hussein Obama, all Department of Justice Employees, all Federal Communications Commission Employees:

Dear Great Leader and Comrades in The Struggle,

I have assembled a crack team of attorneys to address the issues of violence which have sprung up in our nation.  You will be familiar with many of these attorneys, as they are the same team which enabled me to bring the New Black Panthers case to a successful conclusion.  At the direction of Our Leader, His Excellency and President for Life B. Hussein Obama, I have, with the assistance of this team, crafted a plan whereby we may put an end to these violent outbursts which have disrupted our society.


The first thing we must understand is that apprehension of individual criminals will do nothing to reduce the level of violence in our society.  In point of fact, giving too much attention to the prosecution of individual perpetrators of violence is in all likelihood a contributing factor to the rise in violence we have seen of late.  What we must instead do is concentrate on the root causes of violence.  Once we have successfully eliminated the root causes of violence, there will be no more violent outbursts and thus individual prosecutions will become unnecessary and obsolete.

My team has determined that the root cause of violence in our society is the lack of civility in the rhetoric used by those individuals opposed to the Great Master Plan of our Leader, President for Life B. Hussein Obama.  We have determined that every major outburst of violence in at least the last one-hundred years has been a result of overheated, anti-government, right-wing rhetoric.  Of course, the current purveyors of this poison are the aptly-named "Tea-bagger" movement.  Leaders of this movement include such individuals as former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, radio talk show hosts Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, etc., right-wing newscasters associated with the Fox News Channel, and the various pajama-clad bloggers stirring up trouble on the internet.

When determining what course of action to take, my team was heartened by the recent advice of Supreme Court Justice Stephen Bryer, who commented that you "cannot shout fire in a crowded theater."  I believe that we can make an airtight case that the Tea-bagger movement, with its assorted leaders, has been guilty of just this sort of activity.  Their incessant and boorish criticism of His Excellency, our Leader in the Struggle, has been the source of growing incivility and violence.  The quickest and surest way to end this violence is to remove its source, hence the removal of the leaders of the Tea-bagger movement, along with as many of the rank and file as necessary and expedient, is the surest way to end this strife.

His Excellency has advised me that He is prepared to declare the Tea-bagger movement a "clear and present danger" to the united states of amerikkka.  As a result, He will re-instate the Fairness Doctrine via executive order, and enlarge it to include cable and satellite broadcasts of all types.  We will co-ordinate this action with the FCC's new net neutrality policy to immediately shut down any and all broadcasts critical of Our Leader and His Struggle.  Any resistance to the implementation of this policy will be dealt with by armed agents of the BATFE.  I am disappointed that my employees in the FBI and U.S. Marshal service have been overly reluctant to carry out my orders in this matter, but the BATFE apparently has no such qualms.  Of course they will be properly rewarded when the next round of budget increases is enacted.

If you have any questions as to the implementation of this policy, please feel free to direct them to your immediate supervisor.  Please remember, this operation is classified, and no member of Congress, especially members of the opposition, are to be made aware of it prior to zero-hour implementation.  Failure to comply with this directive is of course a felony offense, and will be dealt with in the harshest manner.

Your Comrade in The Struggle,

united states Attorney General Eric Holder