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Monday, January 10, 2011

Sheriff Clarence Dupnik Issues Statement on "Responsible Parties" in Shooting

From the desk of Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik:

Dear Fellow Citizens and Voters,

It pains me to have to reflect on the tragic events that befell our beloved community this past Saturday.  While there will no doubt be a time to grieve the losses we have sustained as a community, this is not the time.  No, now is the time to assess blame.

We live in troubled times, with all sorts of troubled folks ambling around, spouting off all kinds of troubled stuff and nonsense that gets picked up on by even more troubled folks who then go out and do troubling things.  The kind of troubling things that troubled our entire community this past Saturday.  I myself am deeply troubled by all this troubled, rambling nonsense we hear and see all day long, every day.  It's high time someone took the trouble to do something about these troubles, and that troubled someone is me.

Now look, the first thing you have to understand is that my office has been on top of all this trouble from the get-go.  The fact of the matter is this troubled young fellow has been making trouble for about four years now, and we've got a file thicker than your momma's pancakes on him.  He made trouble when he was in high school.  He was too troubled to get into the army.  He made trouble at the local junior college until they took the trouble to kick him out.  He had been making troubling threats to the Congress lady here as far back as 2007.  In short this young fellow was nothing but trouble.

What, you might ask, did my office do about this?  We did exactly what you should always do with a troubled young troublemaker like this.  We didn't start any trouble.  If you will only take the time and trouble to cogitate on that for a few minutes, you'll see my logic was airtight.  This troubled kid was looking for trouble, so I made sure all of my deputies took special trouble not to start any trouble with him.  Did we have troubling reports of him threatening his teachers and classmates, using drugs, and even posting troubling online threats against the Congress lady?  Of course we did.  That's why we took extra trouble not to start trouble with this young fellow.  Because if we did, who knows what kind of trouble we might have accidentally stirred up?

But then along comes this Rush Limbaugh fellow, stirring up all kinds of trouble with the troublesome nonsense he turns out on that trouble making radio show of his.  After all, where do you think a troubled young man like this gets these kind of troubling ideas?  Don't give me all that hogwash about drugs, schizophrenia, reading the communist manifesto and mein kampf, or attending public schools.  None of that stuff ever stirred up this kind of trouble, no matter how troubled the kid might be.  No, only the dark prince of evil talk radio, the trouble making Rush Limbaugh, could bring this kind of trouble down on our heads.

Now I will admit, we have not yet found definitive proof that this young man actually listened to Rush Limbaugh, but I tell you that is even more troubling.  After all, if Rush Limbaugh could cause this kind of troubling behavior in some poor troubled youth who never even listened to his radio program, what kind of trouble do you think he is stirring up in the troubled masses of mind numbed robots who listen to his show?  Big trouble, that's what kind!

So once again, rest assured that no fault lies with my office in this shooting.  We took into account the troubling propensity for violence in this troubled youth and avoided starting any trouble with him.  As a result, we can safely surmise that only the dark prince of trouble makers, Rush Limbaugh, could have been responsible for this shooting.  We'll just have to see if our local prosecutor can trouble himself into finding some way to file the indictment against Limbaugh and get him off the air once and for all.  I know it sound extremes, but troubled times call for troubling actions.


Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik

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