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Sunday, November 7, 2010

President Obama Discusses Communication

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Citizens,

It has come to My attention that you did not vote in your own best interests in the elections held throughout this country last Tuesday.  While My loyal servants Pelosi and Reid were successful in retaining their seats, many of My loyal acolytes at lower levels were robbed of their seats when the Republicans apparently managed to deceive enough of you to ensure a temporary victory for themselves.  I must admit that I am terribly disappointed in your conduct in this matter, but perhaps I can use this as a teachable moment for you.  Pay close attention, as I am going to use My great communication skills to clear this matter up before you embarrass yourselves again in the future. 

First of all, you cannot begin to improve your lot in life until you learn proper communication skills.  You have regressed considerably in this past election.  Quite frankly, what we have here is a failure to communicate.  I suppose some of you who adhere to the Tea-bagger movement actually desire to see the failure of My Great New Society for the Elimination of Poverty, Racism, Islamophobia, Homophobia and Obesity.  Well, there is little I can say to convince a bunch of beer-bellied rednecks to change their ways.  There may, however, be help for the rest of you. 

The main communication skill which you need to improve is your ability to listen.  Apparently you, the american people, have difficulty in listening to what I, your Great Leader, have to say.  If you were truly listening, you would understand that I have given you your one true chance at redemption from the sin of your founding fathers.  It is I, and only I, who give you the opportunity to renounce the bigoted, racist, fundamentalist, ignorant, superstitious trash that Jefferson, Madison, Washington, etc. foisted off on this ignorant nation.  I believe this is called "interference" by those of us who are enlightened enough to have taken a university course in communication theory.  You let the petty, misguided notions of these "founding fathers" interfere with my explanation of the necessity for greater deficit spending to spur the economy, centralized control of health care for the greater good, and the need to reject the bigoted "judeo-christian" belief system that has infested this country.  Quite frankly, you must learn to put this interference aside and learn to listen.  It is clear that it is you, the great unwashed who are not listening, who are causing this communication problem. 

Not only do you not listen to me, you insist on listening to those whom you should ignore.  You tune in to the ridiculous, racist rants of Limbaugh, Beck, Hannity, O'Reilly and their assorted ilk, and actually take that garbage seriously.  You are like spoiled little children who eat nothing but happy meals stuffed with red meat and french fries, and then cannot understand why you are so fat, bloated and unattractive.  Well, I am here to be arugula for your ears.  Get off of that red meat you see on Fox News, and tune in to the vegetables, nuts and fruits of MSNBC and CNN.  That will do a lot right there to fix your communication problem. 

It is also clear to Me that some of you simply lack the intelligence to be able to accept the superior wisdom of My grand design for your lives.  While I continuously assure you that I have the greatest concern for the welfare of you, the little people, you still seem to distrust My motives and actions.  The only way for you to solve your communication problem in this matter is to get out of denial.  That's right, you are in denial.  You deny My superior intellect, wisdom and compassion.  If you will simply learn to recognize My superior mind and morals for what they are and submit to Me, things will go much easier for you.  Quite frankly I grow weary of having to constantly remind you of how superior I am to you little people.  I suppose I could have Biden come out and explain it to you for awhile, but once he gets started even I can't shut him up. 

So what can you do to fix your communication problem?  Quite simply, shut up and do what you're told.  Recognize your betters, and act accordingly.  Remember, my followers are from the Federal Government and they are here to help.  Accept this, believe this, obey this.  This is the key to your becoming effective communicators.  The sooner you get on board with this, the smoother things will go. 

Just as a side note, I have decided I will err on the side of caution and take some small responsibility for our communication problems.  In order to rectify them, I have fired My old teleprompter and retained the services of a new model.  The new model is manufactured in China, and I have been assured it is the most up-to-date model available, far superior to my old one.  The Chinese manufacturer has assured Me that it has a built in system for handling those of you who fail to take My advice on honing your communication skills; and that this system has been tested extensively and successfully on the Falun Gong.  I look forward to seeing many of you at My next speaking engagement.


President for Life B. Hussein Obama

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