President Obama Lists New Year's Resolutions

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Comrade Citizens,

At the beginning of a new year, I find it helpful to make a to-do list for the upcoming months.  Many of you lesser mortals refer to this sort of thing as a "new year's resolution".  I refrain from using this sort of terminology as it would tend to imply that I have something to improve upon Myself, which is of course not the case.  I have no areas in which I can improve, except for possibly better communicating to you my vast intellectual superiority.  Still, I believe this is really your fault, because the fact of the matter is I am simply trying to communicate ideas beyond your limited abilities to comprehend.  Still, let's not get all technical here.

New Year's Advice From Your Sponsor

From the desk of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law:

Dear President Obama,

I must say, I am quite impressed.  Following the unfortunate turn of events in your country's mid-term elections, many of the lower downs to whom I answer in this Great Firm were fully convinced that we had "bet on the weak horse", so to speak.  There was a growing sense that you were out of time and out of ideas.  But lo and behold, you had aces up both sleeves!  Your mastery at mustering your forces through the "lame duck" session of Congress was simply brilliant to behold.  Truly, our side was amazed, having not seen such tactical brilliance since our man from Austria launched his lightning campaign seven decades ago.  In just a few short weeks you gained enormous swaths of territory from our common enemy, simultaneously weakening the resolve of your country's fighting forces and legitimizing the previously stigmatized wretches who dare not speak their love's name.  Likewise, your ability to convince your own domestic opposition to lie down before the threat of a renewed menace from Comrade Putin was simply brilliant.

EPA Regulation of CO2 as Greenhouse Gas

From the desk of Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Lisa P. Jackson:

Dear Comrades,

Following the recent, so-called "lame duck" session of Congress, it was our hope that we would see the passage of our much needed cap and trade legislation.  However, due to the pressing needs of reducing our missile defense through START and integrating open homosexuality into the military culture, our leaders were unable to find sufficient time to achieve this goal.  As a result, we are now faced with a perilous situation which demands our immediate attention.

President Obama's New Year's Letter to the Troops

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Comrade Service People,

It is My great pleasure to announce to you that I have begun to institute a series of reforms that will greatly enhance the value of the united states armed forces in resolving world conflicts.  In the past, the united states military has been a bastion for an unfortunate and unseemly elitism which has taken many forms.  The military of this sadly under-educated country has long insisted on maintaining an air of superiority to the rest of the world, insisting that this country is somehow better than others.  Yet while maintaining this arrogant posture, the united states military itself has been guilty of the most vile and heinous forms of discrimination, which shows the posturing of its members to be a hypocritical sham.  Fortunately I have come along, and with My Great Wisdom have begun to correct the virtually infinite faults of this corrupt military culture.

Hillary Clinton's Letter to Santa

From the desk of United States Secretary of State Hillary Rodham-Clinton:

Dear Santa Claus,

I am writing you this letter to let you know that I have been very good this year, and as a result am expecting certain rewards in return.  In my line of work this is generally referred to as a "quid pro quo" arrangement.  While I understand that some people find such arrangements to be unsavory at times my research indicates that this is your standard operating procedure.  I of course understand the necessity of such an arrangement (anyone who'd been married to Bill very long would understand it) so please do not think that I am accusing you of anything unsavory.

Kathleen Sebelius Explains Avastin Decision

From the desk of United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius:

Dear Comrade Citizens,

As you are well aware, my department has been conducting an extensive survey of the so-called cancer drug Avastin.  While we did find that this drug has been used by many physicians in treating cancers of the colon, kidney, lung, brain, ovary and breast as well as providing promising results in the treatment of macular degeneration, it is our finding that these physicians have been guilty of malpractice and malfeasance.  With my expert training in the field of public administration (I have a Masters degree!) I have been able to determine that this drug is in point of fact completely ineffective.  The only reason that these doctors have chosen to administer it is therefore quite clear:  It is an extremely expensive drug and they are receiving kickbacks from the sinister forces which run this nation's drug companies.

President Obama's Holiday Letter

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama,

Dear Komrade Citizens,

Once again, it's that time of year, when we get together with friends and family to celebrate that great holiday which brings us all together, Kwanzaa!  Sure you white folks out there have got that whole christmas thing, and you jews have whatever that business is where you light all those candles, but what Amerikkka really needs is a holiday that brings out the best in all of us.  And of course the best of all of us is Me, and Kwanzaa is my holiday, so time for you folks to get on the bus or go under the bus, your choice.

Eric Holder Speaks Out on Defending America

From the desk of United States Attorney General Eric Holder:

To:  All Department of Justice Employees

Dear Comrades,

As members of the Department of Justice, our number one priority is to prevent acts of terrorism, especially acts of terror that may be carried out on American soil and against our citizenry.  That being the case, my office has coordinated its anti-terror efforts with the Department of Homelands Security to identify and neutralize the top terror threats against the United States and its people.

