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Friday, January 21, 2011

The Ten Commandments of Obamacare

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear citizens and Comrades in The Struggle,

In reviewing the opposition I have been receiving from many of the Tea-baggers and their associated movements, I have noticed that their reluctance to fully embrace My Great Agenda often stems from religious beliefs.  I suppose it should be no great shock that the bitter clingers in the hinterlands would allow their medieval superstitions to impede their faculties to the point that they are unable to recognize and receive My Divine Guidance.  As a result, I have in My Wisdom determined that the time is now come for Me to unveil the next phase of My plan.  Specifically, I will now reveal My Ten Commandments, which will supersede and replace those commandments that Moses allegedly "received from God" (as if).  Once My commandments are revealed they will be placed in every public school, courthouse, town square and public meeting place throughout the land.  Since these are nominally a "secular" set of commands (the people are not yet fully prepared for Me to reveal My Full True Nature) there should be no issue of separation of church and state in posting My commandments.  Thus, without further ado, the Ten Commandments of My Great Health Plan:

I am the President your Leader in The Struggle, who brought you out from the bondage of George Bush Jr., and am still trying to bring you out of racism.

1.  You shall have no other Leader besides Me.  I am the Chosen One, and you will acknowledge Me as such.

2.  You shall not place any "constitution" or "bible" or any other piece of paper to which you bitterly cling above Me, nor shall you make a covenant to obey written words not given by Me.  I am a jealous Leader, and if you worship some piece of paper over a hundred years old rather than do My will then I will bring My wrath down on you, your children, your grandchildren and all your friends and family, but if you follow My will and Mine alone you will know the peace only I can bring.

3.  You will not be uncivil in how you talk about Me or My followers.  If you speak about Me or those who do My will in a disrespectful or uncivil tone you will find your butt in a world of hurt from an IRS audit.

4.  Remember April 15th and mark it as a high holy day, for on this day you make your sacrifices for the greater good.

5.  Remember that I come before your parents.  Do not worry about whether you will have enough money to take care of them in their old age, that's why we have social security and medicare.  And if the time comes, I have panels to help ease them on to the next world.  Remember that your Leader comes before all others.

6.  You shall not exercise capital punishment against any felon for any crime whatsoever.  Abortion, including post-delivery abortion of fetuses that insist on breathing and crying outside the womb is not killing, because they are just blobs of cells.

7.  You can have sex with anything that moves, and most things that don't.  The more ways you choose to express yourself as an individual, the faster you will move up through the ranks in the military under My new affirmative action plan to reverse past discrimination against sodomites.

8.  When the IRS confiscates your wealth to finance My Great Agenda, you will turn over to them all your possessions.  Failure to turn over all sources of wealth in your possession and/or control shall be stealing, and will be punished by a fine of not less than $25,000.00 and imprisonment of not less than five (5) years in a federal prison.

9.  If you suspect your neighbor is a member of the Tea-bagger movement, you will report him to the authorities immediately, and bear witness against him in an appropriate court of law.  Each Tea-bagger you uncover and report will bring you a reward of $5,000.00.

10.  Everything your neighbor has he stole from someone else.  If he is white, he stole it from the blacks and Native Americans.  If he is black, he stole it from the convenience store.  If he is Native American he stole it from other Native Americans.  Nobody deserved to have anything better (or as good as) than what you have, and you must vote for Me to punish them for having stuff that you want.

These are My Commandments.  Hear them now, believe them later.

Your Leader in The Struggle,

President for Life B. Hussein Obama

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