From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:
To: Keith Olbermann
Dear Comrade Olbermann,
I realize you are currently seeking new employment and thought that this might be a good opportunity for you to show Me what you can do for Me in My Struggle. I have prepared a rough outline of my State of the Union Speech, and would like for you to go over it and tell Me what you think. I realize that you are an ivy-league trained journalist with years of broadcast experience, so I would greatly appreciate any input you might have. If you serve Me well in this endeavor, I might be able to hook you up with a speech-writing job in my cabinet
Your Leader in The Struggle,
President for Life B. Hussein Obama
SOTU draft:
Dear Comrades and amerikkkan citizens,
As I begin another new year as President, I am pleased to announce that My job performance continues to be stellar in all areas. I have saved the economy, rebuilt amerikkka's prestige in the world, brought about the Blessing of Universal Health Care, protected amerikkka from terrorists and bridged the civility gap in our culture. Please listen closely as I elaborate.
First of all, My stimulus project has completely re-invigorated the amerikkkan economy. As I stated at the time, without my stimulus bill the unemployment rate would have gone to twenty-eight percent. That it now stands at only nine percent, give or take, is a huge success on My part, since the rising rate was all Bush's fault to begin with. I might add that without My stimulus plan not only would GM have failed, but so would Ford, Saturn, Honda, Kia, and Toyota. After all, if GM had gone under, people would no longer have trusted cars, so they would not have purchased vehicles from anyone. Thus, when I saved GM I saved all those other companies also. Just ask Paul Krugman, he is really good at explaining how that works.
As for amerikkka's prestige, what can I say? After George W. Bush Jr.'s cowboy antics, the respect for this country in the rest of the world was at an all-time low. I want to assure you that the Presidents of China, Saudi Arabia, Russia and France all assure me that they have much more respect for amerikkka now than they did when Bush was stirring up trouble all over the globe. I look forward already to reading the history books explanation of how I brought amerikkka up from the pit it has inhabited so long, to the sunlit vales of world harmony with our brethren in Cuba, Venezuela, Iran and North Korea. Truly I am a glorious peacemaker!
My Great Healthcare Initiative will soon be recognized for the civilizing achievement that it truly is. Once the government can control your healthcare, I can control everything. I can tell you what to eat, how much to exercise, that you cannot smoke, drink, or have unsafe sex; I can make you do whatever I decide is in the best interest of your health. After all, if I have to pay your doctor bills, then I control any and all actions that might end up taking you to the doctor's office! Soon I will be able to make you over into the people you should be instead of the wretches you are.
Likewise, with the help of Janet Napalitano and Eric Holder, I have been able to crack down on domestic terrorism, especially amongst the Tea-bagger brigades who have blatantly defied my authority and attempted to derail my agenda. Their terrorist activities, which are second only to those of the anti-abortion movement, remain the greatest threat to our domestic tranquility and the rebuilding of amerikkka. I assure you that I will remain ever-vigilant against the Tea-bagger threat, and will continue to have the IRS, DOJ and BATFE monitor and corral their terrorist activities. I am confident that by this time next year I will be able to report that their menace has been completely defeated.
Of course I have restored civility to the national discourse as well. While My opponents are a boorish and vituperative lot, I have remained above the fray, rightfully aloof in My true superiority to the little people with their little thoughts, little words and little actions. I am so amused by your littleness that I can hardly contain Myself, nevertheless I will for the sake of civility. After all, if the only things you have to say are negative, then you bitter-clinging, ignorant, racist, homophobic, islamophobic, anti-choice, redneck, religious zealots should just keep your filthy mouths shut. We need more civility in this country, not your divisive name calling.
In short it is obvious that I am the Best President Every, a True Blessing to this unworthy country, The Leader in The Struggle that will bring about the New Realm which will be so much better than this current tarnished globe. Soon I will bring you a world without pain, suffering, disease or hardship; all hatred will be stripped away, every thought will be sweetness and light, and all will worship Me for the Savior I truly am. In the meantime stop your complaining out there, or My minions will deal with you quickly and severely.
I look forward to another year of your service to Me, your Leader in My Struggle,
Sincerely,
President for Life B. Hussein Obama
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