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Monday, January 3, 2011

Jerry Brown Addresses California Budget Deficit

Dear Citizens of Kalifornia,

I regret to inform you that we are currently running a budget deficit of approximately 666 trillion dollars.  I am not quite sure how are deficit managed to balloon higher than that of the federal government, but this obviously presents us with a bit of a problem.  Quite frankly, unless we find some way to close this deficit in short order, we will face a situation where even Mexican municipal bonds will be worth more than our paper.  For those of you out there in Berkeley, this means no one will lend us money any more and we won't be able to send you your monthly checks from Sacramento.

I have looked at all the possibilities before me, and having consulted with the legislature, have decided that we will have to increase our revenues and decrease spending at the same time.  This is never pleasant, but I believe we have come up with a plan that may well save the day for our sunny state.

First of all, we can cut spending by closing down the state prisons.  Rather than incarcerate our prisoners, we will provide them with free bus tickets to New Jersey.  Any convict who accepts a free bus ride to New Jersey will be granted immediate parole upon the condition that he does not return to California.  Judging from the cast of "Jersey Shore" this should be a marked improvement for both states.  We will, however, keep all of our prison guards fully employed, as they are of course members of the public sector union and thus constitutionally protected against job loss.  Even though these guards will still be employed, we will still save massive amounts of money as we will not be required to provide food, housing, medical care, satellite television, and conjugal privileges for the inmates they were previously guarding.

Next up, I will be disbanding the California National Guard.  After all, who really needs them?  And since they are not part of a union, their positions are not protected by our state constitution.  Quite frankly, I see no need for a National Guard anyway.  I figure we'll be just fine without them.

While these steps will save us some expenses, there is still the problem of generating more revenue.  I realize that many of you feel we should tax the rich into penury to balance the budget, and allow me to be the first to say I agree wholeheartedly.  Unfortunately, most of the rich have bolted from this state and settled in Colorado, Utah and even Texas.  Obviously this creates a problem for milking this tax base as we really need to, but fortunately I have come up with a solution.

The state legislature has agreed to pass a law, which I will soon be signing, that stipulates that any individual fleeing the state of Kalifornia to avoid paying his or her fair share of taxes shall immediately be penalized 200% of his or her current net value.  This law will be made retroactive to 1996, and will be enforced with the cooperation of the United States Internal Revenue Service.  Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner has assured me that the IRS will be happy to enforce this provision on our behalf against tax fugitives now residing in other states.  In return the IRS will take a finder and collection fee of 33% of all revenue collected, but this should still provide us with a fresh new revenue stream to stem the flood of red ink in which we are currently drowning.

Once again, I look forward to many more fine suggestions like these from the economic policy department of the University of California at Berkeley.  Without your constant research and support I could never have developed this outstanding plan of action.

Looking forward to our bright future together,

Governor Jerry "Moonbeam" Brown


  1. Booger, this is too close to the truth to laugh. We vacated Kalifornia more than five years ago and wouldn't be surprised if they came after us! LOL, sorta.