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Saturday, November 6, 2010

Keith Olbermann's Job Application

From the desk of Keith Olbermann:

To: Rupert Murdoch

Re:  Employment Wanted

Dear Mr. Murdoch,

As I am sure you are aware, I was fired by the back-stabbing weasels at MSNBC the other day.  Phil Griffin, who is the worst person in the world and a secret tea-bagger, has denied me my first amendment rights to support the candidate of my choice.  After being betrayed in this manner, I recalled your recent hiring of the racist Uncle Tom Juan Williams after his being fired by NPR.  NPR was, quite frankly, justified in firing Juan since he made his Islamophobia known in his on-air comments, not for anything he did in his undoubtedly execrable private life.  Since you have provided that pathetic bigot, who is the worst person in the world, with a sizable contract, I believe it stands to reason that you should offer an even bigger contract to me, as I have never been disciplined for any on-air comments; rather I was fired for supporting the non-bigot, non-homophobe, non-racist, non-misogynist candidates in various races, which is my perfect Constitutional right.

Mr. Murdoch, you claim to be fair and balanced.  Well, here's your chance to prove it.  You give airtime and perfectly good money to that racist, bigoted, puppy-beating maniac Bill O'Reilly, who is without a doubt the worst person in the world.  You give a perfectly good time slot to that nut job alcoholic Glen Beck, who's a freaking Mormon for crying out loud.  You know he's probably got twenty-six wives, right?  Besides that he's the worst person in the world.  And then that ignoramus Hannity takes up airtime in prime time.  I mean seriously?  He's a freaking ex-construction worker, not an ivy-league trained broadcaster like me.  He probably beats his wife and kids and has four or five girlfriends on the side, besides which he's a well known racist, homophobic, islamophobic, misogynist, tea-bagging freak who is the absolute worst person in the world.  And you put him in prime time!

Listen, Rupert, if you're going to claim to be fair and balanced then you HAVE to give me a contract.  Look at this lineup of KKK nut jobs and Uncle Toms you have right now.  Where's the balance?  Who do you have right now who will call those tea-bagging traitors who oppose our Great President out for the racists they really are?  Who do you have who will call Rush Limbaugh, that fat, drug-addicted, racist, woman-hating, America-hating douchebag out for what he really is, the worst person in the world?  Who do you have there with the guts to punch that frigid stick-figure Ann Coulter right in her filthy mouth if she shows up at the studio?  Who do you have who's willing to throw a vial of acid right in Greg Guttman's filthy, fat face so he can figure out what red eyes are really all about?  Nobody, that's who, so how can you call yourself fair and balanced?

Let's face it, if you don't hire me then you can't call yourself fair and balanced anymore.  All you can call yourself is a racist, homophobe, Islamophobe, baby-eating freak.  I'll sue you if you don't hire me and keep saying you're fair and balanced.  I'll tell everyone that you're the worst person in the world, and they'll listen to me.  They'll always listen to me.  Everyone always listens to me.  I'll MAKE them listen to me.  I'll MAKE you listen to me you sexist, imperialist, war-monger dog.  HIRE ME NOW OR ELSE!!!!!!!!

I look forward to meeting with you soon to discuss terms of my contract and taking over Hannity's time slot.


Keith Olbermann, the Best Person in the World

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