Keith Olbermann and Sheriff Dupnik Delcare Palin Guilty of Arizona Shooting

Transcript of Countdown with Keith Olbermann from January 12:

Keith Olbermann:  Tonight it is my honor to bring to you Sheriff Clarence W. Dupnik live from Tucson, Arizona.  Good evening, sheriff, how are you doing tonight and how is your investigation going?

Sheriff Dupnik:  Good evening, Keith.  I'm doing great and I'm pleased to announce that we have one of the conspirators in custody, and my department has a working theory of the case which we hope will soon lead to additional arrests.


K.O.  Additional arrests?  So the early rumors that the shooter didn't act alone are actually true?



S.D.  That's right, Keith.  We have identified at least two conspirators who were directly involved in the assassination attempt.  Even as we speak, my officers are coordinating with the FBI and President Obama's justice department to build the case against these additional conspirators.  I am confident we will be able to make additional arrests before this week is over.

K.O.  What can you tell me about these additional arrests?  Can you tell me who these additional conspirators are, and how they were involved?

S.D.  Actually, that's exactly why I wanted to come on your show tonight.  The general public needs to be made aware of this conspiracy and its perpetrators so that they can be on guard against it, and if necessary help bring the conspirators to justice.  The first conspirator I will be asking for an indictment against is Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska and current leader of the Tea-bagger terrorist organization.

K.O.  Well, no surprise there.  That b**** has been my worst person in the world so many times we might as well name the award after her.  So tell us, how was Palin involved in the conspiracy, how deep was her involvement, and what charges will you be bringing against her?

S.D.  Well, Keith, as you know that deranged maniac Palin had put out a map which actually had a cross-hairs target over this Congressional district in the last election.  I believe we can safely assume that map was the catalyst that led to the shooting.  Furthermore, I believe we can make an airtight case that Palin knew the map would lead to the Congresswoman being targeted for assassination, and published it for that explicit purpose.  We also have evidence that Palin used technology she stole from the Air Force while she was governor of Alaska to beam the idea to shoot the Congresswoman directly into the assassin's brain.

K.O.  Seriously?  She did that?

S.D.  That's the picture were getting as we interrogate the suspect.  He insists that someone beamed the idea directly into his head, and I have no reason to doubt him on that.  And if someone did, who is a better suspect than the maniacal terrorist Palin?

K.O.  Who indeed?  After all, there is an Air Force base in Alaska.  It's all starting to make perfect sense now.  But I believe you said there were other conspirators?

S.D.  That's right.  Right now we're also filing an indictment against the voice of hate in America, Rush Libmaugh.  We have reason to believe that he is directly responsible for this attack as well.

K.O.  That's fantastic!  Palin and Limbaugh both going down on a murder rap!  I'm getting tingles up my leg that even Chris Matthews would envy!  What's the evidence against Limbaugh?

S.D.  Well, we know that Limbaugh has been broadcasting hate over the airwaves across this nation.  We also know that his listeners are a bunch of mind-numbed robots incapable of independent thought or action.  That fits the profile of our trigger-man to a tee.  This kid was completely incapable of any independent thought or action, so Limbaugh must have put the idea in his head.  We believe he used the mind control device Palin stole from the Air Force to beam the wave directly into the shooter's head via the radio waves from his EIB network.

K.O.  Incredible, but perfectly believable.  Sheriff, the way you have connected the dots in this case is a marvel of police work!  Sherlock Holmes must be rolling over in his grave with envy at your deductive skills.  Tell me, do you think you'll have any problem making this case in court?

S.D.  None at all, Keith.  My office has already spoken with the shooter's attorney.  His attorney assures us he'll be willing to confirm our theory and testify to it in court once we get him a grant of immunity.  In light of the great damage that Palin and Limbaugh are doing to this nation, and their ability to inspire more violence, I believe it's in the best interest of the people of this country to grant the shooter immunity in exchange for his testimony.  I know a lot of people out there will be upset to see this guy walk free, but if we can get Palin and Limbaugh out of circulation in exchange, it's a trade I would make any day.

K.O.  Agreed on that, Sheriff!  Keep up the good work and keep us posted.