Nancy Checks Her Agenda Book

From the desk of Nancy Pelosi:

To:  House Democratic Caucus

Dear Fellow Democratic Congresspeople,

All right, time to face facts.  We've got a lot to accomplish, and not much time in which to get it done.  That being the case, I believe we need to prioritize our agenda to make sure our remaining days in the majority are spent in as useful a manner as possible.

Lawyers for Obamacare Speak Out

From the desk of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law:

To:  President B. Hussein Obama

Dear President Obama,

Well, I must admit, we did not see this one coming.  Granted, my firm has been around for eons, but that doesn't necessarily mean we can see the future.  The other side generally reserves that privilege for himself, which is typical as he refuses to play fair when fighting against us.  But enough complaining, we'll just have to soldier on and make this work.

Judge Strikes Down Obama Health Care Law

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama,

To: The american people

Dear Citizens,

As you are probably aware by now, today a rogue federal judge in Virginia erroneously found My Great Health Care Initiative and Mandate to be unconstitutional.  Not only did this rogue judge legislate from the bench in ruling against Me, he also issued an injunction against putting this Great Leap Forward into place while My administration appeals his ridiculous ruling.  This action by Judge Henry Hudson has left me no choice but to move to Plan B for the implementation of my Health Care Initiative.

No Cupcakes for You!

From the desk of First Lady Michelle Obama:

To:  U.S. Department of Education Secretary Arne Duncan

Dear Secretary Duncan,

I was just speaking to my husband (your boss) the other day, and told him how upsetting it is to me to see all these little children in our public schools who are just as fat as a bunch of little pigs.  It is disgusting, and I want something done about it.  Barry said he thought I was right, and that I should get on it right away, so that's just what I'm doing.  I've come up with some suggestions for you to put into place, and Barry says he's behind all of them, so I'm sure you'll be behind them also.

New Don't Ask, Don't Tell Guidelines from the CNC

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To: The Joint Chiefs of Staff

Gentlemen,

I would like to clarify my position on the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy currently implemented by our military forces.  I realize that our service people are often stressed by their extended deployments into the war zones where that cowboy predecessor of Mine deployed them.  This stress, however, is NOT an excuse for continued bigotry, hatred and homophobia to be exhibited by our armed forces, and I intend to put a stop to it immediately.

Janet Napolitano Expands TSA to Wal-Mart

From the desk of Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano:

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers:

My crack staff here at Homeland Security has been reviewing the skill level, training methods and general aptitude of our outstanding TSA agents.  Having conducted this review, we were surprised to discover that our agents have almost the exact same credentials and training as Wal-Mart greeters!  This should be a great comfort to our happy air travelers, as Wal-Mart is one of the most successful corporations in the history of humanity.

Jeremiah Wright Applies for Farm Settlement Money

From the desk of the Rev. J. Wright

Dear United States Department of Agriculture,

I see that a Federal Judge is finally making you do the right thing and pay money to all of the poor African American farmers that you have been robbing, stealing from, and generally looting and pillaging all of these past four hundred years.  The judge is, of course, many days late and many dollars short, but at least it's a starting place.  We African Americans know how it is with you folks there in Washington D.C. and your crooked ways, and it's time to set things straight.

Nancy's Christmas Gift

From the desk of Nancy Pelosi:

Dear American People,

Well, you went and did it, didn't you, you bunch of arrogant rednecks!  Here I've been busting my cute little can for the last four years to undo all the damage that deranged cowboy Bush and his Republican cronies did to this country, and what do you do but take away my Speaker's gavel.  As if you have any right!  I worked hard all my life to get where I am, and you took it away just because you were mad at that amateur hour clown Obama!

TSA Expands Reach of Grope

From the desk of Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano:

Dear Citizens,

I am pleased to announce that we made it through the Thanksgiving holiday without a single terrorist attack on any of our airliners.  Obviously our use of x-ray scanners and enhanced pat-downs has been a smashing success.  I realize that some unpatriotic demagogues out there have tried to make an issue of the fourth amendment, but that amendment is irrelevant to these security measures for two reasons.  First of all, it only protects against unreasonable searches.  Obviously when our security is at stake, any search is reasonable and therefore allowable under the fourth amendment.  Even if that were not the case, however, it is important to remember that air travel itself is a privilege, not a right.  You are already well aware that the public at large checks your rights at the gate along with your luggage.  Once you pass that security checkpoint Constitutional rights no longer apply to individual citizens.  I realize this is unfortunate, but it is the price we must pay for safety.  Be assured, however, that once you have traded your rights away for our guarantee of your safety, the TSA will take excellent care of you.

Jimmy Carter Has More Advice for Obama and Friends

From the desk of Greatest Ex-President Ever Jimmy Carter:

To:  President B. Hussein Obama

Dear President Obama,

I see that you are having a bit of trouble here lately with this whole Korean War thing.  Looks like the whole mess could blow up in your face.  Not the sort of thing anybody really wants to see happen, of course, especially not when we've got a fine young progressive Democrat like yourself in office.  Being as I have had quite a bit of experience myself in dealing with hostile foreign powers, I thought I might give you a bit of much needed advice on resolving this situation.