From: United States Attorney General Eric Holder
To: California Governor Jerry Brown
Dear Governor Brown,
It has come to the attention of this administration that your state is currently somewhat fiscally distressed, and as a result is requesting some assistance from the Federal Government. At the request of President Obama, I have put together some directives that you will need to meet in order to qualify for Federal funding of your law enforcement functions.
1)You will need to demonstrate a more aggressive affirmative action outreach in the hiring of police officers. Specifically, upon review of the current composition of your police forces, we note a shortage of gay and/or transvestite Muslims. We must insist that you immediately step up your recruitment of gay and/or transvestite Muslim police officers to represent this traditionally oppressed minority.
2) You will need to suppress all racial profiling. In order to comply with this, we will need forms 1020b, 1045c, 1067a, 1077j, 1081m, 1092q, 1100z and 1122w filled out in triplicate ON THE SPOT any time an African-american, Hispanic or Muslim is arrested, ticketed, cited or in any other way interacts with any member of any law enforcement agency. Failure to comply will result in a loss of ALL Federal funds as well as a Federal lawsuit for discrimination through profiling.
3) All police uniforms will need to be changed. There will be no more wearing of the color blue, as this is associated with the fascist police policies of prior year. Instead, police officers may choose from:
a) Pink uniforms
b) Burkhas with badges
c) Fashionable dresses (for men only)
d) Traditional Muslim garb for men
It is our determination that wearing these uniforms will enhance officers' commitment to diversity.
4)Any undocumented alien stopped by the police for any reason will IMMEDIATELY receive a written apology for police harassment and profiling, as well as a check for $10,000.00 and instructions on registering to vote at the nearest motor voter station. Additionally, the officer having stopped the undocumented alien will be suspended for two weeks without pay on the first offense, any subsequent offense will result in the immediate termination of employment. Normal union rules for officer discipline will be suspended in these cases.
I hope these directives are clear. I look forward to assisting you further in policing your great state in the coming years. After all, you're bankrupt, and someone has to bail you out. Well, I'm from the Federal Government, and I'm here to help.
Sincerely,
United States Attorney General Eric Holder
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