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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Nancy Pelosi Explains Why Obama is a Moderate

From the desk of the Once and Future Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi:

To:  President for Life B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Comrade and Leader in The Struggle,

Let me first tell you that although our party suffered grievous losses in the previous election, it was not your fault.  In point of fact the losses we suffered were not the fault of anyone on our team.  These losses can, I believe, be directly attributed to the wiles of Sarah Palin and her willing accomplices on talk radio and faux news.  After having seen the insanity of the assassin in Arizona, I believe we may safely conclude that he was driven to his madness by exposure to Palin and the Tea-Bagger party's rhetoric.  Likewise, I believe we can safely assume that the amerikkkan people as a whole were driven to madness by this same rhetoric, which explains our defeat.  There was nothing wrong with You, or any other part of our party, the problem is with the amerikkkan people themselves and the madness they have been infected with.

That being the case, I am from San Francisco, and have often been told by my friends and family that I have a VERY keen understanding of insanity.  Thus, it behooves me to offer You a bit of advise, if I may be so bold.  The amerikkkan people elected You because they admired Your moderation, especially after eight years of the war-mongering cowboy who preceded You.  Perhaps You should take this opportunity to remind them of Your moderation.  I believe that if You communicate Your moderation to the amerikkkan people they will quickly return to the fold of Yourself, their One True Leader.  Here are a few ideas I have put together:

1.  You understand that debt is a problem.  How do you solve a problem?  Not by running away, but by meeting it head on.  If debt is scary people, then they must learn to face their fears!  How can they face their fears?  By incurring even more debt!  You are delivering the amerikkkan people from their fear of debt.  Just remember to tell them that the only thing they have to fear is fear itself.  Then they will realize that You are truly moderate in Your spending, and the debt you incur is for their own good in helping them to overcome their fear of debt!  It's foolproof!

2.  You have never shot anyone.  Only crazy right-wingers shoot people!  Remind the people over and over again that You are the Man of Peace.  Once they realize that violence is a product of the reactionary right-wing fascists who call themselves "conservatives" the people will remember their true love for You, their Benign Leader.

3.  You have never had an abortion.  While You are "personally opposed" to abortions performed in the 14th month, You understand that womyn have a constitutional right to choose.  As a result You will not bind Your morals on anyone else, which would of course be above Your pay grade.  After all, You don't want to impose Your morals on womyn's bodies, which is the reason You are the true moderate.  Once the people understand this they will reject the anti-abortion fascists immediately.

4.  You want what's best for everyone's health, even if You have to make them do what's right.  Universal Health Care, Your Great Blessing to amerikkka, can succeed only if the people give up smoking, drinking, red meat, fried food, trans fats, salt, corn syrup, processed sugar, and are force to exercise two hours a day.  Yes, You will have to use thousands of new IRS agents to enforce these rules, but just tell the people how much more svelte and sexy they will be!  Once they understand You are forcing them to do this for their own good they will love You all the more!

Well, these are just a few humble suggestions I have for Your Greatness.  Please excuse me for any unintended annoyance I may have caused you.


Once and Future Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi

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