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Monday, October 25, 2010

Obama says Republicans to be relegated to "back seat"

News item:  Obama says Republicans to be relegated to the "back seat".


From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama

Dear Voters,

As you are aware, just a couple of weeks ago I stated that Republicans will be relegated to the back of the bus.  As you are aware, there are certain strong cultural connotations to that particular rhetoric.  While some has suggested I misspoke, let Me assure you that what I said was indeed on My teleprompter, and hence exactly what I meant to say.  Republicans are to be relegated to the back of the bus.

Obviously, by Republicans, I mean everyone who just voted in yesterday's election.  Following the Republicans' pick up of sixty-five house seats and eleven senate seats, along with their fifty-six per cent of the popular vote, it is clear to Me that many of you have foolishly chosen to disregard My warnings to you in this matter, and must now be relegated to second-class, back of the bus citizen status. 

First of all, as to those of you in the military.  I am your commander in chief.  That means I give orders and you follow them.  Unfortunately, of those of you who somehow managed to get your grasping hands on a ballot (despite Eric Holder's best efforts; I am going to have to have a word with him about letting so many military ballots be mailed out) voted for Republicans by a three-to-one margin.  I am hereby issuing an executive order making those votes a retroactive violation of the UCMJ.  Please be aware that I am quite capable of tracking your votes, especially those of you who voted online.  Courts martial will be convening soon to handle this matter.  I suggest you accept any plea deal granted with you and testify against your misguided comrades.  Remember, naming names will save your own skin.

Now, concerning those states which turned "red" this election cycle:  I will be issuing executive orders shortly suspending all highway funds, education funds, Medicare and Medicaid funds and other Federal disbursements to your states.  You want austerity, I'll give you austerity.  In the meantime, please be aware that your full customary tax receipts will still be due to the Federal government.  At least I'll have plenty of extra money to send to my good friend in California, the newly elected Jerry Brown, to bail out his state. 

Now to all of you bourgeoise pigs who insisted on voting out My people will have a little surprise.  Nancy and Harry have already agreed to My plan for their lame duck session.  They will immediately pass my deficit reduction committee's plan for balancing the budget by 2015.  You may look forward to the immediate revocation of the Bush tax cuts, the revocation of your precious child tax credits, the revocation of your mortgage interest deduction, the revocation of pre-tax deductions for health insurance, and a forty-five per cent decrease in defense spending.  So laugh it up.  All of this falls under "budgetary" items, so your pathetic Republicans in the Senate now can't even filibuster.  My signature will be on these items before you can finish your post-election party clean up.  Let Me know how you like the back of My bus.

Finally, I am issuing an executive order declaring the Tea-bagger movement a conspiracy to overthrow the Federal government.  You can soon look forward to a lengthy visit from the officers I am assigning to Janet Napalitano's office.  This order will make participation in, association with, and direct or indirect support for the Tea-baggers, their movement, their causes and their candidates a retroactive Class B Federal Felony.  Ah yes, it seems the back of the bus looks an awful lot like the inside of a penitentiary, doesn't it?  Well, you were warned.  You have no one to blame but yourselves. 

In the meantime, please be advised that Executive Clemency papers are available for a donation of $5,000.00 each to the DNC and my personal re-election fund.  Full pardons are available for double that amount.  I look forward to seeing your check in My hand soon.


President for Life B. Hussein Obama

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