Total Pageviews

Thursday, November 18, 2010

TSA Announces New Screener Recruitment and Training

From the desk of Janet Napolitano:

Re: Recruitment and training of TSA airport screeners.

It has come to my attention that some of our TSA employees have expressed a certain amount of discomfort with the use of full-body scans and the accompanying "grope the rope" or "press the chest" searches that are mandatory for those opting out of our high-powered (but perfectly safe) X-ray machines.  While I appreciate that the use of any new technology may be somewhat disconcerting at first, it is our obligation to make sure that we perform our assigned function flawlessly, without regard for our personal feelings for the manner in which we conduct ourselves on the job.

To expedite this flawless function, I am immediately implementing the following hiring and training policies for our personnel.  Please be advised that Attorney General Eric Holder has reviewed these policies and assures me that they are both legal and Constitutional, and that President Obama has personally expressed to me his full support for these policies.

1)  In all future background checks, we will now give preference to individuals who have arrest and/or conviction records for such offenses as indecent exposure, voyeurism and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  It is the finding of our psychology department that these individuals will be far less likely to flinch from performing their required duties while taking nude X-ray pictures and feeling up passengers.  Additionally, any individual who has been successfully sued for sexual harassment should be given preference in the hiring process, especially if the harassment in question involved "inappropriate" touching.  It is the finding of this office that such individuals have the moxie to do what needs to be done to accomplish our mission.  Finally, extra preference should be given to any individual who meets the above criteria AND is sexually oriented towards members of his/her own gender.  It is our belief that these individuals will be highly motivated to provide an extra-thorough touch to their job performance.

2)  For those screeners who still blanch at doing their duty for their country due to "moral scruples" or other such nonsense, our psychologists have developed a training regimen which they assure me will bring them around in a hurry.  These screeners will be required to view no fewer than four (4) consecutive hours of same-sex pornography (the gender of the performers will be the same as the gender of the TSA screener) at least twice a week.  It is the view of our psychologists that repeated exposure to this material will, over time, break down these screeners reluctance to "get a grip" on their job duties, and thus improve their performance. 

3)  As per our previous guidelines, please be aware that the following groups are considered especially dangerous, and should receive extra attention from our new screening procedures:
  a) U.S. military personnel returning from war zones or headed to war zones.
  b) Individuals wearing garb readily identifiable as christian clergy.
  c) Individuals sporting any button, decal, t-shirt, hat, logo, etc. identifying themselves as members of the "Tea Party" movement.
  d) Elderly or disabled persons using metallic walkers, canes or braces of any sort.
  e) Boy Scouts.

4)  As per previous guidelines, please be aware that any individual wearing readily identifiable Muslim garb is NOT to be subjected to this screening process for ANY reason.  This process is, of course, highly objectionable to practitioners of the peaceable religion of Islam, and could well be construed as profiling.  Any TSA screener found to have coerced or attempted to coerce any Muslim to submit to these screening procedures is subject to immediate termination and criminal prosecution.

I hope and expect these new recruitment tools and training tips will be of the utmost value in carrying out our ongoing mission.  Remember, only you can prevent profiling.


Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano

No comments:

Post a Comment