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Sunday, January 9, 2011

President Obama Calls for End to Violent Rhetoric

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Comrades and citizens of amerikkka,

In light of the recent treacherous murders committed by Sarah Palin's acolyte, I must call on all of you people who are truly of good will to cease the hateful, divisive and seditious language which has plagued this country of late.  Quite frankly, this violence comes as a surprise to no one who has paid any attention whatsoever to the demagogues of the fascistic Republican party and their willing accomplices on the airwaves of talk radio and Fox news.  It is time for the unpatriotic, bigoted bile which spews from these people to come to an end, by whatever means necessary.

As I have stated before, if My opponent brings a knife to a fight, then I will bring a gun.  You people out there in flyover country had better pay close attention here.  I am tired of having to tell you to clean up your act.  Your insistence on bitterly clinging to your guns and bibles is the root cause of the disease of racism and violence which infects this pathetic excuse for a country.  It's high time I proved to you that I will indeed bring my gun up against your knives, so either end your petulant whining or I'll have to end it for you.

Just as I told My Hispanic friends during the recent campaign, it's time for Me to punish My enemies.  Your incendiary comments are without any shadow of a doubt the cause of the recent shooting that has rocked this nation.  You people are always trying to block My Great Plan for this country and the rest of the world, always screaming and complaining about your so-called "rights" and your pathetic "constitution" which is over a hundred years old, for crying out loud.  How is anybody supposed to understand something that old?  Face it, you just don't know what's good for you, but you will soon enough.  Like I said, I punish My enemies.

I promised you rednecks out there that if you took the Congress away from Me and My party there would be hand to hand combat.  Well now you're going to get it.  I am sick and tired of your violent hate speech and the violent actions of your crazed veterans out there.  One of My congresswomen from Arizona has already assured me this shooter was a veteran of the war in Afghanistan, which of course means this is all Bush's fault.  Of course it's all Palin and Limbaugh's fault also, but don't worry, there's plenty of one-hundred per-cent fault to go around for all of My enemies who need to be punished.

I'm reminded of My good buddy Joe Biden, who said a while back he'd like to strangle any Republican who talked about balancing the budget.  Joe was right on, he just didn't go far enough.  We need to strangle and Republican who launches investigations into My czars and their noble work.  We need to strangle Republicans who want to try to repeal My Great Health Care Bill.  We need to strangle Republicans who have poll numbers that show they might have a chance against Me in 2012.  And we definitely need to strangle each and every member of the nefarious Tea-bagger movement.  So cut the violent rhetoric out there already!

As My good friend and mentor Bill Ayers always tells Me, I have to be able to function without regret.  Hey, Bill killed three cops and he doesn't have any regrets!  Maybe it's because he doesn't engage in the violent, crazed, right-wing agit-prop against My Greatness that is going on in the country right now.  Let's face it, if it weren't for the Tea-baggers, Sarah Palin, Rush Limbauh, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Fox News, there wouldn't be any violence in amerikkka.  Well believe you Me, when I bring a gun to the fight, punish my enemies, engage in hand-to-hand combat and strangle Republicans, I won't have any regrets at all.  So knock off all the violent rhetoric out there before somebody else gets hurt.  After all, it's not like I don't know how to use the Chicago Way.

Your Leader in the Struggle,

President for Life B. Hussein Obama


  1. Please email me about this letter at


  2. hilarious yet scarily true... good on ya mate

    cheers from a Chicago girl gone Galt living in Auckland... ;)