Mitt Romney 2012

From the desk of Mitt Romney:

My Fellow Republicans,

At this time I wish to solicit your vote to be nominated as the G.O.P. Presidential candidate of 2012. There are many great reasons to vote for me, and I would like to list them here:

1) Health Care. It's a big issue, all right. It's the reason we hold the House of Representatives now, and picked up a few seats in the Senate. Well, I know more about government takeovers of health care than anybody else in the whole Republican party. I was for it before I was against it (learned how to do that in MA politics) and now I'm for it AND against it, a truly original position! I'm a veritable kama sutra of positions on health care, so you're sure to like on of them!

2) Social issues. Pro-life or pro-choice? Me too! Personally against gay marriage but willing to put it into practice anyway? Me too! Member of a conservative religion but love liberal government social policies? Me too! And let's face it, nobody wears a suit and tie to church better than I do. I'm a veritable Charlie Crist of positions on social issues. Just let me know which one you like.

3) We don't need the NRA vote or the right-to-life vote or the citizens opposed to Obamacare vote, or the traditional marriage vote to win anyway. We need the more enlightened vote of the Northeastern Moderate Republican if we're going to win this race, and I've got that vote wrapped up!

4) I guarantee I can carry Utah for the Republican party this time!

5) I may get a bigger minority of the vote in Massachusetts than the Republican normally does!

6) I have the best hair in the race, even better than Palin!

7) If you don't vote for me it's because you're an anti-Mormon bigot!

8) I'm not just Obama-lite, I'm Obama white!

9) I'm not a RINO, I just play one on TV!

I look forward to serving as your nominee in 2012, and have already secured a promise from Charlie Crist to serve as my running mate, which should give our ticket that much loved "regional balance". Michael Steele says we're a perfect couple and a sure thing. Look forward to getting your checks in the mail!

Your 2012 Republican Nominee,

Mitt Romney