Michelle Obama on Health and Fitness

From the desk of First Lady Michelle Obama:

Dear Fatties,

I have tried, really and genuinely, to be proud of this pathetic country. For one brief moment, when you finally woke up from you sugar induced coma long enough to do something smart for once you elected Barry. But ever since then you've been right back to your old ways. I can't stand it I tell you, I just can't stand it.

Do you have any idea what it's like having to explain to my friends in Paris that yes, I really am from America, that place with all the fat red-neck slobs? Do you have any idea how it makes me feel to have to admit that I actually live around you people? How is that fair to me?

Look, I work out, I dress great, and I look GOOD! Why can't the rest of you be more like me? Even my own kids are selling me out. The two little fatties are all the time stuffing their faces, and both complain about their daily Pilates. I tell you being a parent in this culture of obesity is a nightmare! So wake up America, and put down the Twinkies! Do you all want to look like a bunch of bloated Rush Limbaugh clones? You're fat, you're ugly and you're stupid, and until you're willing to admit it there's no way I can help you make the changes you need. I tell you it's enough to make me forget that I was ever proud of this place at all.

Honestly, this whole thing has left me so depressed that I'm just going to have to get out of town for a while to clear my head. I hear the Riviera is nice this time of year. I'll just have to have the Secret Service make sure there aren't any fatties uglying up the beach before I get there. In the meantime, I suggest you all ditch the red meat, stock up on arugula, and hit the stair climbers. Elsewise I am never going to be able to put up with the sight of you again.

Looking out for your best interests,

First Lady Michelle Obama