President Obama Addresses South Sudan Freedom Vote

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To: Organization of Islamic Countries:

Dear Brethren,

As we watch the unfolding events in Sudan, please allow me to be the first to assure you that I share your concerns over the immoral revolt against the  just and lawful government of Sudan.  The Sudanese government has labored against all odds for many years to bring peace and harmony to their country, but the obstinate refusal of the christians and pagans in the southern part of the country to accept the blessings of Sharia has been a constant threat to the stability of that country.  Now I believe we see that our worst fears are coming true in this matter.  I believe we must act quickly, for if this cancer of rebellion against The Prophet (peace be upon his name) is allowed to spread there could be dire ramifications for all of our plans.


First of all, allow Me to explain that I fully understand the problem that the Sudanese government is facing in this crisis.  Here in My own country of amerikkka, our backward and christian-infested southern states are now united in their opposition to My Great Program.  Not only do they insolently oppose me, but some of them, especially those redneck rebels in texas, are actually speaking of "secession", just as is now occurring in Sudan.  The out and out refusal of the christians in my country and Sudan to accept their proper status as dhimmis is an ongoing blasphemy against the revealed will of Allah (peace be upon His name) and is completely unacceptable.

I have instructed My ambassadors to the United Nations to expedite amerikkka's inclusion in support of the many Great Initiatives you are setting forth to prohibit blasphemy and apostasy against The Prophet (more peace upon his name).   I should note that under amerikkkan law treaties can trump the constitution, so once I can convince them to sign onto a treaty prohibiting speech against Islam I will no longer have to deal with that ridiculous first amendment.

Additionally, once my Federal Communications Commission has established full control over the internet through "net neutrality" we will be able to shut down any and all websites propagating or disseminating material contrary to the teachings of The Prophet (peace out! be upon his name).  I believe that once the first amendment is made irrelevant and the net is neutered I will be able to shut down the apostate opposition to Most Holy Islam here in amerikkka.  And once amerikkka is brought to heel the rest of the infidel dogs will quickly fall into line as well.

Just in case My plan does not go off as smoothly as we would all like, I am taking steps to downsize amerikkka's military as well.  Soon the imperialist dogs who bark mindlessly from this country will find that their teeth have been removed.  As the other western nations have already largely disarmed, the weakening of amerikkka will remove the only real obstacle to our plans to bring Islam to the global prominence for which Allah (peace, dude! be upon His name) has destined us.

That is why I find the events in Sudan so disturbing.  Just as we are on the cusp of victory, the pathetic inhabitants of the country's southern region think they can defy us.  If we allow this, it will spread.  If people around the globe see that even a weak, starving, homeless and rag-tag gang of rebels is willing to fight hopelessly and die rather than submit to Allah (peace to infinity and beyond! be upon His name) then their defiance may spark more rebellion.  We must not allow this!  Thus, I assure you that I will prohibit any amerikkkan troops from interfering to protect the devils in southern Sudan, and my ambassador to the United Nations will block any resolutions condemning the actions we all know will be necessary to take against them.  In the coming war we must remember to fight as directed by The Prophet (peace when there is no peace be upon him) in the Holy Koran, and not be restricted by the infidels' rules of the Geneva Conventions.  After all, their women and children will make fine slaves.

Your Friend and Partner in the Holy Jihad,

United States President for Life B. Hussein Obama