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Monday, January 10, 2011

Eric Holder Addresses Legal Issues of Arizona Shooting

From the desk of Attorney General Eric Holder:

Dear President Obama,

First, allow me to say once again how honored I am to serve You, our Exalted Leader, and to be available at Your beck and call to provide advice for Your Glorious Project.  As per Your request, I have reviewed all applicable Federal statutes and case law, and have prepared a legal statement an plan of action following the deplorable attack by the Tea-Bagger operative in Arizona.  I believe it is important that we institute this plan of action as quickly as possible, to ensure that we do not let a good crisis go to waste.  It is especially important that this plan be enacted before the general public has time to "cool off", so to speak, and assess the situation.  An approach such as Your brilliant stimulus strategy, with a bill being passed and signed immediately, is our best bet for total success in this endeavor.

As we look at the Constitutional issues involved, I believe our first area of "correction" should be the first amendment.  Far too much has been made in this country's history of the so-called "right" of the "people" to criticize their leaders.  I believe we should consider this a "collective" right rather than an "individual" right.  Thus, various organizations, upon receiving official state licensing, may be allowed to criticize political leaders.  Examples would be The New York Times, Washington Post, MSNBC and CNN.  Obviously Fox News and talk radio would be excluded from such licensing, as they have not displayed sufficient restraint in their rhetoric directed against Your Great Plan, and thus have not earned their right to a license.

Quite frankly, I think we can establish a "two-tier" approach to first amendment rights.  Nude dancing, pornography, Nazi marches in jewish neighborhoods and public sodomy would all continue to receive "tier one" protection, so that they would be absolutely protected by the courts.  On the other hand, more questionable and offensive activities such as criticism of Yourself, attendance of conservative christian churches, and participation in unauthorized political movements such as the Tea-baggers would be tier-two level rights, requiring an appropriate license which could be dispensed, or not, at the discretion of the chair of the FCC. 

I believe the time is now ripe to make the general population see that the first amendment, as currently construed, is just too broad.  Once the people are convinced that they can have safety and security only if they surrender this false "right" it will be child's play to get Congress to pass legislation restricting these rights.  I am also confident that our current Supreme Court can provide us with a 5-4 split decision in Your favor on this matter.

Next up is the second amendment, that perpetual fetish of the radical fascists on the right.  If ever there was a time to strike back at the notion that individual citizens should be able to keep and bear firearms, now is that time.  Once again, we must not let a good crisis go to waste.  Since the Supreme Court has recently issues two treacherous rulings against You in this matter, we will have to seek an actual repeal.  I do believe this is possible, however, and moreover that now is the time to make it happen.  Even if Congress refuses to go along with a repeal at first, just think of the great campaign fodder it will provide for You in 2012!  You will be able to paint the republicans as the gun-toting, killing-machine fascists they truly are.

Think also of the possibilities:  With the first amendment curtailed to where it should be, and the second amendment eliminated altogether, there will be no meaningful opposition left to Your Great Plan for this country.  The NRA will no longer be able to fund our opposition, and that demon Limbaugh will be off the air once and for all.  So let's not let this opportunity go to waste, we must act now!

Your most humble and loyal servant,

united states attorney general Eric Holder

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