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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Advice to Obama from The Greatest Ex-President

From the desk of Greatest Ex-President Ever Jimmy Carter:

Dear President Obama,

Well, this is a fine mess those Republicans cooked up for you the other night, now isn't it?  Look, don't worry.  You can beat this thing.  You just have to know what to do and how to do it.  You need advice from somebody who's been there.  You need the Greatest Ex-President on your team, and I'm here to help.

You know what the problem with this country really is?  I'll give you a hint:  It's not you.  You have done all the right things.  I know you know it in your heart.  This recession is Bush's fault.  Make sure you don't forget it, and make sure nobody else forgets it.  They'll want to hang it around your neck.  Well don't let 'em do it.  You've done more than anyone could ask or expect.  So what if inflation starts to get a little high?  Believe me, I know all about high inflation rates.  It's not that big of a deal.  People learn to adjust. 

This whole thing about unemployment?  Hey, no big deal.  It'll come around sooner or later.  Just keep pumping the money into the federal spending programs, and sooner or later the jobs are bound to come down the pike.  Look, I've been there, I know what I'm talking about.  If you let the Republicans get all over you about spending you'll never get anything done.  Just ignore them and do what needs to be done to save the country. 

Look, I know all about problems in the Middle East too.  Problems with Iran?  No big deal.  If worse comes to worse you can send a couple of commando squads in to sort things out.  Those guys are so good you don't even have to worry about having back up for them or an exit strategy.  Just send 'em in and watch the fireworks.  Israel?  Look, everybody is sick of them, not just you.  Freeze 'em out.  It's not like they've got anybody else to go to anyway.  Look, I've been here, I've seen this.  Take it from me, Iran is no big deal.  Don't worry about it. 

The Russians are headed back to Afghanistan?  No kidding?  Hey, guess what, I've handled that too!  Just shut off any wheat sales to them and skip the Olympics.  Believe me, it'll be problem solved in no time.  There is no need to stress about any of this, you have it totally under control. 

Seriously, inflation, unemployment, budget deficits, Iran, Russia, Afghanistan, none of these are a real problem.  I've handled all of these just fine in the past.  Basically you can ignore them and they'll take care of themselves.  Just whatever you do, don't let the Republican try to make you responsible for any of it.  That's all they ever want to do, make some Democratic President they don't like responsible for other people's problems.  My advice?  Just ignore them and they'll go away.  Believe me, I know what I'm talking about here. 

Really, there are only two problems you need to worry about.  The first one is malaise.  This country is suffering from a terrible case of malaise right now.  What can you do about it?  Make the people see that their pain is their own fault.  Make them understand that their malaise comes from having too high of expectations for what their lives ought to be.  Make them realize that if they can just learn to lower their expectations for themselves, their children, their grand-children and their nation then with acceptance comes peace.  Make them accept lowered expectations for themselves and this country and the malaise will vanish in no time.  Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. 

The second problem?  Killer rabbits.  They're out there.  Lurking.  Waiting.  Nobody can stop 'em.  Not the Secret Service, FBI, CIA, NSA or any of 'em.  They just don't understand.  They don't even really seem to believe.  Killer rabbits are out there, and they're looking for fine Democratic Presidents like you and me.  Watch out for 'em.  Big, vicious, swamp-rabbits with beady red eyes and giant, gnashing teeth.  I keep seeing 'em coming for me.  Sometimes the pills help me make it through the night.  Sometimes they don't. 

At any rate, look on the bright side.  At least you don't have a freak of a brother running around embarrassing you with his very own brand of "Buddy Beer".  Nothing like a freak brother to really give you ulcers.  Although didn't I hear something about some guy in Kenya marrying a teenage girl?  Oh well, can't win 'em all.  Just do your best, accept fate and watch out for malaise and killer rabbits.  The rest will take care of itself.

Your Friend and Supporter,

Greatest Ex-President Ever Jimmy Carter

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