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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

From the desk of United States Grand Duchess of Health and Medicine Kathleen Sebelius:

Dear Komrades and assorted peasantry,

Greetings from the great capital of the nation, from whence all your health needs will now be met in an expedient and timely manner, as determined by myself and the IRS.  My crack staff of accountants on loan from Tim Geithner has determined that our current medical system is overburdened in large part due to the excessive demands placed upon the system by those of you out there with excessive girth.  In other words, you fatties go to the doctor too much!  Your cholesterol test is clogged with bacon grease, your gut hangs down to your knees and type II diabetes is the new common cold:  everybody has it.  Well, I just cannot let this go on any longer.  If we are going to get things straightened out with this health care system, you fatties are going to have to toe the line (and be able to touch your toes while you're at it)!

Having reviewed the available data, we have discovered that the average amerikkkan out there in flyover country eats enough calories every week to support a family of seventy-three in Northern Sudan.  This is clearly economic and social injustice on a genocidal scale.  It just has to stop.  Every time you insist on cleaning your plate, you need to stop and think about all those poor starving children in North Korea!  Has it ever occurred to you that if you were willing to make do with less that they would have more?

So here's what we're going to do.  From now on you will file a statement of your BMI (body mass index) with your tax return each year.  Those of you who are heads of households will be required to make sure you file a BMI statement for each and every member of your household.  These BMI screenings are mandatory, and will be conducted at the nearest approved health professional's office and will require a notarized signature.  Should you or any member of your household be found to be obese, you will be fined $1,000.00 per offender on a first offense.  Subsequent offenses will have an added $500.00 per offense.  Failure to pay this fine will be a Class C federal felony, with penalties as appropriate.

Additionally, all school children will be measured for BMI by their public schools.  From this point forward, a BMI indicating your child is obese will be considered prima facia evidence of child abuse, resulting in your child being removed from your home and placed with appropriate authorities, along with criminal prosecution and re-education for the parents.  Please be aware that any attempt to interfere with school authorities who are conducting BMI testing is a Class B federal felony, with appropriate attending penalties.

Any family units found to have a number of individuals with excessive BMI will be required to attend mandatory re-education at designated facilities in each state.  This re-education is mandatory, and failure to attend as scheduled is a Class C federal felony with attending penalties.

All amerikkkan citizens will be required to tune their televisions to channel 666 for the 6 a.m. exercise broadcast each morning and participate in the workout programs being performed.  Failure to view and participate in each morning's workout will result in a fine of $100.00 for each workout missed.  Once again, failure to comply with this fine will result in a Class D federal felony with attending penalties.

All amerikkkan citizens will be required to submit a notarized statement each month detailing their intake of vegetables, especially green leafy vegetables.  Remember, as per President Obama's latest executive order, you are required to ingest no fewer than four servings of arugula per week.  If arugula is not currently available in your area due to a shortage (of which the IRS must be properly notified) you may substitute broccoli or brussell sprouts.  Failure to comply with this directive will be a Class D federal felony, with attending penalties.

Thank you for your compliance, and remember to go green and make sure your bowel movements are on time!


United States Grand Duchess of Health and Medicine Kathleen Sebelius

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